Original Article: http://dartreview.com/archives/1997/10/22/the_webster_avenue_riots_a_satire.php
Wednesday, October 22, 1997
11:38PM (Hanover,NH): Chi Gamma Epsilon Fraternity
An electrical socket overloaded with strobe lights causes a power outage during George Michaels' rendition of 'Freedom.' A riot ensues on the dance floor and spills onto Webster Ave.
11:42 PM
The power outage spreads, disabling the Kegerators and Sega at Phi Delt, the Stairmaster at KDE, and a game of Magic: the GatheringÙ at Phi Tau.
11:45 PM
An angry mob assembles and makes its way down Webster Ave.
11:47 PM (Hanover,NH):Kiewit Computation Center
The power surge disables Kiewit's top-secret government systems. Nuclear generators 500 feet beneath the structure are summarily activated.
11:48 PM (Colorado Springs,co): NORAD headquarters
National Security status upgraded to DEFCON 2.
11:53 PM (Hanover,NH):
5 rope ferry road
Dartmouth Safety and Security is alerted to the situation and dispatches Officer Lancaster to the scene. He departs in a green Chrysler minivan.
11:56 PM (HANOVER, NH): WEBSTER AVENUE
Angry students swarm around the van, topple it, and set it ablaze. Officer Lancaster locks the doors, rolls up his windows and calls for backup. Body Count-1
11:57 PM (HANOVER, NH): Choate Road
Dean Lee Pelton awakes to the disturbance. He rushes outside brandishing his sawed-off 12 gauge shotgun and is heard to exclaim, 'OK frat boys, here I come. It's judgement night, you elitist pricks!' He fires repeatedly into the crowd, killing two Tri-Kaps, a Sig Ep, and a KDE. Body count-5
12:01 AM (Norwich,VT)
President James Freedman enjoys a late night vodka martini and a rare-edition print of Maya Angelou's I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.
12:16 AM (Hanover,NH)
Formerly underground Beta brothers resurface and in secret pact set fire to their old fraternity house.
12:19 AM (Hanover,NH): Dartmouth College Green
The Women's Studies Center holds an emergency 'Take Back the Night' vigil on the Green.
12:22 AM (Hanover,NH)
Dartmouth College vicinity
The Nashua, NH and Rutland, VT Air Reserve Units carry out a preemptive airstrike against the riot. The bombing misses the Webster Ave. target coordinates and drops 100 tons of napalm on the Green, quickly ending the peaceful vigil. Body Count-35
12:22 AM (Hanover,NH): the roof of NORTH HALL
Dean Pelton is heard to scream, 'I love the smell of napalm in the morning! It smells... like victory!'
12:26 AM (Hanover,NH): Webster avenue
As a mushroom cloud rises above the Green rioters entrench their position. Barricades of keg shells, pong tables, and old motorcycles are set ablaze on the west and east ends of Webster Ave. Officer Lancaster's van creates a southern front between Zete and the smoking remains of Beta.
2:01 AM (NORWICH,VT): OLD Ledyard Bridge
The first wave of National Guard tanks and troop transports arrive at the Connecticut River. Only sniper team Echo Zulu Foxtrot crosses safely before the bridge gives way. Five tanks, two transport buses, and three Appalachian Trail through-hikers plunge to the icy waters. Body Count-104
2:27 AM (Hanover,NH): Dartmouth College
Word of the riot spreads and Webster Ave. becomes a tent city. Protest leaders hammer out their demands over a large game of social pong.
3:00 AM (Hanover,NH): Kiewit Computation Center
Blitzmail powers down for its daily file maintenance.
3:15 AM (Hanover,NH)
Former Provost Jim Wright is informed of the situation and orders a meeting of the entire faculty. Only nutty Professor Lynda Boose heeds his call. The two converge at the student perimeter.
3:17 AM (Hanover,NH): East end of Webster Ave.
Brenda of the Stinson's Village Store, fearing for her livelihood, drives up in 'KEG 1' and beans Wright in the head with a keg shell. Body Count-105
4:20 AM (Hanover,NH):
Webster Ave.
Upon arriving on the porch for their morning ritual, Bones Gate brothers are overheard mumbling: 'Whoa, man.'
5:01 AM
At dawn tanks from North Haverill, NH National Guard roll onto the campus, break through the barricades, and crush the charred wreckage of Officer Lancaster's vehicle.
5:02 AM
Lou Gerolemou '98 stands alone against the line of oncoming tanks. The footage is captured by the numerous news helicopters hovering above. This image leads all three national newscasts the following evening.
6:00 AM (New York,NY): a smoke filled room, top floor, the Frick
The Dartmouth Board of Trustees hold an emergency meeting, abolishing the Dartmouth Greek system and proclaiming Dartmouth a dry campus. Marysa Navarro is named 'Il Duce' and Dictator-for-Life.
6:25 AM (Norwich,VT)
President Freedman awakes, sips his mimosa, and upon learning of the incident on NPR is heard to remark, 'Let the next guy deal with it. I'm outta here.'
7:10 AM (Hanover,NH): Hopkins Center for the Performing Arts
The Daily Dartmouth hits the Hinman boxes. The lead story is titled 'Friends vs. Seinfeld — a Study Break Dilemma.'