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The Week in Review

Thursday, November 9, 2006

Nobody Rages Anymore

Last month the Dartmouth Undergraduate Disciplinary System released its Annual Report covering the 2005-2006 academic year. Interestingly only 427 cases were reported, the lowest in six years. The previous years saw numbers ranging from 490 to a diabolical 666 cases two years ago. While cases involving academic integrity remained consistent with past years, a representative of the Office of Judicial Affairs commented angrily, “There were significantly fewer alcohol cases…too few…I don’t like the looks of it,” after which all hell broke loose in a distinctly cinematic cliché.

Are students drinking less? The answer appears to be a resounding no. The College seems to think that its Good Samaritan policy lies at the heart of the drop in alcohol cases (to 307 from 498 last year).

Director of Undergraduate Judicial Affairs April Thompson spoke of the program, “People call for help before the violation becomes significant. If people call early before someone is so intoxicated that they’re damaging property, hurting other people, or eating EBA’s, it decreases the risk of other complications.”

While the College’s policies may play a role in the drop in cases, other factors could be in play. Perhaps students are simply drinking smarter. Although the elite, crime-fighting sleuths of Safety and Security continue to strike fear in the hearts of inebriated undergraduates, isn’t it possible that $45,963 worth of an Ivy League education has taught students how to safely stumble across the green?

Wholesome Moderate Seeks Caring Companion

WSM, Jewish, Dartmouth Review ‘10, with mohawk. Looking for girl into colonial-era hairstyles. Must have blunderbuss. If interested, please mail dowry information to Hinman Box 2426. No Pilgrims.

“Black Thought” Comes to Dartmouth; Leaves

On Sunday, November 5th, Dartmouth hosted the “hip-hop” band The Roots at Leede Arena. ‘10s and Hanover High students came out in droves to hear such wholesome lyrics as “My mind it will spill, my nine it will kill ... Hitting your guts, splitting your torso.” The Roots are known for their huge popularity with the homophobic community for such lyrics as: “You knows we gonna rock/and don’t stop/ just droppin off my bags you fags.”

The proper use of grammar was later found brutally stabbed and trampled to death on the Leede Arena stage after the performance.

Mike Relm, a musical/video fusion DJ, was the opening act. His videos blended clips of explicit pornography, gruesome murders, and, worst of all, Pee-Wee Herman. The night didn’t end without an important lesson learned: “50 Ways to Gat Your Lover.” Upon closing the night, Relm used film to compare George Bush, recipient of Time Magazine’s “Man of the Year” award to the 1938 winner, Adolf Hitler, reassuring students that DJ’s remain at the forefront of historically ignorant political punditry. Is that Kanye West calling in the distance?

Have a Penis? New Campus Publication Fights for Male Equality

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
mail in your secrets
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Hinman Box 2426

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for print in dartmouth’s new phallicist publication

TAMED

SA Trick or Treat: Rapist Costume Not Popular

In an act of seasonal good cheer, Student Assembly sent out a spooky pre-Halloween prank via blitz to the entire student body, warning of a murderous rapist on the loose in Hanover last Monday the 16th. Sadly, nobody got the joke. The bizarre blitz, whose subject line was simply “FYI,” told of the rape of a UVM student and the abduction of a second woman in Thetford, VT. And why did all 4,100 undergraduates need this news? So that “members of the Dartmouth community, especially females,” would know to “use caution tonight.” It turned out that the events reported were not only entirely fictional, but represented a hilariously obvious attempt by SA president Timmy Andreadis to publicize his pet issue of sexual assault. In a follow-up blitz two days later, SA tried to cover up with further lies, attributing the misinformation to “earlier news reports,” which, of course, did not even vaguely suggest that rape was involved in either of the cases mentioned in the original blitz. Students were probably more shocked by blatant deception by their own Student Assembly than by the supposed on-campus presence of a blood-thirsty sex maniac. If Andreadis wants sexual assault to be as big of an issue on campus as he makes it out to be, he may have to start raping people himself.

Suicide Attack Causes Blackout

A portion of the Hanover power system was brought to its knees last Thursday by a suicide attack carried out by one of the many squirrel insurgents on campus. The attack left all six dorms in the new McLaughlin cluster and some of the houses on Webster Avenue without power for approximately one hour. The squirrel maliciously short-circuited two adjacent power lines in a substation on North Main Street with its own body, starting a small fire. The squirrel’s sleeper cell leaders did comment, however, saying that “The Roth Center went suspiciously unaffected” by the power outage.

Although no specific group has claimed responsibility for this attack, it is widely believed to be one of the many radical small woodland creature cells hidden along Webster.

East Wheelock Catastrophe: Stereotypical Jokes Become Too Obvious To Print

>Date: 03 Nov 2006 11:49:10 -0500
>From: Christine M. Bear
>Subject: Damages
>To: (Recipient list suppressed)

Hi EW,

It has come to my attention that the Brace Commons kitchen has been consistently left a mess. On Oct. 26 the kitchen was particularly messy with rice….
The amount of damage has totaled to $28.05, it is important that whoever is responsible for the damage come forward so that the entire Cluster does not get billed. I will give the person(s) responsible a week (until 11.10 at 12:00 noon) to come forward, either by blitzing or calling me directly. If no one comes forward, your whole community will be billed for the damages.

Should there be questions or concerns regarding this incident, do not hesitate to contact me; my contact information is in my signature below. I look forward to hearing from the individual(s) responsible for the damage within the week.

