The Greeks Shall Inherit the Earth

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Editor's Note: Presented here for your consideration and enjoyment are brief pen-portraits of Dartmouth's venerable fraternities and sororities. Some might accuse us of trafficking in generalities; to our defense, we hope that these sketches will serve as fine, humorous introductions to the true hardwood of the College.

Alpha Chi Alpha

Rich in character and steeped in tradition, Alpha Chi allegedly popularized the vogue phrase, 'Nobody rages anymore.' So do they? Well, having just undergone major renovations that've just transformed a modest cottage into a sprawling palazzo; the house's interior now bears a strange resemblance to that of the East Wheelock cluster. A house pledge, like Hester Prynne, can be identified by his scarlet cap.

Alpha Delta

It's something of a cardinal sin to be ignorant of that fact that the capers of AD brothers were the basis for the classic picture Animal House. Whether the depiction is still accurate is open to debate; they do claim, however, what is undoubtedly the grimmest basement on campus–it usually doubles as an open sewer. Soccer and rugby players make up a good portion of the brotherhood, which is one of the strongest on campus. The AD Lawn Party during Green Key weekend is always well-attended.

Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity, Inc.

Alpha Phi Alpha is a historically black fraternity. We regret that we cannot print a photo of their physical plant: they meet out of 103 Channing Cox.

Bones Gate

BG just finished major renovations this summer which forced their brotherhood to relocate off-campus. Chill, relaxed, and laid back, they enjoy a good time, which probably accounts for their at-times tempestuous relationship with the administration. They're known for their live bands, usually jam, jazz, or funk.

Chi Gamma Epsilon

Chi Gam's reputation already has broad campus circulation and you've probably caught on already, though in fairness the house has actually changed a good deal over the past few years. All in all, these are solid guys, many of them athletes. They come as they are. But we'd be remiss if we didn't mention that a Chi Gam party generally entails (a) D.J.s manning the ones-and-twos, (b) kegs, (c) flashing lights, and (d) gyrating brothers.

Chi Heorot

'Hockey players'–a few years ago, that would have summed it up. While the Heorots of today can't be so blatantly stereotyped, they still enjoy whapping the puck. Yes, whacking the puck–that's what they're all about. Whapping the puck. Whapping the puck. Read into that what you will.

Gamma Delta Chi

'Football players'–a few years ago, that would have summed it up. Well, it does these days too. They try to keep it medium-rare, but sometimes things fall through. The pit in the basement was originally designed as a swimming pool, but for safety reasons was soon converted to a raquetball court. That didn't work out either; now it's primarily used for more bibulous basement activities.

La Unidad Latina Lambda Upsilon
Lambda Fraternity, Inc. Et Cetera

LULLULFIET is a latino affinity organization. Like Alpha Phi Alpha their presence on campus is limited as they do not have social events or a physical plant.

Kappa Kappa Kappa

Tri Kap is probably the most diverse brotherhood on campus and the oldest local fraternity, dating to 1842. Once a bastion of conservatism, Tri-Kap's right-wingers expelled their homosexual brothers in 1984, only to find themselves expelled in turn. Beer pong is taken very seriously here–if you're a novice, call next at your own risk. They're also fond of dance parties (bring your glow-sticks).

Phi Delta Alpha

A bunch of boozers, brawlers, burners, and social outcasts–in the best senses of the terms. That notwithstanding, many campus leaders–esp. in the Greek system and the Student Assembly�–call Phi Delt home. Phi Delt is also renowned for hosting the Webster Ave. block party on Green Key weekend. If in conversation your confabulator liberally peppers his discourse with words like 'rig,' 'grim,' 'soil,' 'basement,' or 'Ya Heard?' you're probably talking to a Phi Delt.

President's Residence

While not really a 'fraternity' in the traditional sense of the word, 14 Webster Avenue is legendary for its debaucherous partying, loose morals, and out-of-control, anything-goes behavior. We hear Susan Wright is a real dinner party animal; if you've got the stuff, try to score an invite to her annual 'Administrators Gone Wild' gala ball. Former President James O. Freedman had a grotto installed in the backyard, which we hear can be quite sensuous in the right company.

Psi Upsilon

Creator and former host of the Winter Carnival Keg Jump, once arguably Dartmouth's most notorious event but now banned by the administration, Psi U still turns their front yard into a skating rink in the wintertime anyways. There are dozens of small handles on the low-hanging ceiling in part of the basement, presumably so that brothers can swing about from place to place without sullying their feet on the atrociously grim floor. Quite a few brothers play country club sports like squash, sailing, and golf.

Sigma Nu

Until recently many Sigma Nus were also affiliated with the marching band. But don't let that discourage you, as the brotherhood has changed over the past few years. They're a group of gregarious, genuine, and friendly guys. Don't be fooled by the short pong tables; their variant, "Line," can be more difficult than pedestrian games played elsewhere.

