Original Article: http://dartreview.com/archives/2006/10/13/the_week_in_review.php
Friday, October 13, 2006
Sexual Assault Increases, Several Freshmen Report Lost Virginity to S&S
Dartmouth experienced a 75% rise in sexual assault from 2004 to 2005. Fourteen incidents were reported last year, up from eight in the previous year. That is to say, the change is significantly insignificant. Unfortunately, the percentage of attractive women at Dartmouth remains at an unwavering 0%. (Kidding, kidding.) Officials cautioned against reading too much into the rise, particularly since the report was mostly in numbers, and reading lots of numbers can make your eyes hurt. Sexual Abuse Awareness Program Director Prescott, in an uncharacteristic bit of optimism, speculated that the increase in reported incidents was a reflection not of increased assaults but rather an increase in reporting incidents.
Freshmen Soil, As Expected
The month of September was a spry month, particularly for the first years. UJA (Undergraduate Judicial Affairs) cited an increase in freshman disciplinary infractions, increasing from twelve the previous year to twenty this fall. Of those twenty, sixteen incidents involved alcohol. The other four incidents involved students using ‘spry’ in publications.
Despite the numbers, Gail Zimmerman, Dean of First Year Students, has cautioned against drawing wild conclusions; in particular, she noted how early in the term it still was and how the freshmen, if assiduous, can beat the Dartmouth record. Either way, it is of no surprise to the College Health Services, “In most terms, especially the fall term, the high number of alcohol-related cases do involve first-years.” Apparently due to their lack of experience, and abnormally low bodyweights—soon to be rectified by the “freshman 15.” Dick’s House said that everyone was fine, after high doses of Ketamine and extensive bloodletting.
No word as of yet, if this increased drinking contributed to the arson incident at Bissell.
California Diaper Babies “Ban” Hazing
On Friday, September 29, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger passed a law that “increases the severity of charges for some hazing rituals from misdemeanors to felonies.” The creation of the law was prompted by the death of Matthew Carrington, 21, a student at Chico State University. Carrington died last year when he was forced to drink gallons of water and do calisthenics in his fraternity’s (Chi Tau) basement. Although the specific “hazing rituals” were not mentioned, it can be assumed that included among them are excessive drinking, forced calisthenics, Alaskan pipelines, mung-chugging, and speaking one’s mind in a Dartmouth classroom.
Female Athletes Still Annoying
On September 29th, James Madison University announced it would eliminate ten of its undergraduate athletic teams, stating that it was “fundamentally out of compliance” with Title IX regulations mandating the proportion of male and female athletes be the same as the overall male to female ratio in the student body at large. James Madison has a student population that is 61% female and 39% male and athletic teams that are 51% female and 49% male,
Therefore, seven male teams were out, including archery, gymnastics, track, and swimming, leading many to question just how many university administrators are whipped by their significant other. The school later backtracked saying that only six male teams were heading to the chopping board because, they had found out, male gymnastics isn’t actually a sport.
The James Madison women’s pudding wrestling team starts practice next week.
When Sapphists Attack
On October 3, the Women and Gender Studies’ program hosted the Seventh Annual Stonewall Lecture, honoring noted filmmaker, “activist,” and lesbian fisting scholar Amber Hollibaugh. The Lectures were established in the 1990s by alumni and the Carpenter fund to look back fondly upon the Stonewall Riots of 1969, when police raided the Stonewall Inn, an illegally operated gay bar with mob ties in New York City. Sales of Astroglide and manicures immediately dropped, leading to local economic devastation. This event was a “watershed” event for gay rights in America, fueling several days of riots, several decades of activism, and innumerable hours of mind-numbing academic conferences more than 30 years later.
Hollibaugh came with quite the resume, serving as a Senior Strategist for the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, a founding member of Queers for Economic Justice, and the director of The Heart of the Matter. The film about women’s sexuality and HIV risk won the Sundance Film Festival Freedom of Expression award and was featured on the PBS series, POV. Her finest credentials, however, stemmed from an article she wrote about lesbian fisting. Seriously.
Hollibaugh gave an articulate and qualified lecture about “Sexual Danger, Sexual Hope: Political Possibilities.” She lectured at length about the dangers facing gays and lesbians in America today, mostly about how the inequalities and suffering they face cannot be dealt with simply with equal rights or civil rights. Rather, she emphasized that equal rights were simply not good enough. What was most important to her was liberation of the world from the neoconservative Right that had terrorized the gay and lesbian community for years (no matter that there is no neoconservative opinion on homosexual rights). Citing the issues of HIV and condom use, she stated: “Abstinence is a ridiculous idea,” supporting instead free and open sexual liberation for all. She implied that people in general aren’t able to control themselves enough for abstinence, and that it is not “effective,” because, as everyone knows this stuff is transmitted through the air anyway. She subsequently fisted herself in front of the audience.
