Week In Review

Monday, June 2, 2003

Pan Asian Cuisine: Triple Delight

In an effort to be proactive, the Student Assembly recently hosted a 'dinner discussion' on the current budget crisis. Staged in Alumni Hall, the dinner featured mounds of free Panda House food, including General Tso's Chicken, Vegetarian Paradise, and the Triple Delight—which was force-fed to all who attended. Odetta! did not attend. There was no program for the evening—just small multi-colored index cards. Students were supposed to write down their suggestions for the direction they would like to see Dartmouth take in the future. These cards were a part of the SA 'Visions' project. The index cards will be presented to President Wright, who will examine them—as if! Attendees were offered Frisbees emblazoned with the 'Visions' logo, purchased on the SA's dime. Students may not have been enlightened, but they were certainly triply delighted by the oriental trifecta. The Student Assembly will be able to pat themselves on the back once again for another job well done.

One Pump Chump

The University of Massachusetts is considering dropping its current mascot in favor of a new 'sensitive' one. The Minuteman is the present symbol, but it has come under fire in recent years because of marketing concerns and hurt feelings. According to the athletic director at UMass, school officials worry that the present mascot, who is 'white,' 'male,' and carrying a 'firearm,' may be 'both inappropriate and limiting.' The Director also emphasized declining merchandise sales and the prospect of increasing income from a new logo as an impetus for the possible switch.

Citing focus group research, UMass is consideringGray Wolves as a possible alternative. The gray wolf used tobe indigenous to the area around UMass, but has not been present in the region since the middle of the 19th century.

UMass officials caution that the switch is just a possibility. Another animal might be substituted for the Gray Wolves, or the school might retain the Minuteman. The mascot was adopted in 1972, replacing the Redmen.

[Insert Gratuitous Sexual Innuendo Here]

Attempting to stem the a rising tide of pro-Palestinian sentiment on campus, supporters of Israel at the University of California-San Diego concocted a creative way to spread their message. As part of a large campaign called 'Got Israel?,' the students distributed condoms featuring the slogan 'Israel: It's Still Safe to Come.' The purpose of the giveaway was to educate students about democracy in Israel; as such the prophylactics were accompanied by a contrasting sexual freedom and women's rights in Israel and in neighboring Islamic countries. While the give-away was extremely popular on the UCSD campus, many members of the surrounding Jewish community were not amused, besieging the campus Hillel with angry phone calls, withdrawn donations, and stiff criticism.

Fraternity Pranks Are No Laughing Matter, Sig Ep

Carl Gieringer '03, a Sigma Phi Epsilon brother, nearly met his demise last Saturday, when he fell from a ladder in an abortive attempt to steal a flag from the porch of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity. Gieringer broke both his heel and his ankle in the spill. After coming to, he was able to drag himself to Sudikoff Hall, where he contacted medical authorities. He was in surgery for three hours; he is currently in recovery.

SAE brothers remained in shock for hours after they found out about the bungled heist. Campus Health Resources has offered to be on call 24-7 to help them get through the harrowing ordeal.

No One Saw That One Coming

The Student Assembly has tallied the votes for the new mascot [see TDR 5/8/03], and the 'Moose' has apparently triumphed with twenty-eight percent of the vote. The mascot survey was administered to the entire campus via the electronic-mail 'Blitz' system. The venerable Indian—which the SA explicitly prohibited as an option—still managed to garner second place with nineteen percent of the vote. Student Life Committee Chair Amit Anand '03 remained adamant that the Indian will not be resurrected.

Other mascot votes included the Mountaineers, Dragons, Timberwolves, Eagles, Bears, Pine Trees, and Fairies. Other students suggested the Dartmouth Greeks, to emphasize that Dartmouth has a thriving Greek system.

This summer, the Student Assembly will commission local artists to render some of the new mascots, so that undergraduates, as Mr. Anand put it, can 'visualize' the symbol. Buoyant campus enthusiasts cannot wait until Dartmouth finally has a new mascot to replace the Indian.

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