Michael Moore: Hoagie-Fueled Claptrap

By Kale Bongers | Friday, January 23, 2004

Amidst a throng of skirling leftist worshippers, one-time Oscar-winner and full-time jackass Michael Moore came to the College on January 17th to endorse Wesley Clark for President. The endorsement was an attempt to bolster Clark's appeal among ignorant activists. It was difficult to tell if he succeeded, since it proved hard to get anything of substance from Moore. I couldn't tell if he was actually endorsing Clark or just endorsing the Democratic candidates. In the end, it didn't matter.

Moore began on a self-deprecatory note, characterizing himself a "slacker" and a "loser." He might have also mentioned that he is grossly overweight. He then tried to get in touch with the large Dartmouth audience by asking if the second semester had started yet. On being told the College had year-round quarters, he responded, "Quarters—there's like four of them, right?" What a delicious bon mot!

The lunacy quickly began. Moore admitted that he admired conservatives "for courage of convictions," but he was quick to note that they were "up at six in the morning to figure out who [sic] they're going to screw today." He lauded modern liberalism, or, as he referred to it, "our side," "the majority," and "the mainstream." He said that endorsing a Democratic candidate was new for him. See, the Democratic Party was too similar to the Republican Party, the "pleather" to the Republican "leather." Zing!

Moore enjoyed Republican-bashing, claiming that conservatives were the "sound of a dying dinosaur" and noting that "they didn't win [the White House]." Uh, yes, they did. He desired a Democratic victory this November, claiming that should the Democrats lose, the country "will be in serious shape for decades."

Returning to his endorsement of Clark, he said he would love to see a Clark-Bush debate, or as he called it, "the general versus the deserter," ignoring, as usual, the facts. Moore added that Clark would not lob sweetheart deals to Halliburton. (He must not have known that Halliburton's deals were competitively bid-upon, that they made little profit on Iraq, and that such deals had started with the Clinton administration.) Moore continued by praising Clark's tax plan, while proving his general ignorance of basic economics. The rich "need to have it socked to them," he said. Moore had an "intuition" that Clark could beat Bush, noting, "He's our best hope" and "I trust him." That's reassuring.

Opening the forum to questions, Moore continued to display his breathtaking ignorance of basic history. He said the numerous factual errors and outright lies in his 'documentary' Bowling for Columbine were nothing more than "right-wing lies." He said that the "Cold War ended without a shot being fired." I suspect he forgot the blood spilled in places like Korea, Vietnam, Afghanistan, Romania, and Czechoslovakia.

Finally, in an even stranger sequence of thoughts given his virulent opposition to the Iraq war, Moore said that occasionally "we can join other countries" to fight "for the good of the world." Using the example of Kosovo (which was not sponsored by the United Nations and actually included fewer nations than the Coalition of the Willing now in Iraq), Moore praised Wesley Clark for using the threat of ground troops instead of just bombing. Moore ironically added that when ground troops are sent in, "the chances of killing civilians are minimal."

Moore closed with a delightful message to his audience: "Thanks for fighting the good fight." Many people cheered wildly. He was the toast of the town, at least among those members of the audience charmed by his loopy ramblings, rapier wit, and considerable girth. For those of us who desired something more than hoagie-fueled claptrap, the endorsement fell flat (and fat).

Michael Moore: Hoagie-Fueled Claptrap

Article Tools

Related Articles