Original Article: http://dartreview.com/archives/2003/11/17/week_in_review.php
Monday, November 17, 2003
War of Worlds Imminent
Leading experts at the SETI Institute in Mountain View, California, are claiming that they might discover intelligent alien life forms within 22 years. Between the distributed computing project, a $12.5 million grant, and 350 dishes with 20-foot diameters, 1000 star systems will be surveyed annually. Scientists believe that we may find intelligent machines before intelligent biological life forms.
Given that ET is sending his machines to invade, there is even greater need to accelerate SDI research.
Friends with Benefits
According to a study by the Rand Corporation, parents now have yet another way to avoid "the talk." Rather than educating their children about sex and dating or even allowing schools to do it for them, parents can now simply plop their kids down in front of the TV and let "Friends" do the work for them.
The study, which focused on a 2001 episode in which Ross discovers he is the father of Rachel's baby, asked nearly 500 teenagers questions about general and show-specific sex facts. Researchers found that many of the children were able to recall that the episode dealt with condom failure, and a majority of those who had discussed the show with their parents were able to identify the established condom effectiveness rate as being "above 95%."
Still, most children are expected to learn about sexuality in the traditional fashion: stealing pornography.
Guinea Decadence
What better way to celebrate Halloween than copulating by in a graveyard at midnight—Apparently, a group of Italian youths was hard-pressed for a better alternative.Clearly dissatisfied with the conventional Halloween festivities of dressing in costume and asking neighbors for treats, the group consisting of thirteen young adults ranging from 13 to 20 years of age?including five girls?went to a cemetery near Pescara, Italy, to experience "having sex between the graves," according to the local police.
It is uncertain whether charges will be pressed against the young adults because they did not cause any property damage.
Americans: This is Irrelevant to You
In Japan's general election on Sunday, the Liberal Democratic Party managed to retain control, and Junichiro Koizumi remains Japan's Prime Minister. The victory, however, was all but Pyrrhic.While the LDP managed to hold on to 237 of its 247 seats, the chief opposition party, the reform-minded Democratic Party of Japan, gained 40 seats, raising its total to 177. Meanwhile, a row is brewing between Mr. Koizumi and the constituents of his party. Mr. Koizumi has long been a champion of reform, advocating cutbacks on public works projects, more prudence on the part of lending banks, and a relatively tight fiscal policy.The MPs in his party, in contrast, favor inflationary monetary policy and are largely anti-reformist. Yes, Mr. Koizumi and the LDP have won another election battle, but it looks increasingly as if they might be losing the political war.
Who Would'a Thunk It?
The Commerce Department recently reported a 7.2% expansion in the nation's economy in the July to September period, the biggest gain since 1984. Consumer purchases, driven by tax cuts and a surge in home-mortgage financing accounted for 6.6% expansion. It is hard to determine the long-range effects of the surge. Some economists believe that the growth will continue to be robust and will create jobs, while others contend that normal growth (4%) will return. Although Democrats complain about the lack of jobs, N. Gregory Mankiw, Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisors notes, "About 1.5 million more people are working than would have been had the president never changed the tax code." The report served as a political boost for President Bush who had suffered unfounded criticism on the basis of a weak economy. The last economic surge occurred nineteen yeas ago, under the leadership of Ronald Reagan. Coincidence? Hardly.
Straight Outta Exodus
As if the Sudanese didn't suffer enough from the Disappearing Penis Syndrome, they are already contending with another plague.Beginning October 22 a swarm of grasshoppers descended on a town in central Sudan. The cloud of insects killed eleven and caused asthmatic breathing problems in 2000 others. Sudanese authorities credit a strange, horrible stench given off by the grasshoppers, for the casualties. Swarms of locusts and grasshoppers continue to converge on areas of northeastern Sudan, Mauritania, and Niger, and heavy rains in Sudan have caused flooding and the additional deaths of at least twenty people. The Sudanese Prime Minister could not be reached for comment, citing a marathon conference with Moses and Aaron.
Reach Out and Touch Me Twice During Dinner
AT&T, on top of its game as always, is the first company to be penalized for violating the FCC's law regarding do-not-call lists, which went into effect on October 1. The expected fine is $10,000 per call.The company made 78 calls to 29 consumers whose names are on the list, thus AT&T could be facing $780,000 in fines.The stringent action of the Federal Communications Commission is sending the message that consumer rights take priority in this matter. AT&T may think twice before it tries to reach out and touch its customers again.
