gordon haff's last word

By S. Matthew McDonald | Sunday, June 11, 2006

My prayer to God is a very short one: “O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.” God has granted it.

—Voltaire

As far as unwed mothers on welfare are concerned, it seems to me that they must be capable of some other form of labor.

—Al Capp

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

—Agatha Christie

Marriage: The most expensive way to get your laundry done.

—Charles James

A friend married, is a friend lost.

—Henrik Ibsen

Who desires peace should prepare for war.

—Vegetius

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only for food: frequently there must be a beverage.

—Woody Allen

Princeton is a wonderful little spot. A quaint and ceremonious village of puny demigods on stilts.

—Albert Einstein

I have just received the following telegram from my generous Daddy. It says, “Dear Jack: Don’t buy a single vote more than is necessary. I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for a landslide.”

—John F. Kennedy

I think I made his back feel better.

—Marilyn Monroe, on John F. Kennedy

It takes quite a bit of nerve for Democrats to complain about inflation. This reminds me of germs complaining about the disease.

—Spiro Agnew

He [Jimmy Carter] says his lust is in his heart. I hope it’s a little lower.

—Shirley MacLaine

Half of San Antonio’s population is of Mexican descent; the other half just eats that way.

—Mike Greenberg

Making Texans stand in line for gas is like making Kansans stand in line for wheat.

—Harry Hubbard

France is a country where the money falls apart in your hands and you can’t tear the toilet paper.

—Billy Wilder

Italy hasn’t had a government since Mussolini.

—Richard Nixon

The only perfect climate is bed.

—Frank Crownishied

Beer is not a good cocktail-party drink, especially in a home where you don’t know where the bathroom is.

—Billy Carter

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.

—Albert Camus

Then followed that beautiful season... Summer....Filled was the air with a dreamy and magical light; and the landscape

Lay as if new created in all the freshness of childhood.

—Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

You are educated. Your certification is in your degree. You may think of it as the ticket to the good life. Let me ask you to think of an alternative. Think of it as your ticket to change the world.

—Tom Brokaw

A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.

—Theodore Roosevelt

Commencement speeches were invented largely in the belief that outgoing college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.

—Garry Trudeau

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

—Dr. Seuss

gordon haff's last word

Article Tools

Related Articles