Choose Your Own (Mis)AdventureBy Daniel Linsalata | Friday, January 23, 2004 Although Dartmouth possesses more than its share of malcontent Deaniacs (with anger to match their leader), Zogby says that sixteen percent of New Hampshire voters are still undecided for the primary. As a service to those aimless souls, we present The Dartmouth Review of Democratic Presidential Wannabes. To recap the action so far, the field has dwindled to "just" seven candidates. For much of 2003, Howard Dean was the front-runner, building his success on whining about President Bush and stealing voters from Robert E. Lee, all while trying his best not to break a podium in his fits of rage. Al Sharpton, Carol Moseley Braun, and Dennis Kucinich all made for wonderful sideshow entertainment and late-night comedy fodder; Kerry, Edwards, Lieberman, Gephardt, and Clark all plodded along, making little headway against Dean. In the last two weeks, however, the pieces have begun to fall into place. Braun ended her own embarrassment by dropping out of the race, while Edwards, Clark, and Kerry all gained at the expense of Dean. Finally, on caucus night in Iowa, the Democrats showed a rare flash of intelligence, admitting to themselves that Dean lacks both the self-control and experience to be a viable candidate against George W. Bush. Kerry and Edwards both walked all over Dean, to the amazement of millions. Dean responded by growling, "Yarrrrrrrrrggghhhh" at his concession speech—really. Dick Gephardt came in fourth, well behind Kerry, and a few points back of Dean, and pulled the plug on his own half-hearted campaign. Miraculously, Kucinich motivated his hippies to hop in their bio-diesel vans and grab a whopping one percent of the vote. Here is a look at the sad-sack group of psychopaths, ne'er-do-wells, and delusional elves who still consider themselves contendahs. Wesley Clark College: West Point '66 Insight: General Wes has shown remarkable prowess to flip-flop on any issue necessary, adapting to the audience of the day. After six months on the campaign trail, he decided that he was, in fact, firmly against the invasion of Iraq (and, to some degree, the capture of Saddam Hussein). With his brilliant military record, he brings proven leadership ability, as well as an inexplicable endorsement by Stupid White Man Michael Moore. Lacking experience in the domestic realm, Clark has taken much of his platform from the "New Democrat" Clintonite right wing of the party. Initially, it would appear that he was set up to fail so that Hillary Clinton could jump in late and save the day for the Donkeys. He was, however, allowed to continue his presidential fantasy (different than Slick Willy's presidential "fantasies"), when he emerged as the only candidate with the steam to beat the unelectable Howard Dean. A Clark presidency seems palatable to many moderates, until they consider the possibility of Hillary as his running mate. Not to worry: If the Presidency does not work out, plenty of Dartmouth students will testify that Clark can eek out a living as a marginal pancake chef. Howard Dean College: Yale '61 Insight: The longtime front-runner has recently become the victim of attacks by nearly all the other candidates, and has shown an astounding capacity for saying exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time. His record on race has been nothing short of abysmal: he employed exactly zero minorities in his cabinet as Vermont governor, and last fall declared his desire to be "the candidate for guys with Confederate flags on their pick-up trucks." These comments lead to a famous protest and subsequent national media coverage when he visited Dartmouth in November. He is the only major candidate to oppose completely the war in Iraq from the outset, and even decried the capture of Saddam Hussein. Clearly, Dr. Dean, America would be better off with Saddam still in power. Dean spent much of his campaign complaining about what is wrong with America under the Bush administration, even as facts on the economy and the war turned against him. He bluntly tells voters that he wants to raise taxes across the board—always a popular move for a President. Dean has done little to define his own positions, save for declaring himself a metrosexual in Iowa because his "campaign manager said [he] would gain an extra five percentage points." Coming from the man who signed off on gay civil unions without knowing what they were, this declaration is not entirely unexpected. Perhaps the absence of a Mrs. Dean on the campaign trail should raise questions about Dean's own identity. Despite numerous high-profile endorsements from within his own party, Dean has recently shown signs of his legendary temper, telling one voter at an Iowa stump speech to "sit down and shut up...It's my turn to speak now." As President, Dr. Dean would quickly learn that such tactful diplomacy would not sit quite as well with Kim Jong Il. Recent polls indicate that Democrats are coming to their senses, and are more scared of Howard Dean than they are of George W. Bush. John Edwards College: North Carolina State '74 Insight: The senior Senator from North Carolina possesses phenomenal oratory skills and boyish good looks that are bound to call JFK to mind. In an informal survey of Dartmouth women, he was unanimously selected as the "most do-able" candidate. He is also more moderate than a number of the other candidates—sure to give him appeal to general-election-minded voters. Further adding to his popularity is his stubborn refusal to run negative ads about either the other candidates or President Bush. While this tactic is a refreshing change of pace, it cannot be sustained in a general, national election; the inevitable flip-flop is sure to place a large dent in Edwards's credibility. Despite his tolerable politics and immense popularity with the (non-voting) teenage girl set, Edwards remains one of the lowest life forms on earth: a trial lawyer. An Edwards presidency