Original Article: http://dartreview.com/archives/2003/05/12/week_in_review.php
Monday, May 12, 2003
Hot FFFM Action
'Did you ever wonder...how 'deep' is the average vagina?' The answer—kind of—was discussed during the two-hour premiere of 'In Your Pants,' a radio show airing on the college-funded WDCR station. Advertised as 'Dartmouth's only LIVE, CALL IN SEX SHOW!!!!!,' the program was hosted by Jennifer Kosty '06 and Sheila Hicks '04. Few practical answers were available to callers seeking advice on heterosexual intercourse, as Kosty is a virgin and Hicks, a lesbian, admitted that, 'I don't really do penises.' Guest 'sexpert' and Center for Women and Gender vixen Giovanna Munafo did little to alleviate this oversight, and most of the 'advice' seemed to be dispensed by a random tech guy.
Hicks, Kosty, and Munafo emphasized that no sex act between two—or more—consenting partners should be branded as 'weird.' With that in mind, the hosts suggested 'lots of lube' as a blanket solution to most every query, including to a couple desiring testicular sex. This pearl of wisdom was dispensed even to an obvious prank caller who, supposedly bored with intercourse, hoped that his girlfriend would defecate on his face. Listeners also learned that Hicks has engaged in sexual activities on the Big Empty Meeting Area (BEMA), certain members of the women's rugby team are allegedly pleasuring themselves by placing gerbils in their rectums, strap-on phalluses are not just for lesbians, and a 'sock on the cock' is a poor substitute for a condom during drunken sex. Throughout, intercourse was generally viewed as an end in itself, thoroughly divorced from any relationship context.
More troubling than its prurient content was the show's failure to fulfill its supposed rationale—to provide sex advice. The trio admitted that a little pre-show 'boning up' on the internet site 'WebMD' was the extent of its medical knowledge, and, in between discussions of pubic hair, moresomes, and toying mature plumpers, legitimate questions seemed a mere distraction. Well-informed facts and coherent thoughts were notably absent, and queries about autoerotic asphyxiation—'more lube' was the advice—and how to deal with a cheating boyfriend—'three strikes and you're out'—were badly mishandled.
Really Fat Grimbos
A recent letter to Purdue's independent student newspaper, The Exponent, has provoked widespread furor in Lafayette. Authored by School of Technology sophomore Josh Brown, the missive reads, in part:
'Women at Purdue are too fat. There just aren't enough quality, healthy women on this campus. All too often I'll be on my way to class when I'll see a skin-tight shirt with handles and rolls hanging out. It's enough to make me hurl. There are a few diamonds, but with the amount of attention they get you'd think they were the Olsen twins... Cheer up! The good news is there's hope. If you have a problem, do something about it. Just stop eating so much! Go to the new fitness center every once in a while! Take advantage of the summer break and do something for yourself and the people around you. Sure I'm insensitive, but you're fat.'
The letter was not well-received. Mr. Brown ultimately received over a hundred indignant e-mails, dozens of prank calls, and two death threats. Other incensed students were more creative in making their voice heard. Junior Shannon Sischo, who is grossly obese, walked around campus for an entire week wearing only a bra, panties, and a sandwich-board sign that proclaimed, 'I May Be Fat But At Least Somebody Loves Me.'
Throckmorton P. Scribblemonger
The new line of Student Assembly executives is out, jazzed up for a new year. Current student body President Janos Marton '04 was re-elected in a landslide victory, trouncing opponent Brett Theisen '05. According to campus insiders, Theisen ran a lackluster campaign as an 'SA outsider.' Noah Riner '06 emerged victorious as Vice President, who was, according to a poll published in The Daily Dartmouth, a darkhorse candidate. David Wolkoff '05, who finished third in the VP race, garnered twice as many votes as his nearest opponent in the poll.
