Original Article: http://dartreview.com/archives/2006/04/21/dis_sho_aint_no_jive_bro.php
Friday, April 21, 2006
Originally Published March 15, 1982, as a satircal and parodic argument against affirmative action. The backlash ensuing from this article helped to shape the campus’ early perception of The Dartmouth Review, and while it reflects neither the editorial policy at the time nor that of today, it is important as an histroical artifact.
SHEET! We be bucoo1 riled, bro. Dem white mo-fo be sayin’ ’firmative action ain’t no good fo’ us, cause it be puttin’ down ac-demic standards. Dey be spoutin’ ’bout how ’firmative action be no hep to black folk ’cross da nation, on account we be not doin’ too well wit da GPAs and sheet.
Got dang! I tink dis be ’scusing the rollin’ back of da civil rahts gains of da sixties. White folk be itchin’ to be puttin’ us back into fettas.2 Dey be forgettin’ we be ’mancipated. Sheet! Today, the ’ministration be slashin’ dem free welfare lunches for us po’ students. How we be ’posed to be gettin’ our GPAs up when we don’t be havin’ no food? Dem lunch womans be spoonin’ our sprigs cat-sup, and makin’ racist comments ’bout our ility to work. You be expectin’ us to tink, you best be giving us fus3 dibs on da food line.
White folk be sayin’ dat ’firmative action be ’complishin’ frightful tings, which for dat not be da purpose. Dey be mouthin’ ’bout how ’firmative action be racist, when at da same time dese folk be havin’ black boys hodin’ lantins4 luminatin’ da driveways up to dere pads. Dey be da mo-fo dat be oppressin’ us all dese centuries. Dey be whuppin’ us wit dere mouts an’ wit da rawhide ta boot! We don’t be likin’ to see our sisters be sat on. We be risin’ up, rallyin’, singin’ gospel songs, and stagin’ de revolution.
Dat racist horro’ be right in front cho eyes, yep, it even be in Hanova. It be in da ’guise of dat white boy, Keeney Jones. (By da way, I tink he be latherin’ up wit pur Afro-Sheen, fo his light brown friz.) Jones be callin’ us “Negroes”; for one ting we ain’t be Negroes. We be da united black race. Some of us even be coalitionin’ the Black Marti Farabundo Front. But we be smackin’ dat Keeney ’pside ’is head, ’fhe keeps dis up. Dese boys be sayin’ that we be comin’ here to Dartmut an’ not takin’ the classics. You know, Homa, Shakesphere, but I hea’ dey all be co’d in da ground, six feet unda, and whatchu be askin’ us to learn from dem? We be culturally lightened too. We be takin’ hard courses in many subjects, like Afro-Am Studies, Women’s Studies, and Policy Studies. And who be mouthin’ ’bout us not bein’ good read? I be practicly knowin’ Roots cova to cova, til’ my mine be boogying to da words! An’ I be watchin’ “The Jeffersons” on TV til I be blue in da face. Say what, mo-fo? I can’t be blue? ’Scuse me. Sheet!
’Firmative action be havin’ bad5 ’fects on us blacks. It be hepin us git equal opptunity. Some of us be gettin’ into Ivy schools from the inner city, even do we not be bustin’ our gizzards doin’ work. But where the Ivy be at? Now we be comin’ to Dartmut and be up over our ’fros in studies, but we still be not graduatin’ Phi Beta Kappa. Maybe dere should be anudda ’firmative action program ’bout dat. Sheet! Citations for blacks wit Cs would be bucoo nice. But we still be havin’ a long way to go. Dere still be many white trash try in’ to put us down. We not jus’ be referrin’ to da Klan, wit dere white robes to match dere faces. Da head honcho of Exxon be a mo-fo racist too, jus like the bosses of udda corporations, ’cept if dey be black, of course. (We not be includin’ dat Uncle Tom, Tom Sowell, in dis.) Once mo, I say loud and clear dat ’firmative action be the only pat6 to our being ’cepted in ’ciety. Got dang!
’Fyu be wantin’ to gape at the vantages of ’firmative action, den be lookin’ ma way, bro. I be a mo-fo, got dang, bucoo, bad studier. Sheet! I also be makin’ myse’f a wuthwhile piece of ’ciety by havin’ many extra-curries. I be in the BUTA, a memba of da AAm, an’ I also be playin’ hoops fo’ Alpha Phi. Til now I be writin’ a lot, but I not be gettin’ published by da campus papa’s. Culturally ’oused ’gain! Makes me so mat.7 What’s mo, my birfday is comin’ up, an’ I be wantin’ chocolate cake. But dey not be stockin’ any at da Thayer, only vanilla. Mo ’scrimination! Sheet! Ho’d on, now. I not be settin’ out to be brutally ’tackin nobody. I only be hopin’ to open a line of speakin’ between all da college colors, but da only green we want in da ’scussion is Professa Michael Green. Dis communicatin’ has got to be civilized, but at the same it betta be honest injun (no offense to da Native Americans on da campus). I’ll be honest. I’ll tell da truf. Dat is da fus ’quirement for ’scussion on dis, and I would aks8 da Dartmut c-munity to do da same. Well, you know, it’s like I say—to call a spade a spade.
1 bucoo—really
2 fettas—fetters
3 fus—first
4 lantins—lanterns
5 bad—good
6 pat—path
7 mat—mad
8 aks—ask