'Madonna'

By Jeffrey Hart | Wednesday, May 1, 1996

Well, poor Dan Quayle rises from the Popcult dead like Marley's ghost in the Christmas Carol.

In 1992 Quayle made a tactically unfortunate speech attacking the 'Murphy Brown' TV junk comedy for glorifying illegitimacy. Quayle had a point but the trendies had a good laugh at his expense.

So now there greets me over morning coffee the newspaper headline: 'SHE'LL MAKE A FINE MOMMA.'

That's about Masscult superstar 'Madonna.'

She has now proclaimed that she is pregnant. She is not married to the 'father,' with whom she fell in love when she spotted him riding a bike in New York's Central Park.

Real Romeo and Juliet stuff.

Neither of these characters is contemplating marriage.

I have little interest in her private life. It is true that despite the stage name 'Madonna' she has made it perfectly clear that she is no virgin.

Rather, she has been 'Material Girl.'

Her public identity has been Super Slut. That's part of the joke about her name 'Madonna.' Now 'Madonna,' which means 'my lady,' is to give birth.

I note in passing that there seems to be a rock singer named 'Sebastian Bach.' It happens that the real Johann Sebastian Bach was probably the greatest composer who ever lived, a glory of civilization.

The Super Slut 'Madonna' stands in exactly the relation to the 'My Lady' of chivalric poetry as 'Sebastian Bach' stands in relation to the great composer.

What to do?

Probably nothing, except utter contempt and disdain.

Social Science has been handing us statistics about the effects of illegitimacy. It correlates dramatically with criminal behavior, educational futility, and, often, male feelings of pointlessness and even nihilism.

But, as the joke goes, these days a Hollywood actress has to have a couple of ilegitimate children before people think she's even going steady.

Traditional culture used to stigmatize such behavior with the now seldom heard term 'bastard.'

Public personas like 'Madonna' and 'Sebastian Bach' today are super stars for the teenage universe, maybe even life-style (what a word) models. Such teenagers, along with the rest of us, will pay a price.

There is little chance that a teenager hanging around a shopping mall will give much thought to the real Bach or to My Lady of the old poetry.

But here and there a teenager who is attracted to intellectual and spiritual possibility will do so. He or she might well reflect, 'That chord in Bach made me think,' or even, 'Wonder what those old poets had in mind when they address 'My Lady.''

Such rare teenagers will one day be intellectual powers in the land.

Meanwhile, I here apply for the job of 'Madonna's' PR guy.

This baby thing is going to socko. MAJOR.

Let's play it in the Los Angeles Colliseum. I'd better check the football schedule.
Before she pops the kid, we have to get her, 'highly pregnant,' on the cover of the new New Yorker.

I can't figure out how we can get the Pope into this. Maybe we will have to settle for an Anglican Bishop. I know an out-of-work Bishop in Liverpool.

MGM can come up with one of those Bishops' Crook things that Bishops used to carry. I spotted one once in an old Sam Goldwyn movie about the Bible.

We can get some real sheep and oxen in the Colliseum. But we need some Wise Men. How about Johnnie Cochran and Robert Shapiro?

But we've got to come up with a name for the Bast... Oops, I mean kid.

I've got it. We'll call him Jesus. Right. Jesus Christ Superstar. That will be HUGE.

But suppose the damned brat is a girl.

Big trouble.

Pour me another Bloody Mary. Get me Nathaniel West on the cellular. It's an 800
call. Nat died in 1940.

No, no, Nat. Not 'Miss Lonlihearts.' I'll read that novel someday, but the name doesn't sing. There's no SALUTE. Thanks, Nat.

I've got it!

If the brat is female we'll call it 'Virgin Mary.' I can see that in lights.

But what the hell does that make the 'father.'

I don't even want to think about that.

The guy looks like a bum anyway.

I've got it!

We've got 'Madonna' and either 'Jesus' or 'Virgin Mary.' So this bum can be
'THE FATHER.'

IN LIGHTS!

'Madonna'

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