A Second Opinion for Dr. Dean

By Akar Bharadvaj | Saturday, February 7, 2004

The Howard Dean "victory" celebration, held in Southern New Hampshire University on the 27th of January, was a rather joyous event, despite Dean's second-rate showing in the New Hampshire primary. Just a few weeks ago, Dean seemed poised to seize the nomination; that he could not even take his neighboring state did not diminish the exuberance of the wild crowd of Deaniacs.

Dean-supporters did not seem to be surprised that Dean was blown out of the water by John Kerry. Paul Stokes, the president of the Service Employees International Union (international because they have a couple branches in Canada), noted "I am not surprised, but disappointed." Why did Dean face such trouble? "Not everyone goes to Dartmouth. Not everyone knows the issues," he responded I think he might have been trying to flatter me.

But at least Stokes' answer was original. Most Deaniacs, when asked about Dean's fall, just launched into the tired set-piece Dean's been preaching lately: the Gospel According to Howard. "Dean is losing because he was the front-runner, and the media gave him too high expectations. He's had bad luck and negative spin, and Kerry's had good luck and positive spin." When pressed for the specifics, the typical answer was a mumbled dissembling or simply a slack jaw. And the future primaries? They spouted beauties like, "South Carolina is not a big focus."

Adam S. Wilcox, from the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees, styled Dean as the "godsend to the Democratic Party and to politics in general." He also weighed in on Dean's infamous outburst in Iowa: it was misinterpreted and "very overblown by the media." "The cameras don't show how loud the audience was," he continued, "he was just trying to shout over the audience."

When asked about the future of Dean's drive for the White House, the crowd was in denial. Wilcox clung to a scrap of hope: "He has a very good chance." "He has a message that should catch on nationwide," said Paul Stokes. Katie Meuhlenkamp, a student volunteer, still expects a "big battle," despite the New Hampshire rout. She continued, "Dean will not lose because he will talk more about the issues, and Dean is better on the issues." Then, in a touching emotional torrent, she added, "Dean will not lose, because... the People believe in Dean." I nearly burst into tears.

After questioning several people from various demographics and hearing the word "grassroots" roughly nine-hundred and seventy-eight times, I grew weary and decided to move on to the more "interesting" Dean-supporters.

On the top of the bleachers slumped what appeared to be a cartoonish effigy of the good doctor. Drawing closer, I realized that it concealed a man. Close by, another hawked comical merchandise. "They're called Deanie-Babies!" he shrieked, displaying little bean bags with the poorly-rendered caricatures of Dean scribbled on them. They came in several varieties: "the Classic" (in a suit), "the Doctor" (in scrubs), and "the Iowa Edition" (hugging corn). To the disappointment of local Dean aficionados, a New Hampshire Edition did not exist.

But there was more. "Political merchandise," said Deanie-Baby Co-Founder Rob Davis, "is usually pretty crappy." His commodities were pretty good evidence of that, but he was all uppity. He summarily dismissed the entire Bobble-Head industry as "Made in China." I thought his faux pas a little off-putting, but he redeemed himself by caring about the environment. He packs his toys with organic soybeans.

Esteemed Presidential Candidate Chris P. Carrot was close by the Deanie-Baby groupies. The eight-foot tall foam vegetable is running on the PETA ticket. Upon hearing that I was a reporter from the Review, he assured me that Conservatives can be vegans too, and handed me a flier. The flier discussed in detail "feces-encrusted cages" and "painful mutilation of fully conscious animals."

I facetiously warned him to steer clear of the Easter Bunny and departed to observe a rather sad middle-aged man wrapped up in black piping and an enormous sign that indicated he was the "Drain Man." Apparently, his shtick is to dump a lacrosse ball emblazoned with the word "environment" down his pipeline. He intended his performance art to symbolize that, under Bush, the environment is going down the drain. Get it? He mixed it up for the "victory" party, however. Each ball was adorned with the name of a Bush staff member. Apparently, Karl Rove and Donald Rumsfeld are "going down the drain"—along with the environment.

Finally, Dean was about to speak, and the natives were restless. After the wild yelps and chants of "Dean, Dean!" died down, I listened to a plastic, composed Dean prattle about Bush's evil tendencies and desire to bathe in Iraqi oil. He continued, but there was no ferocity, as in Iowa. This was a new Dean, wiser and soberer for his losses. This was a man that knew his final fate, and tried to hide it by not mentioning his loss even once.

A Second Opinion for Dr. Dean

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