Everybody Check Out How Sweet I Am!

By Joseph A. Rago | Friday, April 21, 2006

You could say I’ve been fairly critical of The BlabberForce—sorry, my mistake: they call it The BuzzFlood now. Fair enough. At first, I was bowled over by the chowder-headed nonsense they were serving, but lately, I’ve started to come around. Inspired by their hard work, I realized that I, too, must shore up my brand.

What prompted this revelation? For starters, an embarrassing mix of anger, humility, and frustration, a zesty emotional jambalaya I’ve experienced countless times. It’s the feeling I get when I say: “My name is Joe Rago,” and I’m met only with a perplexed look; the clueless response of “Huh? Who the hell are you?”

This might raise an eyebrow. How can someone not know Joe Rago? Ask the same person if they know the fresh young ingénues Kabir Sehgal and Brent C. Reidy—founders of the BlabberForce—and they will recognize these people immediately. Those two are household names; yet I compete with, and, in all cases, trump them in terms of quality of life. But I bet you four out of five people on the street probably can’t even pronounce the word “Rago” if given it in writing.

I know—you’re horrified. Me too. The name “Joe Rago” ought to shake the walls of a room when it is slipped into conversation. I ought to be able to make waves with the name-drop, you know? But although I am a perfect blend of smooth, hand-rolled excellence, I’m not perceived to be numero uno.

There’s a simple explanation for the confusion: Kabir Sehgal and Brent C. Reidy are campus celebrities because they’re hyped. They’ve created a well-known image that is winning rave reviews and taking Dartmouth by storm. It’s superficial, but do you know how important brands are these days? Well, they are extraordinarily important.

So like greased lightning through butter, I decided to assemble a committee that would enhance my own brand. At first, I called it The RagoForce, but I had to tread lightly because I was walking on hornets’ nests. The RagoForce, it seems, is already registered by Rago ® Shapeware Incorporated (www.ragoshapeware.com), one of the only companies still manufacturing girdles and corsets for “today’s woman.” Rago ® Shapeware produces such quality products as the Shapette Waist Cincher, outfitted with “flexible boning” to contour the “waist, hips, back, and derriere,” and the Diet-Minded All-In-One Body Briefer, with a “split crotch for convenient opening.”

You can’t make an omelet without grabbing the bull by the horns, damn it. Undaunted, I created The RagoFlood instead. It’s the swiftly growing student group dedicated to telling my story. On to the specifics: The ‘Flood, which was started less than a week ago, now boasts more members than a baker. Essentially, The ‘Flood is a web of students that celebrates all things Joe Rago. For example, Joe Rago.

The ‘Flood isn’t meant to brag—it’s meant to illustrate why Joe Rago is so special: He is a talented and special person. Let’s tell his story.

Why’s it such a big deal that we know about Joe Rago’s excellence? One gram of information equals one kelvin of education. One centigrade of education is a kilometer of understanding and wisdom. Metrically speaking, the more we know about why Joe Rago is excellent, the more we will be able to feel the groove, express ourselves, and let our souls dance. My soul just loves doing the Salty Dog Rag!

It’s a tremendous feat to be Joe Rago. Why don’t you let The ‘Force—I mean The ‘Flood—blabber—I mean buzz—tell you about it?

What will The RagoFlood do to hawk the Joe Rago Brand? We’ve already compiled a list of students’ vignettes on the best Joe Rago has to offer, to be distributed via the medium of unsolicited electric mail. But that’s not all.

Why not make Joe Rago t-shirts? I’ve already made one—it’s prominently emblazoned with the word “BRAND.” Now, did I need another t-shirt? No, I must have at least five t-shirts. But I figure people will see me wearing it and associate me, Joe Rago, with a strong brand name. The RagoFlood has also started distributing Joe Rago t-shirts to local Hanover teenagers. Teenagers walking around with Joe Rago shirts will inevitably increase the “buzz-flood” about Joe Rago. Teenagers are cool, right?

Dartmouth could be doing more to celebrate my excellence too. It could do more in rewarding and affirming those things that make me so special. That’s my ultimate story: excellence. Hell, it wasn’t until President Wright inaugurated the admit-Joe-Rago-to-Dartmouth program that I was even able to come here—now, even Wright’s zany parrot Wiggles gets to sit on the shoulder of this celebrated student!

Perhaps one misconception is that The RagoFlood is out to change Joe Rago. This simply isn’t true. Rest assured, I’ve flat-out refused to change or improve. According to The RagoFlood’s circulation letter, “Our aim is to enhance the Joe Rago Brand through increased exposure of the Joe Rago name while at the same time maintaining the treasured Joe Rago experience.” There you have it: Joe Rago in a sea-shell—let’s let people know.

Another misconception is that I’m just in this for the prestige. Come on, pull your head out of your ass. Prestige isn’t something I can buy in the future! It’s something we have to work towards now! So what can you do? Six words: yakety-yak, do talk back. Flood about what makes Joe Rago special in your conversations. “Hey, have you heard? Joe Rago is really sweet. Pass it on!” Let everyone in on the little secret the world has yet to discover: Joe Rago truly is the best person ever.

Every day, wake up and ask yourself: “What can be done?” Remember, it is your duty as Dartmouth students to promote the Joe Rago Brand. So, cherish The RagoForce. Embrace it. Seduce it. Run your hand along its inner thigh and get to know each other. Voila! I’ll have raised prestige, lofty status, and I’ll finally be treated like the champ I am.

We all say we love Joe Rago, let’s show just how much we really do. After all, Joe Rago cannot be good for goodness sake. We must tell people how goodness he is.

Everybody Check Out How Sweet I Am!

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