would no doubt mean a sharp increase in judicial activism and a continued upward spiral of medical insurance costs. Thanks for playing, Mr. Edwards, but unless you are sleeping with Marilyn Monroe, voters will not look past the lawyer jokes. John Kerry College: Yale '66 Insight: The less worthless of the two Massachusetts Senators, John Kerry served a decorated tour in Vietnam before entering politics. The leftist ketchup scion trailed in the polls for months before roaring back to make Dean see and taste fifty-seven varieties of red in the Iowa caucuses. Forgoing federal funding and digging deep into his own pockets, Kerry made his largest gains by aggressively attacking Howard Dean in debates and in television ads, and dropping an F-bomb in a Rolling Stone interview. How very presidential. His platform is one that only an East Coast, limousine liberal could love. He favors deferring to the U.N. and other global organizations whenever possible, and installing socialist government programs, so long as they remain optional. God forbid he actually has to buy into his own healthcare or education initiatives. Until the Iowa caucuses, Kerry had done little to distinguish himself. His initiatives are not particularly original, and, in the shadow of Clark, he cannot tout himself as "the military guy," try as he might. Kerry has managed to dance to the left to reach out to the Democratic primary voters, but will need to jitterbug back towards the center if he wants a chance come November. Dennis Kucinich College: Case Western Reserve '73 Insight: The most popular sideshow in election history, Kucinich should have dropped out of the race long ago. Driving Cleveland into bankruptcy during his first and only term as mayor immediately discredits his leadership ability. His platform is laughably leftist, so far beyond socialism that no freedom-loving American could even stomach it. The man wants to nationalize health care, slash the defense budget by one third, raise taxes, open a cabinet-level Department of Peace, immediately withdraw all troops from Iraq, and—worst of all—he publicly opposed using force in Afghanistan following the September 11th terrorist attacks. Furthermore, he wants to withdraw from all trade agreements and enter into numerous environmental treaties. He somehow believes that being a citizen of the world means severing economic ties while maintaining open relations otherwise. Endorsements of note for Kucinich include both Ben and Jerry (of ice cream fame), as well as "Grandfather Twilight," a fictional cartoon duck. Kucinich is a vegan, a practice he claims helps him get in touch spiritually with animals. One of the focuses of his campaign has been the elimination of "space-based mind-control weapons." I could go on, but I'm laughing too hard.
College: Yale '64 Insight: Get with the program, Joe! Centrists don't vote in primaries, and all the coffee you can drink at Dirt Cowboy is not going to change that. An unabashedly moderate candidate, Lieberman has shown little interest in becoming President, and has been unable to garner the media following to make a legitimate run at the nomination. Notorious for jumping party lines like an eight-year-old girl skipping rope, Lieberman barely falls within the realm of "Democrat" and has run largely on name recognition. Supportive of military operations and spending, Lieberman receives little credit outside the right wing of his party, and has accordingly failed to garner any endorsements as significant as those of Michael Moore or Grandfather Twilight. Although Lieberman is one of the few candidates whom conservatives could tolerate, and by extension, could have a realistic shot of winning in November, Democrats are too busy listening to Dean's "Evict 'Resident' Bush" ranting to pay attention to Lieberman. He will return to his post as one of the most prominent members of the Senate, and will continue building his résumé in service to our country. Except on Saturdays, of course. Al Sharpton College: Brooklyn College, "Attended" Insight: A perennial sideshow, Sharpton has run for (and failed to win) public office no fewer than five times in the last decade. To his credit, the man is certainly determined. Delusional, but determined. Best remembered for his track-suit wearing days when he would travel the country inciting race riots, the Reverend has provided much-needed comic relief to an otherwise mind-numbing campaign process, if nothing else. Actually, he has not provided anything else. Sharpton receives less respect from his only constituent base (urban blacks in New York) than even the loathsome Jesse Jackson. Much like Jackson, Sharpton remains a shady, undefined character. It is not readily apparent where he is a reverend. Sharpton has not even bothered to state public positions on the most fundamental issues, such as health care, tax reform, national security, or international policy. This closed-mouth approach has prevented Sharpton from further embarrassing himself and his party, while his pointed tirades about civil rights have slowly eroded Dean's credibility. While there is little doubt that the country would go straight to hell under a Sharpton presidency, his willingness to admit that he is not, and never was, a viable candidate is refreshing. Dennis Kucinich could stand to take a page out of his book. Sharpton at least has the sense to realize that unwashed hippies and a handful of furry woodland creatures do not constitute a support base. The best thing that can be said about Sharpton is that he gave a mediocre performance as a host of Saturday Night Live, and for this reason is a great candidate. |
Article ToolsRelated Articles· Fitz and Schul Defeat Sobriety and Bad Cinema · Fitz and Schul Defeat Sobriety and Bad Cinema: The Story of F. Scott Fitzgerald at Winter Carnival · Wright to Step Down in June 2009 · Winter Carnival: The History
Advertisement  Advertisement |
|
|
Copyright © 1996-2008 The Dartmouth Review |
||