Let's Get It On

By Alston B. Ramsay | Wednesday, October 8, 2003

As the '07s continued their unending ride on the Camp Dartmouth orientation express, they stopped by Spaulding Auditorium for the umpteenth time in between placement tests in subjects they never really understood in high school and the opportunity to make their piss as clear as water for the sixth night in a row.And what better way for a newly-arrived freshman to spend an evening than attending "Sex Signals," another nonsensical lecture described in the ubiquitous orientation book?In the opinion of the administration, nothing. And, even better, to sit through an hour of bush-league acting, preaching that all men are indolent, chauvinist pigs whose world revolves around beer, sports, and sex wherever they can be found—preferably together—and incapable of uttering a complete sentence.

The first forty minutes of the program were devoted to this message.In a series of "improvised" (read: "poorly-scripted and over-acted") scenarios, a man walks into a bar—because a bar is obviously where most Dartmouth men meet their counterparts—and, mumbling about beer and sports, introduces himself to—and mounts—an unsuspecting woman, disregarding both her and the audience's pleas for him to stop.The actors admitted that the sketch wasn't entirely reflective of real life, but that in nearly all situations men were the "aggressors" (i.e. make the first move, to you and me). Therefore, they are responsible for anything that transpired.Evidently, it is also an assumed fact that any response elicited from a woman during conversation, even as simple as "Hi," can be interpreted by men as, "I want to have sex with you."The audience laughed at this until they realized that the actors weren't joking; this is how men think.The male audience shouted a few raucous cheers frustrated by a week of H Crew-imposed chastity in the woods.The presenters were quite satisfied; they proved their point.

To the actors' credit, the absence of any real talent in the skits can be blamed partly on the audience participation portion of the presentation.The male character had to work with the pick up lines given to him from the audience.Further re-enforcing his portrayed male indolence, those freshmen Casanovas served up original lines ranging from: "Suck me, beautiful" to "Hey baby, let's play pong."

Without offering any concession that some males think beyond beer and sex (though why would anyone bother with that?), the actors switched roles and the female became the aggressor.Just to show the absurdity of the notion of a woman making the first move, the female character, sporting a pair of large, plastic breasts underneath her sweater, whined to her husband about how toiling in the kitchen all day made her ready for love, then quickly straddled him and offered a threesome with a gymnast and a yoga instructor.Before climax, she leapt off and explained to the audience that the previous actions were the only qualities that all men desired in a woman.She then inexplicably, though impressively, spouted off some two dozen euphemisms for vagina — her personal preference was "cooter".

Mercifully, these awkwardly humorous skits ended when the presentation segued to discussions on date rape.In the scene, a man is accused of date raping a girl with whom he was having dinner.To make a painfully long story adequately short: the audience is told that the girl's actions dictate that she is to blame mostly for leading the man on, and the man is caught in the wrong place at the wrong time."She said 'stop,' but then she herself started things up again," was a common theme in the narration of the story.No matter.The accusation was made; the man is guilty, regardless of the facts of the case.It was with increasing discomfort that the audience was forced to stomach this fact.In the end, everyone was supposed to feel sorry for the accused, but with the understanding that the man is always to blame.Did I mention that the man is always the only guilty party in a date rape case?

Fortunately, the audience was spared the gory details of why date rape accusations against men always get pushed through to the end.A little-discussed fact (and completely absent in "Sex Signals") is that all victims in sex crime cases are assigned a "victim's advocate," who ignores their assigned role of helping a victim overcome any trauma, in favor of seeing that the accused is always found guilty, regardless of what may have actually happened.

The actors scarcely mentioned these people, and were quick to dispel the existence of false accusations by women.The program ended without a summary or concluding message.Then again, the message was spelled out repeatedly so that even the most tired, hungoverfreshmen wouldn't forget it: all men obsess over nothing more than beer, sports, and sex; they are always guilty of date rape as soon as they're accused and stand no chance in court; women, on the other hand, can do no wrong because they always play the submissive role.This message, of course, runs in direct contradiction to the preachings of Dartmouth's diversity hawks.But at least this time straight men, rather than women, were the ones being stereotyped. By the administration's standards, the presentation was an overwhelming success.

Let's Get It On

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