___________________________________
Christy Bear
Community Director, East Wheelock Cluster

Indians Beat Lions, PETA Sues

In a match that former Dean of Admissions Karl Furstenburg might describe as “antithetical to the academic mission” of Dartmouth and the rest of the campus might describe as “sweet,” the Dartmouth Indians posted their first win of the season against the Columbia Lions. In this geographically and historically anachronistic match of mascots, the Indians triumphed the Lions in a crushing 20-7 away-game victory. The defense performed excellently, shutting out Columbia until the end of the fourth quarter with a 17-0 lead; the offense rallied with two touchdowns and two tough field goals. The Indians hope to continue this winning streak in the remaining games of the season. Wah-Hoo-Wah!

Inmating

Dartmouth is sponsoring a prison inmate pen-pal program with the Southeast State Correctional Facility, a minimum-security prison for women in Windsor, Vermont. Despite the prisoners’ requests for “pretty little youngins,” any Dartmouth student was able to participate. Called “Telling My Story,” the program “culminated in a theater performance featuring both the inmates and the students,” according to a Dartmouth press release. The level of security at the performances was not made clear, however, most expected some form of “rough lovin’.” College policy regarding conjugal visits has yet to be determined.

Yale Anti-Gay Group E-Mails Alleged Sodomites

On October 11th, National Coming-Out Day, an e-mail was sent from an unknown source targeting Yale’s gay community. The e-mail, claiming to be from the unmistakably fake National Organization to Gain Acceptance for Your Sins (NOGAYS), made a parallel between coming out as gay and coming out as a racist. Included in the e-mail was: “There’s no shame in being who you are. Just remember, admitting it doesn’t make it right.” The NOGAYS e-mail was supplemented by posters across campus sending related messages to students. That afternoon, over 30 students “came out.”

Meanwhile, Yale University officials have traced the e-mail to its source, but have not yet taken disciplinary action. If punished, the perpetrators will have to be educated and introduced to gay culture. Yale plans to make them audience members at a recording of “The View,” make them sit through “Rent,” and ambigously “experiment,” repeatedly.

McMurry Pulls a Dartmouth

“Going to a mascot that has four legs and fur just didn’t fit who we are.” That from McMurry University President John Russel after the NCAA rejected their appeal to keep their Indian mascot. Instead of opting for another mascot the school has settled on “team”; which, they feel could be as potentially rousing. Especially when one looks at options like “Go, team, go!”, “Our team is sweet,” or “Let’s Double-Team Her!”
The school is less enthused about the cost, which could be as high as $150,000; the school is also looking at potential problems with marketing their new brand, fearing that “team” may be too generic. They had looked at using the word “teamsters”, but the Hoffa family made it clear they weren’t amused by the flippant insensitivity of the school.

Socialists Protest, Anger Evenly Distributed Among Protestors

Students recently rushed Columbia’s Roone Auditorium, attempting to disrupt a speech given by Jim Gilchrist and Marvin Stewart, members of the Minutemen, a volunteer group which patrols the southern border looking for illegal aliens. Merely minutes into their speech, the two were escorted off the stage because of havoc created by members of the Chicano and International Socialist student groups.

With shouts of “Your wife called you a Minuteman,” the group unfurled a banner in English and Arabic, which said that “No One is Ever Illegal.” The Arabic underneath the phrase was roughly translated as “Except for those of us without documentation…we’re actually illegal.”

The interruption of Mr. Stewart, an African-American, was particularly amusing, as the students called him a “racist, a sellout, and a black white supremacist.” Exactly what he was sold out of remains unclear, although Harriet Beecher Stowe called him and said that she wants her literary archetype back. Many students voiced the opinion that the Minutemen had no right to speak freely on ‘their’ campus; this could prove a sticky situation for anyone who has heard of the first amendment.

The students were not the only protesters; many city dwellers hoping to relive there blissful youth gathered outside the college and chanted, “Hey, hey, ho, ho, the Minutemen have got to go!” The students, caught up in the furor of the moment, also began to chant, “si se pudo” or, “yes we could” as they were escorted from the stage—apparently unaware that poder is a transitive verb.

Activists Find Something Offensive To Be Angry About

Last week, Johns Hopkins University administrators suspended the Sigma Chi fraternity, which held a supposedly racist Halloween party. The party, called “Halloween in the Hood,” featured a skeleton dressed like a pirate hanging from a noose. Oddly, the Black Student Union took this to be a direct reference to lynching, and not a representation of the commonplace practice of hanging pirates.

Marvin “Doc” Cheatham, president of the Baltimore chapter of the NAACP, declared he would be pursuing legal action against the university and the fraternity. He later apologized for misrepresenting himself, citing the fact that a special concentration in angry liberalism did not constitute holding a doctorate.

Sigma Chi had used Facebook.com to organize the party, noting in the invitation that Baltimore was “the hivpit” and that partygoers should sport “bling bling,” “ice,” and “forty acres and a mule.”

Sigma Chi has also been put on suspension by its national fraternity and cancelled its annual haunted house for community children. The future of the chapter remains to be seen. Political correctness still reigns supreme at America’s institutions of higher learning, much to the disappointment of community children.

However, nothing was done about “Doc” Cheatham’s blatantly racist “Halloween in the Hamptons” party, whose invitation suggested that guests “not be able to jump.”

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