Class of 2008 Endures Happy Birthday

By Henry Danaher | Monday, October 4, 2004

Freshmen Orientation's uncompromising tedium was rivaled only by its obscene length. Ten days was probably twice the time needed to move in, acquaint oneself with the campus, attend the year-opening ceremonies, and prepare for classes. Filler was interlarded between the essentials, most of it uniformly irritating.

The majority of the information relayed by the multitude of open houses, department Q&A sessions, and other 'academic life' events could easily be found with a cursory glance through the ORC. For all the academic events, there were few specific examples of the opportunities available to students in given departments. Thankfully, the academic and peer advising was superlatively helpful in filling this void, but it is arguable as to whether these two events justified the extra days of orientation.

The First Year Office ought configure orientation such that students hear more about serious academics—this is, after all, a College. If this is such a zoo of overachieving go-getters (as they told us in the "must-read" promotional Orientation guide, "Dartmouth students are a talented bunch!"), why was there nary a mention of the outstanding scholars supposedly housed here?

But if the academic offerings were lacking, aside from a handful of open-houses, the offered 'alternative social events' shuttled between superfluity and outright pain. In total, there were (take a deep breath): ten "midnight" events, including "a night of vocal wizardry" and a "safety dance" at the Collis center; eight late-night movies; six student musical performances ("Our hip-hop dance troupe will show you their best stuff"); five "Crafts" events ("Make a hemp necklace or bracelet with assorted beads! We'll show you how!"); five dorm socialization parties; four "Language Lunch Tables"; four FUEL Dance Parties; two class-wide Frisbee games; "Milk and Cookies with the O-Team," whose members were chosen "for the diversity of their experiences;" one "Iron Chef Trangia" to show off "your cooking expertise (or lack thereof);" one hypnotist ("Laugh the night away by watching fellow '08s quack like ducks, talk like aliens, and many other hilarious skits!"); and one "Class of 2008 Birthday Party"—"It's your big night! The 2008s have arrived! Cake, decorations, games, party favors, fun hats, and tons more!" Rather than sewing seeds of social interaction, the "ice-breakers" lured unsuspecting freshmen into painting flower pots in the small hours of the morning ("we'll even provide the plant!"); perhaps anyone who would willingly attend an event entitled "Crafts" deserved any horrible fate which became him.

Here's a few more:

A "mixed ability" dance workshop that "challenges definitions and defies limitations." "Pairing dancers in wheelchairs with other disabled and non-disabled dancers, this award winning California-based company has revolutionized dance... If you think you know what dance is, think again!" No dance experience was necessary—big surprise!

An introduction to College life called "College 101: Kegs, Kicks, and Dartmouth." "As a college student, YOU must make an informed decision about the role alcohol will play in YOUR campus life."

A "Class of 2008 Night at the Hop" for the screening of "a special multi-media presentation about the programs and activities available for you at the Hop" and an "arts marketplace." "Experienced or not, whether on stage, behind the scenes, in the studio, or just for fun, there's a place for you at the Hop!"—unless, of course, you despise the Arts.

Terrible as they may have been, the socialization events were, at least, easily avoidable—not so with the dreaded mandatory programming. Of course, the "required" events purveyed no useful information, but they also failed miserably to capture student interest. Sleep overtook most of the students who attended the summer reading lecture, hardly surprising considering the source material. Terry Tempest William's Refuge was rambling, to say the least, and written by an author impossible to relate to, not because of an "extraordinary life," but because she writes from the perspective of an enviro-fascist who sees man(kind) as the root of all evil [see page 11]. The lecture focused less on the specific content of the book than how water apparently "moves us." (I cannot say I relate.)

The Refuge lecture illustrated that many "Orientation" events were largely stock left-liberal boilerplate, but the infamous "Experiences" symposium clarified this arduously. The College advertised Experiences as an opportunity to "experience the diversity of Dartmouth's community through sights, sounds and stories." In reality, it provided a forum for thirteen speakers attempting to prove they were "more" than just a token member of their class, gender, ethnicity, sexual preference, weight class, hair color, or zodiac sign. And yet, merely belonging to a rarified demographic group apparently destines said group to be a defining element of one's College education. In fact, abounding diversity is such an asset to education that the College had the students recite the Pledge of Allegiance whilst facing a spot-lit Gay Pride flag. Afterwards, our UGAs herded us back home for required intra-dorm "rap sessions" about the Experiences experience.

Although the grueling week tested our fortitude to its limits, fortune was with us. Matriculation was upon us the morning after Experiences; the College had deemed us acclimated, sensitized, and acceptable in its eyes.

Class of 2008 Endures Happy Birthday

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