The election also encompassed the trivial. The perennial satirical candidate-hedgehog 'Snead Hearn,' a nickname adopted this year by Neil Desai '05, finished two votes shy of a place in Greek Key, the junior honor society. His high standing was attributed to an uncorrected glitch in the election website, which allowed students to write-in one person multiple times for offices for which they were supposed to selected multiple candidates.
The election software also accepted any DND entry as a valid selection. The Gamma Delta Chi Fraternity, the Gospel Choir, the Center for Women and Gender, Dean of the College Jim Larimore, Throckmorton P. Scribblemonger '17, and Food Court Manager Larry James all received votes.
Finally, The Dartmouth Review Contributing Editor G. Rollo Begley narrowly fell short of achieving his life-long goal of 2004 Class Council Vice President. Reflecting on the campaign, which came to a disappointing close with a second-place finish as a write-in, Begley noted his 'unusually large donations from big tobacco.' Campaign manager and TDR Editor-In-Chief Alston Ramsay said, 'We were all really crushed by this loss, but it was definitely the work of a vast left-wing conspiracy.' Mr. Ramsay also emphasized that Mr. Begley would be back, having pledged to serve as Vice President for any seniors who remain at the College for a fifth term.
Now Leaving Flavor Country
Former U.S. Surgeon General Dr. C. Everett Koop '37 presented the John P. McGovern Annual Award Lectureship on Science and Society on May 1. Part of a series of events focusing on substance abuse in the Upper Valley area, Dr. Koop's address touched on addiction to and recovery from drugs, tobacco, and alcohol. He spent the bulk of his address admonishing tobacco companies and executives. Describing nicotine as a gateway drug that leads to other addictions, Dr. Koop reprimanded tobacco executives for the 'deplorable' act of marketing their products to children. He labeled the tobacco CEOs as 'evil,' 'the real terrorists in our society,' and repeatedly compared them to Columbian drug lords. Dr. Koop also drew a parallel between the blame 'mistakenly' placed on substance abusers and AIDS sufferers, emphasizing that America needs to keep fighting the disease that is addiction, not the addicts who are afflicted with the disease. He reminded the audience that 'education on addiction can never let up,' and that the problem of substance abuse is a real threat to both the Upper Valley and the Dartmouth community. The former Surgeon General currently serves as a Senior Fellow and Elizabeth DeCamp McInerny Professor of Surgery at his eponymous institute.
Basketball Coach Derecognized
Iowa State men's basketball coach Larry Eustachy was suspended this term, ostensibly for publicly announcing his battle with alcoholism. The incident stemmed from an incident in late April when University of Missouri student Sean Devereaux provided the The Des Moines Register with photographs from a January party, depicting Eustachy partying in the apartment of one his players. In high spirits despite the team's loss, the married coach is depicted kissing a nubile young co-ed and brandishing a Natural Light beer. This incident comes over a year after Eustachy allegedly engaged in fisticuffs with a Kansas State University fraternity brother who took umbrage at the coach's supposed designs on his sister. 'I can't have two or three beers, I've gotta have ten or twelve,' Eustachy said in a contrite press conference.
Gayest 'Fraternity' Ever
The Sigma Phi Epsilon 'fraternity' at the University of California, Irvine, is at the forefront of a new effort increase sensitivity and tolerance within the Greek system.
The Vice President of Sig Ep came out to his fraternity brothers around a flaming campfire during a house retreat last fall. His act of courage inspired three more members to out themselves soon after. Sig Ep decided that they needed a faculty advisor who could help them work through their emotions. They enlisted openly homosexual professor Eric Anderson—whom they nicknamed 'Gumby'—to fill the role. He teaches a course that explores the reasons behind homophobia, and how to combat it. Within a week, two more brothers had come out to the house.
With Gumby on board, Sig Ep became so much more sensitive. Pledges were recently rechristened 'new members,' and there is a new 'no humiliation' policy in effect. Similarly, the Sig Ep brothers have renamed themselves 'bois' because, as Mr. Anderson put it, 'boi implies one who is male, yet has cast off all the baggage of being a 'man' and who is certainly not immature as 'boy' implies.' Instead, the Sig 'bois' are 'creating a culture of masculinity that values femininity.'
