Week in ReviewWeighty Matters Last Thursday, a group of Harvard women gathered to eat ice cream as a statement against 'all the societal pressures, for women especially, to stay thin and not eat.' The event was sponsored by the University's Take Back the Night Program. According to the chairwoman of the event, 'The programming is especially important because it focuses on important problems women at Harvard are facing. One of the biggest problems on campus is eating disorders.' As watchers passed by some men were disconcerted to learn the event was confined to women only, but the chair justified the pigout by saying, 'Eating disorders are a much more prominent problem with women. This isn't supposed to be free food for everyone because it is not about everybody eating. It is about women eating without shame. Making the event women-only formalizes this idea.' Inspired by the women of many prominent New England colleges who eat without shame, the organizers also handed out a number of oversize sweatshirts and athletic pants emblazoned with the school logo.
Harvard University administrators recently confronted the editor of the Harvard Gay & Lesbian Review, a non-profit paper unaffiliated with the school, regarding the trademark rights of using 'Harvard' in its title. The publication's purpose is to provide an outlet for gay and lesbian essays and articles, and it has become nationally renowned in recent years. According to the editor, the fact that Harvard is in the title is mere coincidence and is not an attempt to appear affiliated with the prestigious university. He was outraged by the allegations that the paper was manipulating the public with its misleading title.
Children's advocates are aghast at the latest merchandising scheme cooked up by toy-makers — kiddie TV on the Public Broadcasting Service. The Barney-of-the-Moment is the British concocted Teletubbies. The roly-poly brightly colored characters are sweeping the toddler set out of their cradles with their cutesy songs and hijinks. However, the question lies with the suitability of marketing products to children of such a young age. Dr. Kathyrn Montgomery, President of the Center for Media Education, says, 'A child that young doesn't say 'Buy me that,' but in the store she will grab for something, and parents want to please their children. Marketing like this helps encourage that first 'Buy me that' exchange between a parent and a child before the kid even knows how to say 'Buy me that.' However the enormous financial windfall of the Teletubbies could cause PBS to sweep this issue under the table. Due to the huge popularity of the toy, PBS plans to introduce a new line of 'Tickle-Me-Ken Burns' and 'Hug-Me-McNeil-Lehrer' dolls next year.
Last week, in a pathetic effort to distract the nation during its economic crisis and water shortage, Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad commissioned sky divers to parachute the national car to the North Pole. The Prime Minister commended the achievement by stating 'We might seem to be taking our economy problem lightly, but it bolsters the spirit.' In a similar ploy to garner public support, President-elect James Wright has announced that he will parachute SA President Josh Green to the North Pole.
Juvenile crimes continue to escalate throughout the nation. This past week in Miami, a 10-year-old boy was arrested in a restaurant after he was spotted kicking his mother while throwing a temper tantrum. The boy was held overnight for 19 hours in a juvenile center on battery charges, where he was evaluated and brought before a judge who eventually dismissed the case. The district attorney was reportedly livid with the decision. 'I expected a sentence of no TV for a month, at least.' he said. When asked for his sentiments on the case, the Attorney General of Texas said, 'There's only one way to deal with a child like that — lethal injection.'
Pittsburgh Pirates broadcaster Lanny Frattare dropped the ball when he learned of the death of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s assassin, James Earl Ray. When his producer conveyed the news to the play-by-play man, Frattare misunderstood him as 'James Earl Jones' and launched into a eulogy commemorating the Hollywood actor, focusing especially on his role in the baseball movie, Field of Dreams. When notified of his error during the subsequent commercial break, Frattare said, 'I don't feel good about it. In fact, I feel like a real fool.'
The Director of Houston's Affirmative Action and Contract Compliance Office, Lenoria Walker, learned the hard way that dwarfs and midgets are not the same — she was suspended and ordered to develop a sensitivity-training program for city employees by Mayor Lee P. Brown. The controversy was aroused during an interview concerning the city's affirmative action policy, when Ms. Walker said, 'We have a Republican council member saying we should have something for people with disabilities, a midget...' She then proceeded to break into laughter, adding, 'I didn't say that!' The midget in question is, in fact, not a midget, but a dwarf. Councilman Joe Roach, a man who describes himself as the first dwarf elected to public office in a major American city, did not feel belittled by the remarks, for he does not believe that Ms. Walker's comments are representative of the views of most Houstonians. Roach has said, 'I want to be known as a good council member or a bad council member, not a Republican midget.' Democratic midget Robert Reich was unavailable for comment on the matter.
Last week, two Mexican legislators laid into each other over a controversial ban on smoking in the lower house and then pummeled an innocent bystander. A lower house official said Eduardo Bernal, a deputy whip for the ruling Institutional Revolutionary Party (PRI), and Miguel Angel Garza, of the Ecologist Greens Party (PVEM), brawled outside the chamber's administrative offices. 'It was pretty serious. Bernal even had blood on his face afterward,' said an official, who asked not to be identified. Garza had been complaining about PRI legislators who smoked in the debating chamber — a clear violation of a ban instituted last year. After the fisticuffs, the trash-talk continued as Garza punched visiting lawyer Andres Vite in the face for allegedly following him to the parking lot. Garza reportedly has said that he wants to take on Julio Caesar Chavez next, in a battle to see '∆Quién is es el m∑s mejor?'
