My Continuing Search for the Perineum

By Kevin Parkman | Monday, November 3, 2003

"The Mechanics of Female Pleasure," yet another one of those mystifying presentations advertised on innumerable posters and blitzes across campus. Students, primarily freshmen who had never seen the presentation before, read the ads and wondered, "Is that for real?" It was. And people came, either because they were ashamed about not getting it right in bed or because they were curious about the program's content, especially without being overwhelmingly graphic.

The audience was almost entirely male. Seemingly, the guys fell into two basic categories: those who were mystified and those who were worried about pleasuring their girlfriends correctly. The girls in attendance all seemed to want an operator's manual to take back to their boyfriends (Insert Tab A into Slot B. Repeat.).

A gynecologist and several interns from Dick's House led the presentation—a task unsuited for an army of one. Our leader began with numerous content warnings: Not only were we warned that much of the material was quite graphic, but that we were in a "safe zone for everybody." Thus, we had to make sure that people's comments did not get "spread around the entire campus." Additionally, we needed to bear in mind that the presentation was not specific to "self-pleasuring," or "pleasuring by a partner," and "it doesn't matter what gender that partner is. It still works the same way." I would hope so, but it is probably best to have all the bases covered.

The presentation had a distinctly junior high sex-ed feel. The first lesson was quite simple: "All women are unique, and so are all parts of her anatomy, specifically her genitalia." While this may seem inuititve, it sent the clear message that what works on one girl may not work on her sister. To get an overall idea though, we were handed large, blurry photos of a woman's vagina, complete with arrows pointing to various features. For reference, a larger, color-coded diagram was put up on the screen. "Not to worry," we were told. "This picture came from a textbook, so if it looks like anybody you know, that's just coincidence." Not to worry, we were told again, "the clitoris is not blue." Apparently, this is a point of great confusion for some. Most of the men, particularly those who had just eaten dinner, became slightly queasy, while the rest giggled like twelve-year-old girls. Even the females reacted to the blunt graphicness of the pictures. "Ew, I never realized it really looked like that," one ejaculated (har, har).

To become better acquainted with this vagina, we had to apply labels to the arrows, and many pointed to parts most did not even know existed (Perineum: that little spot between the anus and whatever you may have up front). After minutes of vain struggle, the discussion leader gave the answers. Most people eventually held a correct diagram with the assistance of the interns. A vocal majority of men in the back of the room, however, were still holding the diagrams upside-down—possibly the source of their troubles in bed.
With the frontal appearance of the vagina understood, we moved on to a diagram of the inside of the vagina. Since there's not much that can actually be seen, the discussion leader only briefly discussed a few things, such as the location of the ovaries. To the secret relief of nearly everyone in the room, she also gave a detailed explanation of the elusive g-spot, which is different than the clitoris, a common misconception we were told. For reference, "about half a finger in, on the front wall of the vagina. Use a 'come hither' type motion." Come hither, indeed.

With the physical puzzles of female pleasure cleared up, the program delved into the topic of "desire" to the disappointment of all the hormone-crazed teenagers in the room. The speaker stated that everyone has "a sexual component of their personality, whether they choose to use it or not." The goal of this sexuality is always pleasure. I tried to suggest that reproduction and procreation might also be practical goals, but that, apparently, was not the point of the presentation. At the moment, desire was—what is it, what should it be, and who defines it? We broke up into three groups to tackle each question.

Not surprisingly, the responses ranged from the irrelevent—"sometimes I really desire food"— to the pessimistically realist—"oh, desire is just a feeling you get when you're drunk"—to the inane—"it's a burning in the loins." Desire, apparently, includes eye-contact, communication, an understanding of what is going on, or sobriety, flirting, and fondling. It does not have to include respect for the other person. One Don Juan was even insightful enough to point out that "you can often have, and satisfy, desire on your own." The source of the definitions of pleasure were those that one would expect to hear: books, religion, media, experience as well as beer and "legal statutes." I sat off to the side. I was both disgusted and intrigued.

The last portion of the presentation was devoted to "sexual response cycles"—how men's and women's orgasms differ. The presenter explained that men go through four basic cycles in reaching orgasm: excitement, plateau, orgasm itself, and then resolution. After that, men are pretty much done, be it for the next twenty minutes or the evening. A chart was put of on the screen to demonstrate excitement levels through each phase. I noticed there was no time scale labeled on the graph.

The presenter then showed an astoundingly complex flow chart diagramming the phases of the female, including willingness, desire, excitement, engagement, and orgasm. Arrows on the chart demonstrated that any of these stages could either progress into the next one, or back track to the previous one at any time. Additionally, each stage can lead directly to "pleasure" or "shutdown." The men in the room studied the chart for several seconds before uttering complaints: "What the hell does that mean?" "So basically we don't have a chance of getting her off?" "Damn, that ain't fair."

I hesitantly raised my hand and asked, "So this means that an orgasm doesn't inevitably lead to pleasure for women?"

"Yes, that's right," the nurse said. "But other times they can skip these other stages and go directly to orgasm, or even have multiple orgasms."

Amid continuing male complaints of inequity on this point, the presentation drew to a close. Little explanation of the chart was offered, with even less advice on how to improve the chances of orgasm. This lack of explanation yielded an answer to the mystery of female sexuality for the men in attendance: it is all so hopelessly complicated that they are better off not worrying about it. I was too disheartened to even bother asking about ice cubes or the list of specific techniques that I had jotted down.

The parting message, however, was a bit more encouraging for everybody: "You can engage in sexual activity as frequently or as seldom as you want, whether it is with yourself, another partner, or a group of people, whatever you like.

"Most importantly, sexuality is fun! Go for it!"

Then, as a quick afterthought, "But I'm not encouraging you to have sex."

And we left, all so very confused.

My Continuing Search for the Perineum

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