Week in Review

Wednesday, February 11, 1998

Rough Times in Cambridge

In response to complaints by students, Harvard University announced recently that all toilet paper at the school will be 'two-ply,' not the cheaper 'single-ply' design that has previously graced the water closets of the academic elite.

Students began to protest the policy following a piece in the Harvard Crimson by columnist Geoffrey Upton who asked, 'You don't think Dean of the College Harry R. Lewis goes home to one-ply every night, do you?'

The policy would 'improve the quality of bathroom life and the next thing you
know, students' outlook on the whole Harvard experience softens up,' Upton wrote in his column.

In related news, Columbia students have now occupied four administrative buildings and Loeb Library over toilet-paper related issues.

Unfortunately the factions have not been able to hammer out a clear agenda because of a fundamental 'over vs. under' disagreement.

Truth or Fiction

In the recently released movie, Wag the Dog, a fictional presidential administration is caught amidst a sex scandal with a 14-year-old girl and draws on the skills of Robert DeNiro and Dustin Hoffman to create a fictional war to distract the media from the scandal.

There have been recent allegations that Bill Clinton might be using the Iraqi foreign policy issue as a means to divert attention from his ongoing sex scandal involving former White House intern Monica Lewinsky. It appears, however, that the Lewinsky affair may have already damaged his ability to pursue an effective foreign policy with other countries.

The February 9 issue of U.S. News & World Report quoted Iran News, a Tehran newspaper, as writing that better bilateral ties are possible only 'after the presentation of a tight iron [chastity] belt to the U.S. president, with a lock and key for Hillary.'

Witches' Brew

On Sunday February 10th, three freshmen were confronted by Officer Wilds of Safety and Security in the Russell Sage-Butterfield kitchen, while homebrewing a tasty Irish Stout that, in its nascent state, was still non-alcoholic.

Unfortunately, the residents of Butterfield Hall, the College designated 'substance-free' dorm, also share a kitchen with Russell Sage Hall.

Quite offended by the waftings of the boiling malted hops in the wort, one student asked, 'I could smell that stuff outside, what is it?' Apparently, there were no complaints until Butterfield students were informed that that rich odor diffusing through the air originated from the process of creating a hedonistic ambrosia.

Apprehended by Dartmouth Safety and Security, the fate of the pilsner-pushing miscreants remains uncertain at this time.

Airfare Not Included

The Dartmouth Programming Board has come up with a particularly novel idea to promote the Swing Ball, the culminating event of this year's Winter Carnival. The winner of a raffle, to be announced at the ball, will be awarded a night at the Hanover Inn, which is co-sponsoring the event.

Second prize is reportedly an all-expenses paid trip to Stinson's. Rumors of a grand-prize trip to scenic White River Junction were quickly put to rest because of the exorbitant travel fees involved.

The Religious Route

USA Today recently quoted President Clinton telling an Arkansas State Trooper that he did not think oral sex constituted adultery. Prosecutors and other critics of Clinton have recently suspected that Clinton might try to evade adultery allegations with a religious argument.

These critics believe Clinton may claim a literal interpretation of moral doctrine — namely that neither his Baptist church nor his wife's Methodist church explicitly include oral sex in their codes.

No word on what Al Gore's Buddhists have to say on the question.

Unthreaded

Uncommon Threads, a College-funded student 'collective' that 'resists rascism, homophobia, sexism, and classism and focuses on women and gender' was recently denied funding for the upcoming, Spring term by the student-run Committee on Student Organizations (COSO). COSO is the organization charged with funding student groups.

The COSO rejection came two weeks after Uncommon Threads ran a controversial piece by Uju Anya '98. The piece, merely entitled Awakening, gave a graphic account of a young woman's first lesbian encounter.

COSO has, however, claimed throughout the process that Uncommon Threads was not defunded because of content or matters editorial, but instead because they did not get their application in by the deadline. An inside source tells The Dartmouth Review that the collective Threads did not start filling out the document, several pages long, until three minutes before it was due.

For the Loyal Ones Who Love Her

Former Dartmouth Alumni Magazine Editor Jay Heinrichs is back at work, this time as the Editor-In-Chief of US Air's flight magazine, Attaché.

A recent issue found him back in familiar territory — in an extended spread, there was an in-depth story on the life of Theodore Geisel '25, better known to many as Dr. Seuss. However, though the article mentioned that, while in college, Geisel had been officially booted off of the campus humor publication, it never specified what college. Indeed, the author (or editor) apparently went to great lengths to ensure nary a mention of Dartmouth College.

Outgoing President James O. Freedman has reportedly been employing a similar technique. When asked about his current plans for the College he replied, 'Dartmouth? Yeah, I think I've heard of it. Hell, it's not like I live in New Hampshire or anything. I went to Harvard, you know...'.

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