Sigma Alpha Epsilon

SAE, the inspiration for Omega in Animal House, is well-heeled, to say the least–they have trust funds and are not afraid to use them. They use their superfluous resources to throw champagne parties and sport egregiously preppy clothing, always with the collars popped forth. SAE's winter beach party entices hordes of scantily clad youths to trudge throw the snow and frolic in the tons of sand they import for the event.

Theta Delta Chi

Theta Delts are the sweetest guys on campus–just ask them, and they'll tell you, it's true. Everyone else plays checkers; they play chess. Everyone else plays Chutes and Ladders; they play Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Zeta Psi

Zete is Dartmouth's only independent fraternity and the only house you can join before your sophomore year. Known for their Thursday night 'Tails and strict pong rules, the house has been an object of mystery and speculation in past years. However, those familiar with it enjoy the friendly, non-threatening basement scene and amiable brothers there.

Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Inc. &
Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Inc.

These historically African-American sororities are devoted to community service and a variety of dance known as stepping. Beyond that, we're rather ignorant of these organizations�–sorry, you'll have to find out for yourself.

Alpha Xi Delta

The sharp-eyed passer-by might notice the Greek characters 'Beta Theta Pi' installed above Alpha Z's door. AZD's don't have the same reputation for hijinks as their landlords, who used to hold bottle-rocket wars and full-scale riots with neighbors Zete and Phi Delt until they were de-recognized in 1996. The sorority todays boasts a vibrant and active sisterhood; just don't expect cookies from them since their house lacks a kitchen.

Delta Delta Delta

The Sisters of the House of the Three Delts can be prim and proper, but they're also warm and welcoming. And they don't just know how to have a good time–they know how to bake. The kind of girls you can take home to the parents.

Epsilon Kappa Theta

Formerly the Harold Parmington Foundation (HPF), these brassy ladies are tip-top starlets. Theta boasts a very strong and diverse sisterhood.

Kappa Delta Epsilon

A local sorority, KDE throws parties that can out-do most fraternities. Also, when spring rolls around, look for guys in seersucker and girls in sun hats walking up Webster Avenue to KDE's Derby Days party, a celebration of all things aristocratic. Beneficiaries of a recent, massive renovation, the sisters of KDE now enjoy the most spacious basement of any house on campus.

Kappa Kappa Gamma

Located down past the gym, Kappa rarely plays host to any notable social functions, but they do enjoy dieting. These gals are a staple on the Greek circuit.

Sigma Phi Epsilon

If Sig Ep were a processed food, it would definitely come in 'family size,' like a fifty-gallon drum of mayonnaise at Costco's. They've got the largest brotherhood among fraternities and they even call their particular variety of pong 'Death.' At the same time, they pride themselves on moderation. The house's pledge term (a misnomer: it's nonexistent, really) is organized around a 'Balanced Man' program that emphasizes love, service, and character.

Sigma Delta

A handful of Sigma Delt sisters started a streaking club a few summers ago–Novack Café� on busy nights is probably your best bet to catch a glimpse. They throw one very large, very popular dance party a term. Nice, opinionated girls in general, who won't take any guff.

Alpha Theta

Alpha Thetas used to be a more rambunctious lot–in the late seventies they used to get juiced up and drive their cars relentlessly around Phi Tau until they were apprehended by the authorities or the thrill was gone, whichever came first. The event was called the Phi Tau 500 and stemmed from an old rivalry between the two houses: both, you see, were, and are, co-ed. These days, as with most of the College's more reckless traditions, the Phi Tau 500 is no more. Alpha Theta has mellowed out as well. Today, they are known more for their capes and top hats than their antics behind the wheel.

Panarchy

Formerly Phi Sigma Psi, Panarchy today isn't quite a fraternity or a sorority–it's a co-educational undergraduate society, whatever that means. The house broke away from the Greek system in 1994, largely because it felt its "hippie" culture, "punk" music and homosexual contingent caused other houses to see it as "weird." While considered the residential adjunct of the Dartmouth Gay and Lesbian Organization for many years, today they host a popular "Gatsby" party once a term.

Phi Tau

If one were charitable, he might characterize Phi Tau as eccentric; were he more acrimonious, the description would probably be flat-out weird. At the same time, they embrace their oddity and aren't ashamed to demonstrate it. Hey, if you've got it, flaunt it. Phi Tau's termly bash, Milque and Cookies, literally features thousands of diverse cookies and a thick dairy beverage brewed in cauldrons by galley slaves in the back rooms. Sadly, it is non-alcoholic.

The Tabard

A progressive house for many years, Tabards (Tabardites?) belong to a bountiful cornucopia of diverse tastes, attitudes, and backgrounds. It's an eclectic mix that can often be quite enthralling. How does that sound?

The Greeks Shall Inherit the Earth

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