Week in ReviewDropping Like Flies Lyn Hutton, the College's Vice-President and Treasurer, and Mary Turco, Dean of the Office of Residential Life, resigned this past week. President James Freedman, Dean of the College Lee Pelton, Provost James Wright, Andrew Wallace, Dean of the Medical School and Elsa Garmire, Dean of the Thayer Engineering School have all announced their resignations or retirements during the last twelve months. Edward Berger, Dean of the Faculty, and Paul Danos, Dean of the Tuck Business School, are the only senior administrators remaining. No permanent replacements havebeen found for any of the six departing administrators. Dean Turco's resignation statement cited her frustration with theCollege's unwillingness to allow administrators to teach. Ms. Hutton is leaving to pursue her true love, pure portfolio management. Search committees have been convened to find a new President and Dean. The subordinate administrators will likely not be chosen until the new Dean and President have taken office.
The two teenagers responsible for defaming two statues of communist leaders with juvenile graffiti in Belarus last August, were recently sentenced to 18 months in a hard labor camp. These two enterprising youths spent six months before their trial doing hard labor. Throughout the trial, they were locked in a cage in the courtroom guarded by a 'vicious attack dog.' A closer look revealed that the 'dog' was, in fact, not a dog at all, but former Russian Prime Minister Viktor Chernomydrin, just starting a new line of work.
With New York City's Times Square turning into Disneyland, the prostitutes who were once associated with the seediest section of the Big Apple are walking a different street — the Information Superhighway. Mayor Rudy Guiliani has cracked down on 'quality of life' crimes by increasing the number of streetwalking police to cut down on the number of streetwalking streetwalkers. However, the 'profession' has adapted to this sudden snag by using the lastest technology to sell itself over the World Wide Web. Escort agencies are adveritising and protect their offices with the newest in security technology.Captain Costello of the Manhattan South vice squad says, 'They have closed-circuit cameras, lookouts, and sometimes vastly superior technology.' In reaction to the news, Bill Gates was reportedly seen roughing up a time square pimp who was competing with his MicrosoftSlutzÙ website. A closer look revealed the 'pimp' to be enterprising former Russian Prime Minister Viktor Chernomydrin, apparently just starting a new line of work. Last October, some Big Red undergrads placed a massive 60-pound pumpkin atop Cornell University's monumental 173-foot bell tower. However, five months later, the now rotten pumpkin still sits above the grey Ithaca campus, and the university's administrators want to get to the bottom of it. In this effort, university provost Don M. Randel has organized a contest in which undergraduate students are asked to figure out the true composition of the super-pumpkin. The winner will receive free textbooks for a semester and an autographed drawing of the 'Great Pumpkin' from 'Peanuts' creator Charles M. Schultz. When asked about his prospects of winning the competition,one Big Red freshman said, 'I hope I win. Snoopy makes me laugh. He's a funny dog.'
In a surprise move, Dennis Peron, founder of the Cannabis Cultivators Club of San Fransisco has announced his intention of winning the Republican nomination for governor of California. His opponent — California Attorney General Dan Lungren, the man who shut down Peron's business for five months in 1996 before the approval of the referendum to allow primary care-givers to administer marijuana to the ill under a doctor's supervision. Though Mr. Peron was unavailable for comment, his personal secretary did say that 'Mr. Peron is stoned to the bejeezus belt and is currently awaiting the dude from Dominos.'
The Virginia Supreme Court struck a blow for freedom of the student press, upheld the dismissal of a lawsuit by a Virginia Tech administrator who had charged that the student newspaper had defamed her by identifying her in print as the university's 'Director of Butt Licking' in a 1996 issue of the Collegiate Times. The court ruled, 7 to 2, that the publication had not defamed Sharon Yeagle, the assistant to the university's vice-president for student affairs because the phrase could not be construed as being factual information about her job and had not injured her professional reputation. 'In this case, the phrase 'Director of Butt Licking' is no more than rhetorical hyperbole,' Justice Elizabeth B. Lacy wrote for the court's majority. In a related decision, Judge Lacy also declared Dartmouth's 'Dean of Students' and the 'Office of Residential Life' to be rhetorical hyperbole.
