Don't Fear the Reaper

By Stefan Beck | Wednesday, November 27, 2002

One night, while scouring the Internet for adult videos, Fortean theories, and Jai-Alai betting tips, I chanced upon an intriguing website. Pictured on the site were science juggernauts Thomas Alva Edison, Nikola Tesla, and Albert Einstein. Their photos were accompanied by the following: 'Many people have scorned and laughed at the persons below. But one day, they were all proven to be correct.'

Alex Chiu, author of www.alexchiu.com, hopes one day to be included in the ranks of these brilliant men. He holds U.S. Patent #5989178 on a device which promises to be a greater boon to mankind than the electric light, the automobile, and the TalkBoy combined. It's not much to look at: a pair of metallic rings, one ring for each index finger. One would never guess, simply by looking at these rings, what awesome powers they hold. See, unlike most of the snake oil sold on the Internet these days, this isn't just some date rape drug, or an herbal remedy for erectile dysfunction. Alex Chiu's rings are the real thing, and, if you wear them, you'll live forever.

Man has always hoped to cheat death. In the old days, you did it by getting on God's good side. In Genesis 5:27, we find that 'all the days of Methuselah were nine hundred sixty and nine years: and he died.' Not too bad! But Deuteronomy 34:7 tells us that Moses lived to be only 120 years old—and things have only gotten worse since. Modern people power walk, eat 'heart-smart,' apply anti-wrinkle creams, and read Longevity magazine, but the life expectancy of the average American remains a paltry 76.9 years.

So, everybody dies. Not even Moses managed to escape the Reaper. It's inevitable, isn't it?

Well, not anymore. According to his website, Alex Chiu's Eternal Life Rings are 'believed to allow humans to stay physically young forever or turn humans physically younger...and cure various diseases and handicaps as long as you wear the rings every night during sleep.' To be sure, many would call this a preposterous claim, but Alex Chiu stands by it. He says that his 'eternal life' claim is no exaggeration—it is not intended to improve health or appearance, but to prolong human life indefinitely.

Not the sort to be gulled by charlatans, this reporter decided to go straight to the source. Chiu was eager to discuss the particulars of his invention.

The Dartmouth Review: What kind of tests have you performed to verify your claims about the Eternal Life Rings?

Alex Chiu: We only have some testimonials. If I'm not the inventor, I probably would laugh my guts out myself.

TDR: What leads you to believe that it works?

AC: You put on the product—you immediately feel a strong surge. You feel something very strong. It's like after you drink liquor. You feel all dizzy and stuff, right? This product, when you put it on, you feel something very strong. It's totally beyond the placebo effect.

TDR: Are you concerned that the effect you're describing may be dangerous?

AC: It's not dangerous at all. I've been using it...I invented it when I was nineteen. I'm thirty-two now.

TDR: That's dedication.

AC: It's not dedication. Once you use it, you know you need it.

TDR: What kind of science is behind this?

AC: It's based on human magnetic flux. Chinese people call it chi. HMF is like this: the human body has two sides, right? The magnetic flux flows from one terminal of the body to the other side of the body. It flows from your toes up to your legs, up to your body, to your head, and then turn around, maybe flow to the back of your body, flow downward, and then it comes back up again, and then it flows to the other side of your body, and then it goes to the backside of your body again, and then finally it comes out the other terminal, which is your other toes. The human body always has this flux. And as you age, you damage your body—you know, you have these small injuries every day. You eat lots of stuff that's unclean, you know, that has cholesterol. It has toxins, and that contaminates your body furthermore. The more you age, these ailments hinder the magnetic flux.

TDR: Does this offer immortality only to someone who is already healthy? If you are a smoker and use this product, will the product work?

AC: A lot of people who gave me testimonials...when they put on the device they kind of don't want to smoke any more. It's like when they inhale some smoke their lungs become very sensitive to that smoke.

TDR: Suppose you're wearing the product, and you get an injury of some kind. It's not going to prevent you from being harmed, is it?

AC: No. When you were born, God gave you a battery. When that battery runs out, you're dead. But what I did is this...I gave you a pair of rings, so every night you recharge the battery. You can't die! Every night you put on the rings, the magnetic flux of the body becomes faster. New users say that the heartbeat increases so much that it makes it hard to fall asleep. It recharges the magnetic flux. You're neutral every night, so it brings you back to square one.

