Week in ReviewIn Memoriam This past week, Orton Hicks, Jr. '49, Tu '50, Adv. '56, passed away. Mr. Hicks found fame as the founder of the Aires a capella group, neé the Injunaires, in active observance of Dartmouth's Indian tradition. A long-time resident of Woodstock, VT, Mr. Hicks reveled in the frequent personal concerts that he received from the Injunaires. In the words of current Aires director Cal Liske '04, Mr. Hicks was "a kind man who was grateful for what Dartmouth had given him."
Former Democratic presidential primary frontrunner Howard Dean dropped by an eighth grade science class in La Crosse, Wisconsin this week and managed to revolt the kids with a lecture on the safety of drinking toilet water, informing students that it would be a much cleaner option than drinking untreated water from the Mississippi. Dean was quick to clarify, stating "I do not recommend drinking urine but if you drink water straight from the river, you have a greater chance of getting in infection than you do if you drink urine." He added that he eats pieces of s**t like George Bush for breakfast. Dartmouth professor of English and chair of the creative writing program at Dartmouth Cynthia Huntington has been tapped to become the new poet laureate for New Hampshire on March 22nd. Succeeding Marie Harris of Barrington, Huntington's five-year position is more honorary than functional, and does not include a salary. According to Huntington, "Poetry is one of the last non-comodifiable resources," and "exists outside our market economy." Which means that nobody buys her books.
Those of you reading the Times of London recently might have noticed a familiar name in a byline, as Dartmouth President James Wright took to its pages to discuss reform of British universities along the lines of Dartmouth and the Ivy League. Although Wright found time to tout our financial aid program and liberal arts base with an emphasis on "the creation of new knowledge," the crowning jewel of the piece instead discussed, of course, the commitment of the College to minority students. Wright noted that the College was originally founded in part to educate Indian youths. He proudly added, "This is an obligation we take seriously, and we have broadened our mandate to include the whole range of the population." For British readers of the Review, the Ivy League is the elite group of northeastern universities at which Jim Wright did not study.
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton recently added another credential to her potential 2008 presidential candidate resume. Clinton made Men's Journal magazine's "25 Toughest Guys in America" list, released in the March issue. At No. 25, she was unable to beat out the likes of No. 23 rapper 50 Cent and No. 7 Mel Gibson. Leading all of the "tough guys" in America was Green Bay Packer quarterback, Brett Favre. Clinton is the first woman ever to make this list. This honor proves what everyone already knew about her relationship with Bill: She definitely wears the pants. Harvard will soon become the first Ivy League school to recognize a student publication showcasing nude pictures of undergraduates. Fourteen of sixteen members of the Committee on College Life approved the idea, borrowed from Erotica at Vassar College. The magazine, tentatively named H Bomb, could hit the press as soon as commencement in May, and whether or not the college decides to fund it, promises to be the most offensive Ivy publication since The Dartmouth Review.
The clear and present environmental danger of cremation has caused a Swedish company to look for alternative ways of disposing of the deceased. They start the process by flash-freezing the corpse to -18C. The body is then dumped into a tub of liquid nitrogen and lowered to -196C. After the body is turned into a glass mannequin, it is pummeled by sound waves until it is reduced to a pile of powdered person. The resulting product is the same as that of cremation, but without the emissions of burning the body. The implications of the procedure for the other environmental scourge of Swedish catfarts are yet to be explored.
For those who find Campus Cupid too hands on, preferring instead to experience passionate romance vicariously, the newly founded Dartmouth Romance Novel Club is just the ticket. Tagged as the organization for those who believe the works of Danielle Steele and other supermarket paper wasters should pass for legitimate literature, the club looks to provide a forum for those who wish to reveal their fondness for such drivel without public embarrassment. In short, therefore, the reading list is only one Toni Morrison title short of English credit.