College Democrats Express Solidarity with Illegal Immigrants
College Democrats staged a fundraiser, selling Taco Bell tacos on Webster Avenue, from 11 PM to 2 AM, on the evening of October 6th.
Harvard Die-In Fails, Activists Survive
Activists took sides last week at the Harvard Career Fair, the first such event at Harvard after the Supreme Court’s unanimous decision last year that tied federal money to the military’s ability to gain entrance to said fairs. Among the employer tables were Goldman Sachs, Pierce & Pierce, and the esteemed law firm which attracted many with its four day workweek; Lipschitz, Feinberg and Cohenbergensteinenwitz.
About 30 “peace” protesters conducted so-called “die-in” outside of Soldiers Field, the site of the fair. The protest was co-sponsored by HJIP (Harvard Institute for Peace and Justice) and—the aptly named—SLAM (Student Labor Action Movement). The protesters smeared themselves with fake blood and simulated death in front of the entrance to Soldiers Field. Unfortunately, not one of them was actually killed. When told what they were doing, one student was overheard saying, “Oh, I thought it was the Gender Studies project simulating sex.”
In addition to the ‘die-in,’ three “informally affiliated” demonstrators entered the field in plain clothes only to later remove their clothing and reveal superhero costumes. Upon reaching the military’s table, the trio tried to enlist—apparently hoping to draw attention to the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy through gratuitous use of tights. In a way they were successful, as they soon managed to force the military recruiters to ask, “what the hell are they doing?” The Harvard University Police took the three protestors into custody for wearing white tights after Labor Day. Outside of Soldier’s Field a dozen College Republicans staged a counter-protest across from the ‘die-in’ by sitting down and not acting like idiots. All protesters were, however, dispersed by heavy rainfall later in the day. Lending some star power to the event, gubernatorial candidate Grace C. Ross (Green-Rainbow Party) showed up in support of HJIP and SLAM, as did Boston City Council Candidate Dan “The Bagel Man” Kontoff, who were both offended by the fact that no cared.
Dartmouth Selects New Registar
Meredith Horton Braz will take the reigns as head of Dartmouth’s Office of the Registrar. The Registrar is in charge of scheduling courses, organizing the D-Plan, assigning classrooms, keeping academic records, and assigning pong tables to disoriented freshmen. Braz is currently serving as the Registrar for Bates College and will be moving up on the social ladder to Dartmouth effective November 1. She obtained her Masters in teaching at Smith College, which means every male student with a registration problem will be accused of a “phallic-borne assumption of male dominance.”
Fahrenheit 451 Banned; Irony Finally Dies
In a truly stunning display, a Houston, TX school board was lobbied during the 25th annual American Library Association Banned Books Week to ban Ray Bradbury’s novel Fahrenheit 451, which envisions a futuristic world in which books are banned. Alton and Diana Verm, the parents of a high school student, filed a request for the school district to remove the novel from its curriculum; they specifically objected to the book’s discussion of smoking. The Verms have now initiated a campaign to ban Bones Gate.
East Wheelock Students Rage at Karaoke Night
The Programming Board offered an alcohol-free frat alternative this Saturday night at Collis Cafe; Karaoke Night, which started at 8 PM and promptly ended at 8:10 PM, offered all students residing east of Chi Heorot a chance to be social. Free EBAs pizza was offered, although this just disappointed most attendees, because it reminded them that they had never been drunk enough to actually like it. Although frats were closed because of rush, most students decided that they would have lost less dignity lying on frat row drunk and naked, covered in their own vomit, than singing karaoke at 8PM on a Saturday night.
‘Holistic’ Admissions: New Name, Old Twaddle
In the quest for increasing diversity on in college campuses, a “new” approach is being implemented in efforts to preserve old practices. Admissions committees insist on retaining race as an acceptance factor, despite repeated challenges extending as far as the Supreme Court. The newest trick: a ‘holistic’ approach implemented in 1997 at the University of Texas, with numerous schools following suit, including UC Berkeley and most recently UCLA.
What does this actually mean for the admissions process? Previously, methods such as the quota and point-value systems were designed to give minorities an unfair advantage. The Supreme Court struck down both of these methods, in Regents v. Bakke and Gratz v. Bollinger, on the basis that these admissions processes were not narrowly tailored and did not pass the strict scrutiny test. However, the newly introduced “holistic” approach allows admissions officers to abstractly promote minorities, taking the factor into account in a broad, qualitative, rather than quantitative, fashion. By considering applicants’ socioeconomic and racial backgrounds side-by-side with academic and extracurricular performance, the officers are given free roam to prefer minorities over equally or more qualified candidates. Minority status and lower-class backgrounds are used to compensate for academic weakness, admitting students with far below average SAT and GPA performance scores in what is effectually a quota system. Though it is important to consider the applicant as an individual, the amorphous nature of the ‘holistic’ approach allows for and effectively demands racial bias to prevent color-blind admissions decisions. What does this really mean for college admissions? A more abstract and indirect means to give preferential treatment to minority groups and lower socioeconomic brackets.