TDR: Are you religious?

AC: No.

TDR: You mentioned God. Do you believe in God?

AC: Well, I think God is a mathematical formula. I practice I-Ching. It's highly physical and mathematical. It's like when you throw three coins on the ground, it tells you when something's going to happen...it has to do with astrology and everything...so based on that, and based on lots of Chinese people there's a lot of prophets, they make predictions, and they all come try, one by one...and if they all come true in the time frame that they've specified, I figure that God is some kind of mathematical formula. It's like an alarm clock, when you adjust the alarm clock to a certain time...when the time comes, the alarm clock sounds...and that's basically what God is.

TDR: Do you have any reservations about the idea of immortality? Do you feel that there are reasons why people shouldn't be immortal?

AC: There are a lot of reasons. People might get bored. Once you become 100 year old, you still don't age...you learn everything already, you travel everywhere already...but that's not my job...I'm just an inventor.

TDR: The world will end, eventually. If people are around for that, well, that's a pretty terrifying prospect. Thoughts?

AC: I don't really know, because the reason why people have so many children nowadays—especially Indians and, what do you call it, the Third World country—is because they are afraid of aging. When you age, you become fifty or sixty, the only thing you can do is expect your children to bring bread to the table. If you don't have any children, you're just going to be a bum on the street. You starve to death or something. That's the reason a lot of these Third World country, these people, they have lots and lots of children. They expect that, years later, I could sell my children.

TDR: Right.

AC: You know, when they become five years old, I could sell them as a slave.

TDR: Wait, wait, wait. Sell them as slaves?

AC: Yeah, you know, a lot of Third World countries, they do that.

TDR: Really?

AC: They basically produce children for their own gain.

TDR: I was under the impression that they would have children so their children could, say, work on their farm. But I didn't know that they could actually have them sold as slaves.

AC: You and I, we're Americans. We think too Americanized...when their child become eight or nine year old, their child can start working. When you go to Thailand, there is child pornography everywhere. Who is behind them? Their parents!

TDR: Right.

AC: So basically, they have children...one family has like six or seven children. What's the purpose? They be like twenty year old forever. They probably would go: huh? I might as well not have so many children. This big family is going to be a hassle. I always have to worry about somebody being killed or being a hassle.

TDR: I can see you've considered a lot of angles. Have you considered any possible problems that can arise from this invention?

AC: I have no choice. This invention is too valuable, too important to be forgotten. Are you responsible? Of course not. I don't have a choice. It's like, my son is a mass murderer. I'm a judge right, and I discovered my son killed somebody. I don't have a choice, right? I don't have a choice: I have to bring this guy to court. It's my job.

TDR: Because you've uncovered this, it's your job to bring it to everyone.

AC: Yeah, because it's such an important invention. It's not some napkin holder.

TDR: Do you feel that this has the potential to solve particular world problems?

AC: When I first brought it to the table, I wanted to keep it to myself, okay? I thought, 'Oh, cool, that I could live forever, and everybody keep aging. When I become forty, I still look the same, and they go, (falsetto) 'Oh, how do you do it? What's your secret?' When I was like twenty-five, I went to a nightclub, I was talking to some girl, and some gangster came up and punched me in the face—that changed my mind. Well, if I die tomorrow, I get run over by a truck, nobody would know about me. Who's gonna be responsible, if nobody knows about it?

Unfortunately, space does not permit a complete transcript of our interview, nor is there time to discuss at length Mr. Chiu's other theories and plans ('How a group of chemicals form into a cell. What makes animals crawl, swim, or walk. Why can humans think. Why are there male and female. Must read!'). But his website does offer a few hints at what he has on the drawing board right now—for instance, beautiful people ('I shall endeavour to make everyone as beautiful as [actress] Alicia [Silverstone] with my invention.') and new aviation technology ('Unlike a jet, UFO is balanced by its gyroscopic rotating outerbody. It will never lose control at any altitude. Which means, it can fly so high, it flies into space.').

Alex Chiu need no longer fear obscurity. There is little doubt that, having learned of his bold invention, men, women, and children will flood his website with orders, and he will be able to retire comfortably. For all eternity.

Don't Fear the Reaper

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