Early Start to Patriarchal Violence
A thirteen-year-old Richland, Texas, boy is facing an assault charge for giving a classmate a hickey. The middle-school student has been punished with a three-day suspension, and is being charged with assault by contact, which is a class C misdemeanor that typically carries a fine of about $280. At his court hearing, the boy told the judge that he had given the girl the love-bite, but was innocent of assault. According to police reports, the boy grabbed the young woman at the end of the school day, thereby administering the "love-bite." The boy's mother attempted to keep everything in perspective: "It doesn't make sense. You have kids in Dallas schools having oral sex; this is a hickey." 1 in 3 women at Dartmouth will have unwanted hickies by the end of college.
Handcuffs, Anyone?
In the ultimate gesture of freedom of expression and political correctness, the Iowa State University Government of the Student Body renewed funding for Cuffs, a previously defunct bondage club. The club, which had dissolved last year, is looking to resume its ?meetings.?The ninety-four dollars granted by the GSB is strictly for promotional activities, and cannot be used for any equipment purchases.
Students were divided on the issue, but ultimately decided that the club ?meets the criteria [to be considered for funding],? said the Student Body president.?They're a registered student organization, and any organization can request funds from GSB.?
Duane Long, an ISU senior and president of Cuffs declared, ?Receiving the money is a triumph for diversity.?
In the early eighties, a group of interested Dartmouth students petitioned for funding of a bestiality club, but they were turned down.The ISU resolution may have provided sufficient ammunition for a re-application effort.
More Important than a Boring Primary
The results of last month's Great American Beer Festival are in, and they have yielded a series of gratifying victories for poor college students everywhere.For the second time in four years, Old Milwaukee, a subsidiary of Pabst, has been named "Best American-Style Lager." Made largely of cereal grains, such as corn and rice, and very little hops, a case can be had for about $5.99. In the American-Style Premium Lager category, where cereal grains cannot compose more than twenty-five percent of the ingredients, MGD took home a silver medal, with Budweiser pulling in the bronze.Inexplicably, Milwaukee's Best, or "Beast," and Pabst Old Style were awarded the silver and bronze medals, respectively, for "Best Tasting American Ale." The judging for this category was done very late in competition, most likely after the judges had consumed a number of beverages that retail for more than thirty-five cents per can.
Despite coming up short this year, the makers of Keystone Lite hope to compete in the Carbonated Water category next year.
Obligatory Pirate Article
For all of you sissies, who think that Disneyworld is the last bastion of pirates, keep reading.This year, the number of pirate attacks in Pacific Ocean shipping corridors has reached a twelve-year high, rising over 25 percent from last year. While some might consider piracy trivial, it potentially holds grave consequences—in the same week in July, three petroleum tankers were fired upon between Malaysia and Indonesia by shore-based pirates. Said Jayant Abhyankar of the International Marine Bureau, "That itself causes an immense concern from an environmental point of view," in addition to the potential threat to the world's oil supply. Despite these concerns, and the fact that pirate killings of captive crewmembers have tripled in the past year, very little is being done to stop piracy in the Pacific. Complained Abhyankar, "Unless they catch these guys and punish them, prosecute them, the problem is not going to go away."
Dean Tragically Confused
Howard Dean seems to be increasingly out of sorts these days.In the last several weeks, he declared himself a "square," admitted he was a "metrosexual," and then explained he doesn't even know the term's meaning.Wordspy.com defines metrosexual as "a dandyish narcissist in love with not only himself, but also his urban lifestyle." The frontrunner then directed his comments towards the Solid South of six decades previous.He said that he wants the support of "guys with Confederate flags in their pickup trucks." Next, apparently ignorant of the only four issues important to Southern voters, he urged them to stop basing votes on "race, guns, God and gays."
Meeting Joe
On October 28, Joe Lieberman opened up his Upper Valley office in Lebanon, NH.As is typical of a Democratic presidential candidate, he did not mention any of his primary competitors, instead turning his aggression solely against Bush. He started by saying that Bush lacked "integrity" because he did not follow a plan but instead catered to "special interest groups" and the "far right." He apparently didn't mean any of that, because he proceeded to say that his ideals cater to "Republicans sick of Bush." Strategically avoiding specifics, Mr. Lieberman criticized Bush's foreign policy while still claiming he "supported the war effort."
At one point, a fierce-looking man named "Bruiser," sporting long hair, donned in all leather, and checkered with "Viet Cong Hunting Club" patches, burst in the room.He loudly drew attention from the Senator's quiet murmurings on the new abortion bill. Ever the shrewd politician, Mr. Lieberman immediately switched the topic at hand to veteran's hospitals, ignoring the Vietnam veteran.