Educatin in 'The Age of Now': Jeffrey Shaw Reviews 'Non Campus Mentis'

By Jeffrey Shaw | Monday, November 12, 2001

Corruption grew especially ripe in Zaire, where Mobutu was known to indulge in more than an occasional little armadillo.

—Anonymous College Student

All-nighters, rushed deadlines, and apathy. All students have encountered these as they sit at their computers late at night staring at a blank screen. We all have written awful papers, but some students' notion of awful is mind-blowing.

Thus enters Non Campus Mentis, a book compiled by Professor Anders Henriksson of Shepherd College. The book's title is a play on a Latin phrase, non compos mentis, which means 'not of sound mind.' The professor does little of his own writing in this book, except for a few paragraphs outlining the demise of higher education in today's generation of students. The book is composed of student gaffes taken verbatim from papers written at colleges and universities throughout North America. Some of the errors are so ridiculous that it seems they must be fabricated. Unfortunately, they aren't.

Why, you might ask, should one bother to read this book? Is there any point to reading about the simple errors some students make, either out of carelessness or plain stupidity?

Well, sometimes the answer is yes. It is good for a laugh. Henriksson has put together a brief world history as seen through the eyes of students. We begin with the 'Stoned Age,' where 'prehistoricle people spent all day banging rocks together so that they could find something to eat.' The book concludes with the 'Age of Now,' which, as one student adeptly puts it, is 'now.' The rest of history then falls into place.

The students prove they have a firm grasp of antiquity. One student provides a unique perspective into Egypt. He says, 'civilization woozed out of the Nile about 300,000 years ago... every year it would flood and irritate the land. This tended to make people nervous.' Greek culture is similarly muddled. 'Greek semen ruled the Aegean. We know about this thanks to Homer's story about this thanks to Homer's story about Ulysees Grant and Iliad, the painful wife he left behind.' Our previous notions on Greek religion are also corrected. 'Religion was polyphonic. Featured were gods such as Herod, Mars, and Juice. Persepolis was the god of vegetables.'

Rome, we learn was 'founded sometime by Uncle Remus and Wolf.' The role of Brer Rabbit and Tar Baby is not elucidated. The Roman Republic was 'bothered by intestinal wars, Scipio was called 'Africanus' because he served in Spain, and Anthony kept the people happy by giving them breaded circuses.'

Students' notions of Christianity extend far beyond what we read in the Gospels. It seems that Mary was 'different from other women because of her immaculate contraption.' And that 'Mary and Joseph went from inn to inn trying to find a place for Jesus to be born, but they were refused everywhere because they were Jewish.'

Medieval times brought the 'manurial system,' where 'surfs were dentured and bonded to the ground.' This was quite a tumultuous time: 'murder during this period was nothing. Everybody killed someone.'

Dissenters of the Catholic Church were treated harshly. 'John Huss refused to decant his ideas about the church and was therefore burned as a steak.'
The Bubonic Plague was another unfortunate occurrence of this era. It was spread 'from port to port by inflected rats, and passed around by midgets. Victims grew boobs on their necks, and death rates exceeded one hundred percent in some towns.'

There is also much to learn about the Renaissance. 'Machiavelli, who was often unemployed, wrote The Prince to get a job with Richard Nixon.' And also, Charles V 'spent most of his reign aging.' Interesting.

Spanish history is also explored in detail. Ferdinand and Isabella conquered 'Granola, a part of Spain now known as Mexico and the Gulf States.' Meanwhile, Cortez led a group that conquered with great ease. 'Small box, which they brought with them, was killing the natives at a very quick rate. This bothered the Spanish little, for as Catholics they did not believe in God.'

Next come the great revolutions. Students are naturally interested in causes of war, so we expect some true insight to come out of this section. For example, many colonists became 'convicted patriots after reading Horse Sense by the escaped Englishman Thomas Pain, and that Benjamin Franklin was famous as inventor of the light bulb.' Another student analyzes the coming of the French Revolution. 'Another problem was that France was full of French
people...Revolters demanded liberty, equality, and fraternities.' Versailles would make some Greek house.

The Industrial Revolution followed thereafter, where 'Europe was disrupted by the fast paste of change, while industrialization was precipitating in England.' Clearly unemployment was an issue during this time, since in Paris in 1848, 'out of a city population of one million people, two million able bodies were on the loose.'

Women's rights were not yet a full-fledged cause, but there were some hints of unrest. 'The law treated women the same as children, criminals, or insomniacs. Girls were typically sent to finishing schools, where the point was to finish them off.' Perhaps this is why the gender imbalance became so significant during this period.

The Civil War was an important time in American history, when a country divided became reunited. Of course, the Civil War 'began in 1830. Many soldiers repeatedly gave their lives for their country.'

This brings us to World War I, which led 'the countries of Europe and the world to an unthinkable war which became thinkable.' Obviously.

Wars are often fought under less than ideal conditions, and some students enjoy pointing out these pieces of trivia. For example, 'men on both sides would have gotten to know each other much better if they didn't have to wear uniforms... At war people get killed, and then they aren't people anymore, but friends.' One student found it hard to believe that 'all who took part in the war were first cousins, but stranger things have happened, I guess.' Yeah, me too.

In the interim between World Wars, the 'Davy Jones Index crashed in 1929 [and] many people were left to political incineration. Some, like John Paul Sart, retreated into extraterrestrialism.'

Our involvement in the Second World War came about when Japan 'boomed Pearl Harbor, the main US base in southern California.' The effects lasted long after the war. One example was the Berlin Wall, which 'was built somewhere in Europe.'

Also during this era came the end of imperialism. One student opines, 'the fall of empires has been a good thing, because it gives more people a chance to exploit their own people without outside interference.'

Back in the US, the Civil Rights movement was winding up. The USA 'turned around the corm with Martin Luther Junior's famous 'If I Had a Hammer' speech.' In this speech, King's 'four steps to direct action included self purification, when you allow youself to be eaten to a pulp.'

Meanwhile, some geography lessons can help tie together one's understanding of World History. North Africa, 'which lies in the northern part of Africa, is therefore not in Africa. Without a dou[b]t this was the Middle East, where all bets were misplaced.'

The insights of these students is not at all encouraging, and is actually quite disturbing. That these students could one day be teaching children history is almost enough to call for an end to education. But, surely, we will carry on. As one student puts it: 'There has been a change of social seen. The last stage is us. We, in all humidity, are the people of currant times.'

What a relief.

Educatin in 'The Age of Now': Jeffrey Shaw Reviews 'Non Campus Mentis'

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