Highlights from Sex Rules! Maria Falzone

By James S.C. Baehr | Monday, October 22, 2001

After failing as stand-up comedian, Maria Falzone took over Susan Landolphi's 'Hot, Sexy and Safer' routine, which has since become the 'Sex Rules!' show. Landolphi's performance was described by The Boston Herald as 'the graphic sex-education routine that so outraged two Chelmsford High School students in 1992 that they tried suing Landolphi for $ 3.5 million.' The case went all the way to the Supreme Court, but was rejected in 1996.

In order to avoid similar mishaps, Falzone's sex education show is for college crowds only. In the years since she began 'Sex Rules!,' she has performed at colleges across the country. Unlike at Dartmouth, however, attendance was optional at most other colleges.

Falzone's performance at Dartmouth was the subject of a Review piece (TDR, 10-1-2001).

From Sex Rules!:

'Look at your vulva. Own it. Touch it. What does it smell like? What does it taste like?'

'If I were President, I would make masturbation mandatory. You have to find out how you work and what you like. How can you ask someone to give you pleasure if you don't know what you like?'

'We should have good mother-daughter talks. (The mother) should say, 'I have a vagina, you have a vagina; let's talk.''

No should mean no in relationships: 'So men, do you want me to cut off your penis with a razor blade? Ah, your lips say no, but your eyes say yes.'

'(Women) have the ability to think themselves an orgasm. In fact, men, my 20 orgasms probably compares to your one. And our uteruses are powerful muscles—they push out life. If you kick a man in the balls, he squirms in pain.'

'The only time I feel good about what I do is if I have educated someone or made an impact.'

'Vulva parties involve a group of girls wearing skirts—for easy access. We display our genitals to ourselves and each other; then we masturbate.'

'It feels like a warm, wet vagina.'

'My husband [a Japanese rocket scientist] and I don't prefer intercourse. Usually we give each other head. (sic)'

On anal sex: 'I want all you men to use saran wrap to envelop your ass and penis—girls, too. It turns me on, and it's better that way.'

'MASTURBATION!'

'We should have twenty minute masturbation breaks. Also, every woman should have a vibrator in their 'Welcome to UC Davis' package.'

'Each vagina is different, each is like a snowflake, unique in its own way.'

'My goal is for you to have incredible sex, with someone and yourself.'

'I want you to communicate with each other when you guys eat out your women.'

'Girls, I want you to feel comfortable with vibrators.'

'The vagina is not the main site of stimulation.'

'Cunnilingus is very important for sex. Girls love it.'

'Later, I went home, got a mirror and spread my legs. [Her vulva] was beautiful.'

Highlights from Sex Rules! Maria Falzone

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