Original Article: http://dartreview.com/archives/1998/04/29/on_the_mean_streets_of_cambridge.php
Wednesday, April 29, 1998
Harvard University is not without its attributes. The reputation is amazing. The facilities are unparalleled. The dorms are the nicest I've ever seen. In fact, the only major problem with Harvard seems to be the student body. There is very little in the way of social life at Harvard, and the students seem to like it that way.
There is no apparent reason for Harvard to be this social wasteland. Boston, often billed as the best college town in the world, is only ten minutes away. Yet I have friends who go there, who are generally social people, who never go out while they're at school. So why isn't Harvard a better time than it is?
During the Review's recent trip to Harvard, Contributor Chris Hummel and I took it upon ourselves to examine Harvard's social life. What we found was truly terrifying.
I arrived at Harvard late on a Saturday afternoon and went to the dorm room where we Reviewers were congregating. We entered the room to find everyone there. I sat in an empty chair and dropped my bag. Instantaneously, a waifish apparition was at my side and said rudely, 'That's my chair.' I looked up to see a ghostly pale, rat-like creature who apparently hadn't seen the sun in years. I moved, scared.
I guess the thirteen Review staffers in the room were slightly boisterous, but not nearly enough to justify the misery reflected on the faces of the Harvard students present. Contributor Barrett Thornhill poured everyone what he termed to be 'Dartmouth-sized' shots of Captain Morgan's and a fairly good time was had by all. Barrett also got the scoop on a freshman dorm party that was scheduled to start at 10. I smelled a story.
But it was only seven o'clock, so I called a couple of old friends who, unfortunately for them, were Harvard students. I went over to my friend Sara's room and talked for a while. Sara's room was incredible.
In fact, every dorm room I saw at Harvard was incredible. Enormous bedrooms and common rooms, fireplaces, wood panelling, and high ceilings were paramount. Every dorm room would have been perfect for a party.
So why were there so few parties?
I talked with Sara and her roommates for a while. One of Sara's roommates had just taken the MCAT that day. 'So, are you celebrating tonight?' I casually asked.
'Yeah, I think I'm going to rent a movie and stay in,' she responded.
Oh.
Sara explained to me that people didn't go out at Harvard and parties were few and far between.
'I heard about a freshman dorm party tonight,' I volunteered.
Sara laughed. 'Those things get busted within a half hour,' she smiled kindly, as if to a child.
'Well, I'm going to go anyway. Come with me.'
'No,' she said.
'Do you have anything better to do?' I said, somewhat snidely.
'OK, I guess I'll come.'
I called another friend, Alex, and convinced her to come as well. So Chris and I would be going out with two attractive women in a cool town. How could we lose?
Let me explain now that I didn't have a bad time that night. In fact, I'd say I had fun. But I'd say I had fun because of my friends and the fact that we spent the whole night laughing at Harvard. It was fun in the way that seeing 'Far and Away' was fun. (By the way, this is important. If you've never seen 'Far and Away' — don't.)
So my friends and I cruised over to the Yard to meet Chris. We entered the dorm and found the party. Surprisingly, at first appearance, the party seemed to be fairly happening. The room was dark and loud. As my eyes adjusted to the lighting, I noticed a bar over by the corner and asked for a drink, to which the girl responded, 'That'll be two dollars.'
Um....
I forked over the money and went back to my friends. True, the girls in the room were throwing a big party for which they had supplied the liquor, but I still thought it was slightly tacky. 'I just had to pay for this drink,' I said, unsure as to whether it had actually happened.
Chris was suitably horrified, but Alex and Sara seemed unsurprised. 'That's how it works. The girls are throwing this party and providing the liquor, not to mention a service to the entire freshman class. They're probably going to get busted in an hour and get into trouble, so at least they shouldn't go broke doing it.'
Wow. I looked around sympathetically, shaking my head.
We were just standing around when the lights suddenly came up and two uniformed Harvard Police officers walked in the door. 'Who lives here,' one of them said. A girl went over and talked to him.
The men left.
One of the girls said, 'We've got to keep it down, okay?'
Now, it had been extremely obvious that there was a party going on. There were around fifty people there and cups everywhere. Why did the officers leave? I decided that Harvard Police must be pretty cool.
We left the party right after that, and Alex went into the room across the hall to use the phone. I looked in and saw five people sitting on couches. The same two officers appeared to be lecturing them.
The officers came back out with a student, who was carrying a box full of cheap alcohol.
I was confused. Alex came back out and said, 'Those people just got busted for having a party.'
'There were five people in there,' I pointed out.
'Yeah, but they got busted anyway.'
'What?' Chris said. He started laughing hysterically at the inanity of the situation. Chris was laughing really hard, as was I. The two girls just shrugged. Suddenly we heard a, 'Hey, you!'
An officer appeared and asked Chris for identification. He produced his Dartmouth ID. 'You think this is funny?' the officer said menacingly. 'You don't even go here. Get out of my building before I book you for trespassing.'
'Yes, sir,' Chris responded and we hurriedly left the dorm. It was obvious that we were not dealing with a rational actor.
Outside the dorm, we saw the other officer, standing with the boy who had been carrying the box. The boy was pouring all of the liquor into a drain.
We couldn't help it. The situation was too bizarre. We started laughing again. The officer came back. 'You still find this funny?' he threatened us.
'You better watch it. Or else it's going to be a long night for you.'
At this point we got really annoyed. We wanted to go talk to the officer again, but the girls persuaded us not to.
So, we left. 'Anything else going on tonight?' I asked Alex.
'Well, there's a party for my friend's birthday...' she trailed off.
'Let's hit it!' I declared and we walked away. Someone let us into Adams House, where the party was taking place, and we found the room. Entering, we saw around fifteen people, dancing around to what sounded like the ESPN Jock Jams CD.
'I need a drink,' I announced. I went over to the corner and got some punch, which tasted good, and, best of all, was free. We stood. We got bored. I looked at my watch. It was 12:30. 'Any chance of another party?' I asked Sara.
'I heard there might be a party at the Advocate,' she said unsurely.
'Let's go.' I rallied the troops and we headed out. I didn't even know what the Advocate was and I didn't care. We got there and it was really cool. Drinks were free (and mixed), lots of people, relatively relaxed atmosphere. The music, however, was a little askew. Sara and I were hanging out by the DJ table and I noticed that no one was there.
They seemed to be just playing a Prince CD the whole way through, and the song that was currently on sucked.
I went behind the table and changed the track.
Someone came up to me, after the song had already started, and said, 'What are you doing?'
'Oh, I'm sorry,' I said innocently. 'I thought that, since no one was there, we could just play what we wanted to.'
He got the hint and stayed behind the DJ table for the rest of the night.
Which wasn't very long.
I looked up at around 1:15 and noticed that there were only around 10 people left in the room. 'Um, what's going on?' I asked Sara. 'Was there a fire drill or something?'
'No, all parties here end at 1:30,' she replied matter-of-factly.
This was too much for me to take.
So, we left. At 1:30. I wasn't even remotely tired. Alex went home, Chris went back to the room where he was sleeping, and Sara and I went to her friend's room, which was filled with people watching Star Trek.
'What's going on here, Sara?'
'I told you. There's no social life here.'
'Do you actually like it here?' I asked her.
'I mean, I don't like the lack of social life. Of course I'd prefer to be at a school that was more fun. But I'm getting a great education here, and I guess the tradeoff is that nobody parties.'
'I'm getting a great education at Dartmouth, and everyone parties. It's part of college.' I paused. 'If I went to college here, I'd demand a refund,' I boldly continued.
'This isn't college, Ram. This is Harvard.'