Sigma Phi Epsilon now offers a 'Drama Queen of the Week Award' at meetings to the 'boi' who has generated the most drama in the past week. Gumby approved. 'To have men expressing drama, opposed to withholding their emotions and letting them out in the form of violence, is certainly one direction I like to see men moving towards.'
One 'boi' commented that while he felt that 'those deep traditions of hazing and all that 'masculine stuff' just aren't going to change soon,' the house was by far the most 'progressive' on campus, and that it was blazing a trail for a more tolerant Greek system. Gumby voiced his enthusiastic approval. While he feels that 'fraternities serve as a pillar of patriarchy and homophobia,' he thought that the new Sig Ep 'suggests that a new kind of masculinity awaits us in America.'
One might think that the interpersonal dynamic at Sig Ep would be disrupted by all the homosexuality, but one would be wrong. One boi-brother enthused, 'Why would straight guys have a problem with guys being gay? It's less competition for me!'
Make War, Not Love
The University of California at Berkeley is no stranger to mass protests—a boisterous crowd of indignant demonstrators is a familiar sight in People's Park, one of the main gathering areas on campus. However, a recent pro-war rally on such turf turned the tables and is now causing controversy on campus. The Berkeley College Republicans sponsored the festivities, which many saw as evidence of a rightward drift of the campus. A jubilant Shawn Steel, former California state GOP chairman, remarked that he 'never dreamed during his lifetime that I would see this.' Speaking from the steps of Sproul Hall, conservative student leaders praised President Bush and sang 'America the Beautiful.' Signs urged onlookers to 'Give War a Chance' and 'Bomb France.' Students participating in the rally were heckled by a gaggle of leftist activists in nearby residences.
Back Dat A$$ Up
Students at Princeton University have a new outlet for their school spirit—as of mid-April, officially-licensed thong underwear is available at the University Store. The line features a tiger paw and is currently available in four colors. Justifying the decision to carry the thongs, marketing director Virginia France noted that the U-Store has always stocked underwear. While the Daily Princetonian claims that 'Princeton may be the only Ivy League school to carry an insignia thong,' its fact-checkers have clearly failed to scour the Hanover plain. Dartmouth thongs have been available at Co-op competitor Traditionally Trendy since last term.
The Jolson Twins
Last October, five University of Tennessee fraternity brothers from Jackson, Tennessee, attended a Halloween party as the musical troupe 'The Jackson Five.' In order to complete the costume, the group donned blackface and spoke in jive. Kappa Sigma, the brothers' Greek organization, was immediately suspended by both the national corporation and the University. However, because the chapter was recently reinstated by the national, UT's administration has established a lengthy list of provisos and barriers to Kappa Sig's re-recognition. Required items on the checklist submitted to the fraternity include assigned reading of James McBride's The Color of Water and marketing 'diversity training workshops.' The University initially suspened Kappa Sig because they failed to 'facilitate a climate of civility and multi-cultural understanding.'
Nubile Southern Tail
Charleston, South Carolina, City Councilman Wendell Gilliard—who sees himself as 'a visionary, a mover-and-shaker'—is on a one-man crusade to curtail sunbathing. Since its recent restoration, the city's Marion Square has been a popular spot for scantily-clad students at the College of Charleston to soak up the sun. While these students see the square as a practical alternative to trekking to the beach, Gilliard views the sunbathing as symptomatic of a wider moral decline. Mr. Gilliard claimed that, 'This 'Girls Gone Wild'-type attitude has caught ahold all across the country. We don't want it to get to that point, but I'm sad to say I think it's at that point now.' Mr. Gilliard disapproved that traffic around the Square is frequently snarled by motorists gawking at nubile bikini-clad coeds. To curb the distraction, the councilman hinted that wearing particularly revealing suits might constitute indecent exposure and suggested that the College of Charleston attempt to deter its students from sunbathing in Marion Square.Many park patrons, however, disagree with Gilliard's condemnation. 'Let 'em go wild,' said one bikini-afficanado.
