You Paid For It: College Excess

By Daniel Balserak | Monday, September 20, 2004

One pattern incoming freshmen will gradually notice here at Dartmouth is the administration's penchant for throwing silly events and buying its students things. This past summer, in a moment of beautiful irony for anyone who knows his College history, Zeta Psi graciously claimed the prize of a $1699 52" widescreen high-definition RCA television for winning the Pan-Hell Olympics—a silly event (albeit, for charity) where the College bought its students something.

Though a sizeable portion of the Greek houses and even an independent team had originally signed up to compete, only Zete, Sig Ep, and four sororities showed up to Webster Avenue on the day of the competition. Events included the ever-classic spin-till-you're-dizzy-and-run-somewhere race, a lip-synching contest, and a boat race (i.e., chug-off, to you uninitiated freshmen). Sig Ep came in fourth in the boat race—with ginger ale—finishing behind Zete and the party-happy girls of KDE and Sigma Delt. When contestants noted that KDE sisters were slotted to judge the lip-synching competition, concerns were raised about impartiality, and three Chi Gam brothers agreed to step in; shrewdly taking back the advantage, KDE's performance degenerated into a soft-core striptease and lap dance in Chi Gam's pool. Sig Ep beat the outnumbered Zetes in the tug-of-war after being assured by a KDE sister that if they won, they could "have any KDE you want," but alas, it was not enough. Zete now has one of the nicest TVs in Hanover, courtesy of you and me and everyone else.

Although the prize was more extravagant than usual, this sort of financial excess is fairly commonplace. Even we here at the Review have grown tired of complaining about the absurdities funded by the Student Life Initiative, which built FUEL and this coming year will probably bring back The Regurgitator and several lewd dance troupes. Conservatives are generally loath to let other people make decisions with their money. But once in a while, you win a gigantic TV, and it's hard to be upset anymore.

Is it time to say, if you can't beat them, join them? Well, joining them would be going a bit too far, but as long as Dartmouth is running a raffle with our tuition money, we might as well go pick up our tickets. In the name of providing alternative social options, the College runs an astonishing number of bizarre events and contests, most of which are simply stupid, but some of which can be enjoyable in a roundabout way (that is, while intoxicated). And, when your DBA is already $200 negative, Collis Commongrounds will do something like serve free corn dogs and snow cones at 1 a.m.

In fact, who knows—you might actually enjoy their late-night bashes and zany performers. Just know that you don't have to do what the administration wants you to do. College, of course, is a time when kids who have been cooped-up with Mom and Dad for eighteen years can finally spread their proverbial wings and feel independent. But for all the College's talk about how important it is for students to have a choice about their social lives, that is the last thing they want. Jim and Susan Wright are your new parents; call Dean of the College James Larimore and Dean Marty Redman your crazy uncles. While they carefully guide you through four years of safe and structured social options, they wring their hands in fear of you cutting your lip on a can of Keystone Light.

So, since the administration treats us like children, it is best to treat them the way college-age kids treat their parents. When we must, we endure the occasional lecture about how concerned they are about our drinking habits, and though we may not take it entirely to heart, we tell ourselves we won't spill any more wine on our laptops. We listen as they suggest other ways to have fun—oxygen bar, anybody?—and we kindly decline. But once in a while, they get something right—or at least come close. They give us free admission to sporting events, or they serve thirty different desserts at Food Court on Mardi Gras. To make them feel better about themselves, we indulge them.

All of this inept and inane programming is easy to mock, and usually easy to dismiss as harmless. Did anyone ever really expect a bunch of stodgy adults to be able to satisfy the social desires of a horde of thirsty college students? As many '08s have probably noticed already, it is no sin to ignore the anemic activities that the College hopes will fill our Saturday nights. It is worth noting, however, how your tuition money is being spent. So keep it in mind when there's a giant moonbounce inflated on the Gold Coast lawn or a raffle for an I-Pod—you paid for it.

You Paid For It: College Excess

Article Tools

Related Articles