Week in ReviewB-School Blues Six Harvard Grad students were recently disciplined by the school's Standards Committee for allegedly creating a 'fraternity-like atmosphere.' The alleged criminal activity took place in 1996, but, because there was not sufficient public support at that time, the targets of the harassment waited until this spring to file charges with the school. Although women were usually the butt of sexually explicit jokes included on 'top ten lists,' the 'Frat Guy Six,' in true Harvard tradition, were equal opportunity harassers who also sent notes to men with forged female signatures at the bottom. All of the accused students will graduate this spring, but in the meantime have been granted honorary brotherhood in the national fraternity of Beta Theta Pi.
When American movies are exported to China publicists feel that they have a greater chance for success if the movies are renamed such that the Chinese audience can more easily identify with the characters involved and understand the basic content of the movie. Some recent translations follow: Fargo — Mysterious Murder in Creamy Snow As Good As It Gets — Mr. Cat Poop The Full Monty — Six Naked Pigs Boogie Nights — His Powerful Device Makes Him Famous Academy Award winner Titanic has not been released in China yet, but its working translated title is 'Overrated American Movie with Gratuitous Nudity of Really Pale, Pasty, Woman.'
Bill Gates seems to believe that you can buy popularity. As a measure to combat the ongoing Justice Department Antitrust Probe, Microsoft has admitted to creating a public relations campaign in which advertising agency spinsters create letters to the editor for local newspapers that look like they represent genuine popular support. This sort of media campaign is commonly called 'astroturfing' within the Washington lobbying industry, because of the false nature of the supposed grassroots movement. A excerpt of one of the letters reads as follows: I don't know why the government is bothering Microsoft and Bill Gates. Mr. Gates is a very intelligent and very sexy man. I bet chicks dig him a lot. This is clearly a government conspiracy against rich sexy men. Gill Bates
All that was missing was Don King when a fight broke out between Representatives Jorge Rodriguez-Chomat and Carlos Valdes last Thursday on the floor of the Florida State Legislature. Rodriguez-Chomat and Valdes were debating the issue of private-school vouchers, when Valdes, a supporter of the program noted that his opponent, Rodriguez-Chomat, sends his own children to private schools. When Rodriguez-Chomat tried to wrestle the microphone away from Valdes, harsh words were exchanged between the two. 'He called me a 'jackass' and worse,' Valdes said. 'He said it again and again. I finally said, 'You must be looking in the mirror.'' At this point, blows were thrown, but the two men were quickly separated and apologies were issued. Instead of fighting, the House decided that the two should settle their differences through a game of 'Rock, Paper, Scissors.' Valdes' rock beat Rodriguez-Chomat's scissors and the debate ended.
The PMS-temporary insanity plea will likely be entered for two Midwestern women whenever they make it to court: ·Trudy Sherburn was arrested last week when investigators searching for destructive devices found four rocket launchers, a rocket warhead, a missile launcher and materials to make explosives in her home. She tried, to no avail, to fool the officers by calling the weapons her 'special Tupperware.' ·If Etharine Pettigrew is behind you, don't even try to go through the express lane with more then 10 items— she might hurt you. Last Saturday the Milwaukee woman viciously attacked a woman in the parking lot of a supermarket after the woman had cut Pettigrew off in line in the express checkout lane. In a cut-for-cut move, Pettigrew sliced off part of the woman's nose.
Russian President Boris Yeltsin, using his subtle powers of persuasion, has hinted that nominations for the vacant post of Prime Minister could drag if parliament does not promptly approve his appointment of Segei Kiriyenkoto to the position. Leaders within the Communist-controlled lower house of Parliament refuse to confirm Kiriyenkoto because he is too liberal and their constituency is demanding for a broad coalition government. Yeltsin's personal representative has stated, 'Getting him approved at the first attempt is most unlikely.' Sweet-talking Boris has since warned Parliament that he would continue to nominate Kiriyenkoto until he is approved, or even go so far as to dissolve Parliament if necessary. If that doesn't work, Yeltsin continued, he would 'sit down right here and hold my breath' until Parliament approved Kiriyenkoto.
Superstar free agent economist Robert J. Barro has decided to stick it out with the home team. After a highly publicized defection from Harvard to Columbia, Barro has cancelled his tour of sunny Morningside Heights; he now plans to stay in Cambridge. Columbia's announcement of snagging the highly regarded economics professor and columnist rocked the academic world. Barro was offered a $300,000 a year salary, a $55,000 faculty position for his wife and admission of his son to the prestigious Dalton School. The conditions of Barro's new deal with Harvard has not yet been released, but be assured of his insistence that his students will continue to have the top TA's in the field teach them their Econ.
The latest buzz in Washington, D.C. is that political staple Mayor Marion Barry will not be seeking reelection this fall. Barry, who has served four four-year terms since 1974, has for the first time acknowledged a life outside of the political spectrum. Barry, who was disgraced nearly a decade ago when he was caught on tape smoking crack and cavorting with prostitutes, is reportedly turning to the private sector, working with Milton Bradley to develop a new, board-game version of 'Rock, Paper, Scissors.' Barry's role? According to one Milton Bradley spokesman, 'He'll bring the rock.'
Last Tuesday at Dartmouth Hall, Paul Julian Smith, Professor of Spanish at Cambridge University, presented a lecture entitled 'Yerma and the Doctors: Lorca, Mara"on, and the Anxiety of Bisexuality.' In mixture of Spanish and English, Smith spoke of infertility and how every person has a 'phantom' of the opposite sex in them. He then contrasted this theme with evolutionary gynecology, occasionally throwing in the words 'orgasm' and 'genitals' amidst his heaving breathing. Smith then proceeded to light a cigarette and went to sleep.
In a recent study conducted at Princeton University it was revealed that fourty-four percent of the Tiger student body has never had sexual intercourse in their lifetime. This statistic deviates greatly from the 1995 Center for Disease Control report which lists 17.1% of students at four-year colleges and universities as never having engaged in sexual intercourse. Carlos Fernandez, a sophomore at the University, was surprised by this finding. He figured the number of sexually frustrated students would be much higher — above sixty percent was his guess. 'People here have no interest in the opposite sex, or they just don't know what to do.' Yes.
Country radio D.J. Scott Barnett was attacked last week when a man with an ax stormed into his Southern View, Illinois studio demanding that the station stop 'bugging his home.' The incident occurred during a live broadcast, although Mr. Barnett never mentioned it on the air. Barnett was able to wrestle the weapon away from the perpetrator and emerge unscathed. 'The man was not drunk,' said Barnett, 'but there was madness and rage in his eyes.' At first, Barnett thought it might have been an act of revenge perpetrated by the boyfriend of his ex-wife, only to realize that 'all my ex's live in Texas.' After an evalution by psychologists, the crazed man has simply been diagnosed with an 'achy, breaky heart.' The man's wife, Bernice, of the Southern View Shady Oaks Mobile Home Community has vowed to 'stand by her man.'
The Department of Agriculture recently announced it is investigating the death of Kenny, a three-year old Indian elephant owned by Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus. The Department had initially accepted the medical examiner's report of death by intestinal infection, but decided to reconsider its verdict after intense lobbying by that noted animal health specialist Kim Basinger. 'This elephant likely suffered more anguish and misery than we will ever know,' Basinger wrote. 'I cannot fathom the thought of this poor, sick baby cruelly and permanently removed from his mother's side.' |
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