Hobo Junction
'If we must live in a world in which people are forced to live in cardboard boxes, then someone should at least invent a better box.' This is the creed of Icosa Village founder Sanford Ponder, who believes that his company provides that better box for diverse bums, hobos, and tramps to dwell. Icosa Village has begun marketing 'The Pod,' a geodesic structure that bears more resemblance to a Buckminster Fuller creation than to a traditional cardboard box. Composed of thin, white, triangular pieces, The Pod resembles a wig-wam and is available in three models; two cover an area of over four-hundred square feet, while one version is somewhat smaller. A Pod can be assembled in a matter of hours and boasts windows and state-of-the-art ventilation. Icosa Village bills the product as a humanitarian endeavor that can provide housing for the temporary homeless in unforeseen circumstance.
Flesh Merchants
Normally, the London Selfridges is a large department store like any other—stocked with the latest fashions, home goods, and other various purchasables. But on the last Sunday in April, different goods were on display—over 500 nudes. Recruited by the American artiste Spencer Tunick, the group of young Britons disrobed in the name of art. Tunick took photograhs of the gathering, as disrobed models draped themselves over escalators, display cases, and other parts of the store. When asked about his motivation for the performance, Tunick said that 'usually people do it [pose nude] outdoors because there is an amount of tension and vulnerability in the body that comes up against the concrete world. That tension creates a desire to be nude in a public place outside. I'm just happy that people wanted to engage in indoor space.' The Selfridges demonstration comes on the heels of Tunick's previous successful posing of one-hundred and sixty volunteers in a 'nude happening' to commemorate the grand opening of London's Saatachi Gallery. As one participant put it, 'Once you have taken all your clothes off, it's a very friendly and communal feeling.'
Take Back Vermont
The University of Vermont is currently roiled with discord on account of an 'insensitive' website programmed by student Sean Bliss. Mr. Bliss uses his site as a platform to express his disdain for virulent liberal politics and the lack of personal hygiene exhibited by many on campus. Styling himself as 'UVM's Number One Hippie Hater,' his content was a vitriolic blend of four-letter words, pro-war politics, and tirades against 'dreadlock infested fuck's [sic].' The site gained notoriety, however, when student Julian Brizzi lambasted Bliss in a column published in the Vermont Cynic. Referring to Bliss as a 'tool' and an 'asshole,' Brizzi bragged about harassing the 'Hippie Hater' by telephone and urged others to do the same. Bliss's page now features a caricature of Ms. Brizzi as a Burger King employee mindlessly chanting to the tune of 'Carol of the Bells.' The page also refers visitors to the another website that ridicules Ms. Brizzi. Administrators claim the website violates the Code of Conduct at UVM.
Lax Indians Scalp Ivy League
The Dartmouth Indians won the Ivy League Men's Lacrosse Title for just the third time in school history last week, as they beat Harvard 5-4 in front of over two-thousand fans at Scully-Fahey Field. It is the first Men's Lax title for Dartmouth since 1965. The Indians finished the regular season at 11-2 (5-1). There was a three-way tie for the title with Cornell and Princeton, so a drawing decided the League's automatic berth in the NCAA tournament. Dartmouth, winless in conference play in 2002, becomes the only school in Ivy League history to go from worst to first in a single year.
The audience at the Harvard game was boisterous and filled with school-spirit. Several confrontations with Safety and Security officers ended in arrest. At the close of the game, hundreds of fans stormed the field in jubilation.
Dartmouth will play at Syracuse (8-5) on Sunday, May 11. Gametime has not been set yet. Princeton (10-3) also made it from the Ivies. They were seeded fourth in the sixteen-team field and will host Albany (10-5) on Saturday, May 10.