A veterinarian from a rural area of southwest Sweden spent three days in the hospital this week. The man was poisoned when he went to inspect a cottage filled with twenty cats, which had been locked there for over a month. The resultant feline feces had created toxic amounts of hydrogen sulfide in the cramped space of the cottage. What a pussy.
A thirteen year-old schoolboy in Nigeria had his eyes plucked out by four grown men for use in a witchcraft ritual. The men face several charges, which range from criminal conspiracy to grievous bodily harm and permanent disfigurement for the attack on the boy. Police believe that the attack was sanctioned by one of the defendents to make a charm that can "make people invisible." If found guilty, the defendents could have their own eyes removed under the Islamic code of Sharia.
Science has given confirmation to the opinions of men everywhere: The best way to cure a friend's depression after he's been dumped, failed a class, or inadvertantly killed his girlfriend's cat, is to take him out for a beer. Fully one in four men, the Australian survey found, buy into this conception. Additionally, the survey confirmed the merits of this method of beating depression; it was ninety-one percent effective in preventing depression-related suicides. To reiterate the maxim that Dartmouth students have known for years, the absolute best way to beat winter-time depression is by drinking.
Think all those froofy Disney World rides are safe for the kiddies? Think again. Javier Cruz of Orlando, Florida was recently run down by an errant float on the ever-popular Splash Mountain ride. Fortunately, spokesmen for the theme park were unclear whether any spectators had witnessed the tragedy. This was the most embarrasing moment for Disney World since Kobe Bryant rode the LogJammer.
The British are at it again with a reincarnation of "The Batchelor" dating show—featuring a lonely man trying to select a wife from a group of twelve demure birds. Besides the harsh Welsh accents and lame English humor, this "mini-series" differs from its American counterpart in its size and scope, literally. The contestants, including the four-foot, five-inch self-styled playa' himself, Glen Foster, are all short-standing dwarves on Fox's new reality series "The Littlest Groom." This Lolly-Pop Land of sorts is presided over by buxom British beauty Dani Behr, who will pit the miniature lovebirds against each other as a "Snow White"-like figure. Viewers will follow Foster as he eliminates potential brides to make a "shortlist" of five. Foster will then be forced to choose the woman he is most compatible with, perhaps based on size and reach, and marry her. Fox is already receiving quite a few low blows on the hysterical new project, which some find offensive, degrading, and of low stature.
Fifth grader Robert Will Harris was recently put on display for a science lesson on genetics in a fourth grade class in Rice, Texas. Stricken with Stahl's Ear, which causes points to form on the ear, Harris claimed that teachers pulled him from class to teach a lesson on genetics and familial traits. While officials with the Rice school verified the incident, they claimed that there was no harm done. While Harris is more vexed that his ears were used to teach a lesson to the "dirty fourth graders," his parents have pulled him from any further appearances.
What's the best way to ruin a Babtist mother of three's night off? Charge her for being a "smut merchant." For Joanne Webb of Burleson, Texas, this nightmare is becoming reality; she's facing up to a year in prison and a $4,000 dollar fine for violating Texas obscentity laws. Poor Ms. Webb is a representative of Passion Parties, a business that promotes sexual toys at parties resembling Tupperware get-togethers. Interested individuals met at various locales for what was described as a "girl's night out of giggles and fun." Fun, indeed, for the agenda consisted almost entirely of "vibrators, edible creams, and racy lingerie." Unfortunately, Ms. Webb violated the law when she described a vibrator's "actual role in sex." Texas law allows such items to be sold only for "novelty."
Using a new technique known as polymerase chain reaction (PCR), which can detect human immunodeficiency virus two weeks earlier than the standard test, healthworkers in North Carolina have identified the first ever HIV outbreak among college students. The afflicted students attend 37 different institutions of higher learning, 33 of them in North Carolina alone, which are predominantly black, leading to predictable concerns in some quarters of medical discrimination. Interestingly, 84 of the students in question would have tested negative with the standard test, leading some among them to thank their good fortunes for two more weeks of screwing around. |
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