For the past couple of weeks, a classified ad has been running in The Dartmouth asking for a woman to donate eggs to an infertile couple. The only requirements are that the donor have blond or brown hair, blue eyes, be an intelligent college student and be between 21 and 30 years of age. The couple is offering $3,500-$5,000 in compensation. If you're interested, please dial, toll free, 1-800-UBERMENSCH, and an operator will be standing by to take your call.
Dartmouth's world-renowned Safety and Security squad has recently released their annual report of 'service-related functions' for 1997. The run-down:
Recent events in the Streeter dorm have raised concerns about security on campus. An unknown man apparantly entered the dorm and defecated on the toilet seats and ejaculated on the floor of a woman's bathroom. One female student saw the man run out of the bathroom and later received several harassing phone-calls. Following the reporting of these acts, members of Safety and Security and the Office of Residential Life met to discuss options for improved security. One suggestion was for a 'master-key' system in which every student would receive a key allowing access to all dorms on campus in addition to their own room key. As for the unknown perpetrator, the Hanover Police Department has been notified and is currently investigating the incidents. In an unrelated story, the Department has been receiving lessons on how to properly interrogate suspects from the New York Police Department and is looking forward to using its newly acquired police baton techniques.
Pro-Bowl Defensive End and part-time NFL spiritual guru Reggie White shocked Wisconsin's legislature last week with off-color remarks during his testimony as an 'expert of racial issues.' White, an ordained minster, in an attempt to 'get people to come together,' praised the ability of Hispanics to 'put 20, 30 people in one home' and the innovation of Asians who 'can turn a television set into a watch.' Whites, according to Reggie, have a knack for making money and getting ahead.
Yet another woman has accused President Bill Clinton of sexual misconduct and, yet again, more denials emerge from the White House. Stewardess Cristy Zercher, who worked on Clinton's campaign plane in 1992, claimed, in a signed deposition, that the Don Juan of the Ozarks groped and fondled her for 40 minutes as well as inviting her into the bathroom with his trousers unzipped, all while Hillary was sleeping nearby. Zercher has held back her story for two years, after originally stating in the tabloid Star that she never viewed the President's actions as offensive. However, she now feels feels comfortable sharing her 'humiliating' story. Clinton's camp has categorically denied the charges, arguing that 'since the woman was neither trashy, old, overweight, or wearing obscene amounts of makeup, there's no way the Prez would've gone for her.'
A Jewish student at Harvard, Justin Danilewitz, recently accused the staff of The Harvard Crimson of rejecting his application for editorial board chariman because of his religion. This accusation came as a shock because the Crimson staff is largely Jewish. According to Danilewitz, he was rejected because the staff wanted more 'diversity of skin color' in its top positions, and among its columnists, who are chosen by the chairman. The whole issue is made even more puzzling by the fact that the two students eventually chosen to share the job are both Jewish. The Crimson has said that those two students were chosen for their level of dedication to the paper. Danilewitz, however, finds it 'hard to believe there weren't more sinister reasons for not being selected.' Rumors abound that he has already started working with Oliver Stone on a movie about the conspiracy against him.
The staff of Daniel Patrick Moynhian was surpised last week when they recieved a note from Vice President Al Gore congraualting the 71 year-old Senator from New York on the recent birth of his twins. Moynihan has not been a new father for three deacades. A wrong button pushed by a Gore intern had caused a form letter intended to wish Moynihan a Happy Birthday instead bid the senior senator Happy Parenting. President Clinton was understanding of Gore's error as he too had once made a similar mistake. There were red faces all around when Clinton sent a congratualtory note to Monica Lewinsky on her pregnancy only to discover she just was, in fact, fat. |
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