In what could be irreconcilable differences, an estranged couple drew guns and fired at each other during a marriage counseling session at a Unitarian church in Fresno, California. The dispute occured when Michael Martin arrived late for the meeting with his wife, Bonnie. As she yelled at him for his tardiness, Mr. Martin, already clutching a can of beer in one hand, fired a shot and wounded Mrs. Martin. She then drew a gun from her purse and shot him in the chin. The couple was taken to the hospital where they were later arrested on the charge of attempted murder. When asked which one of the pair was more responsible, the Unitarian counselor reportedly replied, 'Oh, I think that each one of them is right. In fact, everyone is.'
Cookie Monster seemed to want something more then cookies — at least that's what his talking T-shirt said. Parents were shocked when shirts they bought at a K-Mart in Denver, Colorado which featured the Sesame Street character blurted out an obscenity instead of, 'Stand back. Here comes cookie. Mmmm, delicious.' As a result of the nature of the complaint, K-Mart has decided to pull the product from their 2100 stores nationwide. These incidents follow similar complaints over the 'Howard Stern Talking T-Shirt.'
This past week, in a journey reminiscent of the running of the bulls in Pamplona, over 500 students at the University of Michigan ran a one-mile circuit through ecstatic crowds of onlookers around the town of Ann Arbor. Much like the bulls, these wolverines were in the nude. What was once a traditional jaunt for a small number of male crew and track athletes celebrating the end of classes has now become a popular social event for both sexes. Men and women, in the proportion of seven men to each woman, graced the quaint town of Ann Arbor with their sexual units. Thousands of excited town residents flocked to the Spring sprint just to get a glimpse of the naked bodies. While no one has reported any serious injuries yet, many fear that the students, particularly the women, might have been sexually assaulted. Furthermore, photographers at the event immediately published their photos of the 'Naked Mile' on the Internet. Nevertheless, the runners felt happy that they were not led into Michigan Stadium and slaughtered before the boisterous 'Big Blue' crowd after the run.
The Gold Coast is not the haven that it used to be. Last winter, the girls' bathroom in Streeter was vandalized, and now, residents of Lord Hall are having issues over taste, censorship and propriety concerning proper lavatory literature in which ORL has had to become involved:
Little Johnny may not be so little after all. A recent study conducted by researchers at the University of Massachusetts found that children as young as 10 are now using steroids in order to enhance their athletic performance. It was found that 2.7 percent of students questioned at four Massachusetts middle schools were using anabolic steroids. 'We have thought that it had been a problem primarily of high school and college students,' said Dr. Robert W. Blum, a professor of pediatrics at the University of Minnesota. In related news, Ben Johnson's Winnipeg nursery school and track clinic is under investigation after six ten year olds broke the four second mark in the forty yard during the recent Presidential fitness tests.
The 27th annual 'hash bash' was held recently at the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor. This festival celebrated the merits of marijuana and encouraged college students, aging 60s activists, and even professors to publicly smoke up on Michigan's equivalent of the Green, known as the Diag. Five thousand people showed up at the Hash Bash, making it a success according to the organizers. Area Domino's pizzerias reported record earnings as did the nearby laser show presentation of Pink Floyd's 'The Wall,' though area drug stores reported sales of soap and personal hygiene products dropped dramatically.
The city of San Francisco has found a new way to employ its homeless population: tracking down the city's pigeon killers. The city has been plagued with 'merciless ornithophobes,' who have been feeding the city's pigeons with poisoned birdseed. Many citizens, angry at the portrayal of pigeons as 'flying rats,' recounted the recent deaths they had encountered. After Carl Friedman, the director of the Department of Animal Care and Control, saw a dead pigeon being circled by its grief-stricken mate, he said, 'I don't care if you're not crazy about pigeons, that's got to touch your heart strings.' One animal control officer said she had seen pigeons 'plummet out of the sky.' Even The San Francisco Chronicle has gotten into the act, calling the pigeons 'street-wise doves with the skills needed to survive in an urban jungle, like many of us.' The Chronicle called the poisoning a 'wanton and criminal act of cruelty' and hoped the offenders would be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
Along with their annual issue commemorating the 'Fifty Most Beautiful People Alive,' People magazine added an online poll this year. While the predictable favorites pulled ahead early on in the race, fans of the Howard Stern Show mounted a campaign for 'Hank the Angry, Drunken Dwarf,' a recurring character on Stern's show. The campaign quickly spread to several colleges and universities, including Dartmouth. Not only does Hank have more than eight times as many votes as does everyone's favorite androgyne, Leonardo DiCaprio (Hank's closest competitor), but misspellings of his name stand in ninth, tenth, thirteeenth, fiftennth, and seventeenth through twentieth places. The most recent results of People's online poll are as follows: 1. Hank the Angry, Drunken Dwarf, 40247 votes |
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