P. J. O'Rourke: Winners Have Air Forces

By Scott Glabe | Friday, January 23, 2004

"Winners don't need to hijack airplanes; winners have an air force," claimed noted author, journalist, and political humorist P.J. O'Rourke while delivering the Brooks Family Lecture on January 8 at Dartmouth. The right-leaning contrarian, who now writes for The Atlantic Monthly after a stint at Rolling Stone, wasn't always so curmudgeonly or conservative.

During his years at the University of Miami (Ohio) in the touchy-feely 1960s, O'Rourke was an avowed Communist. "I chose the lifestyle, and the politics came with it," O'Rourke recalled. At one point during his rebellious college years, the future humorist was confronted by his conservative grandmother, who worried he was becoming a Democrat. After O'Rourke exploded into an explanation of his Communist creed, his grandmother responded, "Well, okay, just as long as you're not a Democrat." The appeal of Communism diminished after O'Rourke's first encounter with the welfare state. Upon seeing his first paycheck halved by taxes and other expenses, he realized that "we already had Communism."

O'Rourke began his lecture, sponsored by the Rockefeller Center, by thanking Dartmouth for, of all things, his house. The journalist first rose to prominence as the editor-in-chief of the humor magazine The National Lampoon. Upon asking for a raise, O'Rourke was offered then-worthless stock options. However, the 1974 release of Animal House —written by Chris Miller '64 and based on Dartmouth's own Alpha Delta—spurred a momentary spike in stock prices. Realizing the company was nearly worthless, O'Rourke immediately sold his shares and made a down payment with the profits.

Although P.J. O'Rourke is a very funny man, his lecture primarily concerned the very serious business of understanding the war in Iraq, which he covered from Kuwait. Criticizing the assuredness of both war supporters and opponents, O'Rourke has learned through personal experience that there is no moral certainty in Iraq. Indeed, O'Rourke, a libertarian who associates with what he calls the Republican "tendency," is far from a partisan. The humorist criticized what he saw as the Bush administration's opportunism as well as specific policies like the No Child Left Behind Act. With respect to the war, O'Rourke noted that no weapons of mass destruction have been found in Iraq and called the President's claim of a connection between Iraq and al-Qaeda "bogus."

Equally critical of opposition beliefs about war, O'Rourke rejected the hypothesis that Operation Iraqi Freedom was about oil. After witnessing the vastness of the U.S. military encampment in the desert, he concluded that "it's cheaper to buy oil than to steal it." O'Rourke was particularly harsh on contenders for the Democratic presidential nomination. He noted that there is a "technical political science term" for Massachusetts Senator John Kerry's claim that his pro-war vote indicated only that he supported the tactic of threatening war: "bullshit." On Howard Dean's call for winning a "Cold War on Terror" by showing our opponents a "better ideal," O'Rourke remarked, "It's like, 'You're religious fundamentalists? We're religious fundamentalists! How 'bout those Salem Witch Trials!'" O'Rourke noted that "Do What We Did in Kosovo" is a central plank in the platform of retired General and former NATO Supreme Allied Commander Wesley Clark. In the case of Iraq, this would have meant "arriving six months late and bombing the country next door." As for other candidates who claim that the "stable Iraq" of days of yore was better than losing the "peace," O'Rourke said that "stability" meant a decade long-war with Iran, invasion of Kuwait, and gassing of the Kurds.

Reflecting on the Democrats' insistence that the war in Iraq should have been conducted through the United Nations, O'Rourke was critical of the European nations who withheld support in the Security Council. Referring to the particularly virulent strain of opposition from France, the humorist recalled Gallic gaffes throughout recent history and noted that "the moral compass needs a butt end."

O'Rourke felt that both sides have overlooked the central issue of the war in Iraq. While he sometimes questioned the justification for and timing of the operation, he supported ousting Saddam for one simple reason: the former Iraqi dictator imposed fascism on his people. Most totalitarian regimes have an ideological justification for their oppression, unconvincing though it may be. Communists, for example, hope to send "new golf clubs to Africa." Fascism, meanwhile, is "power for power's sake, the closest thing to pure human evil." O'Rourke claimed that decades of self-serving power-hoarding was justification enough for us to give Saddam "a lifetime achievement award for evil."

O'Rourke blamed fascism and the damage it has inflicted on the collective Iraqi psyche for the chaos of reconstructing the country. Recalling the purposeless rioting that accompanied the arrival of a food convoy, as well as the senseless looting of the Iraqi National Museum—violence rooted not in anger but in habit—he noted that "the purpose of fascism is to turn people into a mob." Since "it takes a totalitarian system to keep a mob in line," the travails of rebuilding cannot be blamed on a lack of planning by the United States, but rather on the inability of a democracy to control a mob.

Although the removal of Saddam has unleashed a torrent of chaos, O'Rourke saw hope for Iraq's future in the country next door. While still a monarchy, Kuwait is highly Westernized—O'Rourke recalled meeting a Bedouin who had three sons in American medical schools—and as a result of the economic freedom Kuwaitis enjoy, the country is so wealthy that DeBeers diamonds are sold in mall kiosks and the "BMW 7-series is the Dodge Neon of Kuwait." Also important to O'Rourke, Kuwaitis have a sense of humor. Upon wandering into a perfume shop the day after it had been looted by Iraqi soldiers during the Persian Gulf War, O'Rourke was greeted by the shop owner surveying his ravaged store. "Special price," said the proprietor, gesturing at a soggy heap of glass.

Ultimately it is up to the Iraqis to embrace economic and political liberty. While wandering around the slums of Baghdad, O'Rourke wondered why the people didn't take it upon themselves to clean the place up. Exterminating the pungent odor of fascism will take time, and O'Rourke sees promising signs. After engaging in a protracted bartering process, the humorist purchased a coveted case of beer on the street in a complex, multi-currency deal. It turned out that O'Rourke had been negotiated up from $48 to $54 and change. Adding insult to injury, the beer was non-alcoholic. If political freedom follows economic freedom, this display of unbridled capitalism indicates that Iraq is on the right track.

P. J. O'Rourke: Winners Have Air Forces

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