Original Article: http://dartreview.com/archives/2004/01/23/week_in_review.php
Friday, January 23, 2004
Das Boot und Rally in Dem Bierjungbrunnen
Beer is no longer detrimental to your health, or will not be by the end of the year, if the German Brewery Neuzeller Kloster gets their product approved. Their new "Anti-Aging-Bier" contains a number of added ingredients that promote good health and are designed to slow the aging process. A law dating from 1516, however, mandates that beer brewed in Germany contain only water, hops, yeast and barley. Authorities have so far found the claim of a Neuzeller Kloster representative that "It tastes like beer more than it tastes like anything else" unconvincing, though the tactic apparently worked for the folks at Keystone Light.
Darwinism in Action I
Fun turned fatal when a shot fired by one Tyler Thomas from a 20 gauge shotgun during target practice hit an ammunition box full of dynamite, causing an explosion heard and felt from three miles away. Marshall McLeod, standing in close proximity to the box, was critically injured from the explosion and later died at a local hospital. No word yet on why the teens were shooting at a box of dynamite, but the gene pool will be none the worse for it.
Darwinism in Action II
Inspired by the geniuses at the MTV reality show Jackass, Bobbi MacKinnon, 16, and company tied a rope to a merry go round playground ride with the other end attached to a pickup truck. According to the plan, when the truck accelerated, the winded rope would then unwind quickly, spinning the ride. Newton's Second Law of Motion, centripetal force, however, ruined the fun, when MacKinnon was thrown seventy five feet through the air to her death on a nearby street. Her family blames the producers of Jackass. Friend Andrew Royster explains, "I see the little thing on the TV show...'Don't try this at home.' Yeah right... I mean if they can do it, we can do it." Apparently not, Andy. Snap!
"When the Eagles are Silent, the Parrots Begin to Jabber"
Charlie, the parrot once owned by Winston Churchill, turned 104 years old this week. Born in the late ninetheenth century, having resided with the owner of a pet store for the thirty nine years since the death of the former Prime Minister, the bird continues to chirp, "Fuck Hitler" and "Fuck the Nazis." His handlers, however, insist that, despite appearances, Charlie never knew Eva Braun.
Short on Top, Long on Vulgarity
Contrary to popular belief, not every night is Mullet Night in Manchester. The Monarchs, who boast the highest attendance in minor league hockey, gave away over 5,000 wigs of different colors to their fans at the first annual Mullet Night last year, and will celebrate Mullet Night II on March 12.
The Heart is a Lonely Husker
Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers has filed over a dozen amendments to a proposed amendment to the state constitution protecting the right to hunt, trap, and fish in Nebraska. If passed by the legislature, his proposals securing the right to hunt Martians, Big Foot, and Osama bin Laden would appear on the November ballot for voter approval.
A Handy Excuse
Bindu Bahadur, a resident of South Delhi, turned hostile witness and claimed her husband was innocent during court proceedings against him for grievous hurt with a dangerous weapon. Buddhi was acquitted of the charges after his wife stated that she was the person responsible for severing her hand with an axe. She reported her husband agreed with her decision to do so after she had supposedly been bitten by a snake and had received a "divine message" from God to stop the flow of venom by cutting off her hand, with the assurance that the severed appendage would rejoin later. By God, of course, she meant her husband, and by the flow of venom, she meant her running mouth.
$4,000 is a Terrible Thing to Waste
This week freshmen taking English 5 were happy to hear that Freshmen Seminar options next term are as "diverse" as ever. The classes, meant to be "an opportunity to participate in a course structured around independent research, small group discussion, and intensive writing," are predictably based around the concepts of race and gender, with English classes entitled "Constructions of Race and Sexuality in the New Negro Movement" and "Challenging the Color Line." These classes, among others, promise students a multitude of perspectives, as they focus on the "construction of racial identity" and "discover what it means to be a member of racial or ethnic minority in the United States." Aside from usual suspects such as the Women and Gender and Jewish Studies departments, History, and even Geography are slated to offer courses in gender and diversity next term.
Sunken Treasure
As though the loss of a Russian nuclear submarine in the Barents Sea last year were not enough, the Russian army has been called to assist in salvaging 10 tons of beer from underneath the frozen Irtysh River in Siberia. The truck carrying the beer fell broke through the ice and sank while it was trying to cross the frozen river. So far, a rescue team of 6 divers, 10 workers, and a modified T-72 tank has been unsuccessful at retrieving the load. Temperatures in the region have been around minus 17 degrees Fahrenheit over the past week, but the soldiers are confident that they will need only one more day to save the beer.
Landslide Lyndon
Volunteers for the presidential campaign of neofascist turned leftwing populist Lyndon LaRouche made their first appearance on campus this week, disrupting English 5 classes to disburse a pamphlet entitled "Children of Satan II: The Beast-Men." The screed, weighing in at 48 pages, claims that Vice President Dick Cheney "belongs to the same psychopathological stereotype which history traces back to the ancient Phrygian Dionysus from whom the models of the Spanish Grand Inquisitor and the French Jacobin Terror are traced by the leading intellectual founder of all modern fascist movements." But Deaniacs, before like rats on a sinking ship, you ditch your flagging candidate for this partisan siren song, know that LaRouche saves a barb or two for the former Democratic frontrunner. Charging that the former Vermont governor is backed by "Dope Czar Soros," he claims that "Howard Dean is one of the Democratic assets Soros seems to be acquiring." Despite the disruption of the learning process, however, the freshmen by and large considered the literature, lacking as it did any reference to the inequity of white Band-Aids, a breath of fresh air compared to the usual ideological tripe on the English 5 reading list.
Yeeaah!
The Young Democrats hosted an event in Rocky 1 on January 20 "to jeer at President Bush while he stumbles through his last State of the Union address." Even the most partisan among them, however, must admit that the presidential pronunciation of "nucular" could not compare for laughs with the campaign ruining primal scream bellowed by eclipsed Democratic frontrunner Howard Dean following his handy defeat the Iowa caucuses January 19.
Justice for Sale
Alcatraz, the Tower of London, and the Bastille now have competition on the list of the most notorious prisons in the world. Wal-Mart, fielding 1.2 million employees spread over 4,500 retail shops, is now being accused of jailing employees overnight in some of its stores. The New York Times reported many cases filed by Wal-Mart employees complaining that they were locked in the store overnight if they were injured, sick, or if the weather was bad. One employee, Michael Rodriguez, had to wait for nearly an hour after falling machinery pinned him to the floor because his superiors could not find the key to open the front doors. Wal-Mart claims to lock employees only in stores located in areas of high crime or where theft by employees is commonplace, to keep thieves out, or, as some say, to keep stealing employees in. The policy is apparently based on the manifest truth that the only thing worse than working in a Wal-Mart is being locked in a Wal-Mart with no way out.
Sicut et nos Debitoribus Nostris
Tennessee gambling opponents have introduced to the state legislature a bill proposing a printed warning about the dangers and addictive nature of gambling on each lottery ticket. The warning, similar to those on packages of cigarettes, would include the phone number for Gamblers Anonymous. Most psychologists acknowledge that gambling problems related to lotteries are extremely rare, and doubt the measure would be truly effective. State Senator Steve Cohen expressed his skepticism, suggesting that warnings be printed on credit cards, saying, "shopping can be addictive." The good people of the Manshantucket Pequot tribe, however, are the first to benefit from the new party pooping trend in Tennessee. Upon hearing of the proposed legislation, The Review decided to scrap its more ambitious plans for riverboat gambling in Memphis, and opted instead to indulge its vices at the Foxwoods Resort Casino in Ledyard, Connecticut, at the end of the term.
A Shout Out to Gout
Health authorities report that gout, an incurable condition usually associated with diets lacking in fruit and vegetables in Georgian England, is making a comeback. Stemming from a build up of uric acid in the human system and an inefficient cleansing job from the kidneys, gout can cause discomfort and pain and is sometimes hereditary. Some have attributed to the recent rise in cases to the popularity of the Atkins diet, but gout is also creeping up on young women who in an attempt to 'keep up with the boys' are acquiring their unhealthy lifestles. Still, it seems gout is a small price to pay for junk food and binge drinking.