Original Article: http://dartreview.com/archives/2006/11/28/the_week_in_review.php
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Kappa Force-Fed Minimum Serving
Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority recently received a token slap-on-the-wrist punishment following an incident at a house event on October 9, which resulted in the arrests of 11 Kappa members for alcohol related charges. Who says nobody rages anymore? Evidently, the Kappa sisters have the right idea. Not, however, according to the Organizational Adjudication Committee and the Committee on Standards, who passed out—not due to alcohol consumption—the charge, which cited that Kappa violated the College Standard of Conduct for threatening or causing harm to individuals, as well as the terms of its probation. The organization dodged the more serious hazing violation and will only be put on social probation until March 27, 2007. The lesser charge and subsequent probation was attributed to the fact that “the College tries to work with some measure of accountability and a lot of emphasis on education and prevention,” according to Dean Nelson. Although, to what extent the ruling will quell such incidences in the future is dubious.
Rage.
Great American Beer Festival 2006
Over 41,000 beer enthusiasts recently celebrated the twenty-fifth annual Great American Beer Festival in Denver, Colorado; medals were awarded to the top brews and brewers around the country. The festival boasted the largest gathering of different beers at any single event in the world—that is, according to the Guinness World Book of Records. Is any more validation needed? I think not.
More than 2,400 varieties of beer were tasted in sixty-nine different categories, each based on unique styles and flavors. Over 100 “beer professionals” were in charge of judging, choosing the top three brews in each category. While the professionals were hard at work, visitors at the three-day festival were able to sample the selection of delectable brews in one-ounce plastic cups. In addition to the booze, festival goers were treated to the luxuries of live music, food, and designated driver volunteers.
Keystone Light was not present at the event.
Wanted: Green Bus
WANTED: Strapping, young, granola eaters, who dig saving nature and meeting super-duper cool folks from all over the country. Passive interest in Frisbee encouraged but not required. Must be a DOC veteran with social skills who can pretend to be normal.
That venerable, long-running Dartmouth tradition, known by the grandiose moniker: “The Big Green Bus,” will apparently roll again next summer, having selected 13 crew members for the coming tour. It will be the bus’s third year on the road; however, the selection of the new crew members was accompanied by outrage from those not selected. Citing the closeted nature of the selection process, many were disconcerted by how the four-person selection committee only selected friends and acquaintances.
Case in point, “I know people,” was the response of one new ‘busser’ when pressed on why she thought she made the ‘cut.’ Committee member Andrew Zabel ’09, responded to accusations by pointing out how the bus—long a bastion of Ultimate Frisbee players—only has one Frisbee representative this year. This may, however, undermine the mission statement found on the Big Green Bus’ own website: “the Big Green Bus is rolling across the United States to pursue two goals: raising awareness of alternative fuels and promoting the sport of Ultimate Frisbee.” Amen to that.
Most Influential Fictional Characters of All Time: Wandering Jew at #92
USA Today recently released a list of the most influential fictional characters of all time. Notable appearances on the list include King Kong and The Little Tramp (Ann Darrow?) at number seventy-four and seventy-three respectively. Tarzan and James Bond fought a battle for the most influential figure of masculinity, with the raw wilderness appeal of Tarzan at number forty-nine barely edging out the more sophisticated Bond at number fifty-one.
Two iconic names in American culture stood face to face just short of the top ten, with Uncle Tom barely beating out Jim Crow, showing once and for all that fictional minorities create a much bigger stir in the American public conscious than fictional symbols of racial oppression.
Despite the race war, however, both scored better than Oedipus, the original motherf----r, at number fourteen. The most influential figure of all time was the Marlboro man, promoting a carefree culture of rugged individualism and chain smoking to young children in America for decades. In close second was Big Brother, famous for almost the exact opposite (except for the chain smoking). Oddly missing from the list were numerous pop-cultural icons such as Harry Potter and Jared, of Subway fame. This exclusion is especially strange, considering the inclusion of some more ambiguous figures such as The Wandering Jew at number ninety-two.
Ten Things Men Can Do to End Violence Against Women
Paraphrased from a Center for Women and Gender Blitz Bulletin
1. Acknowledge how evil your cruel, perverse soul really is. All men are horny, heartless, malicious creatures even Jesus can’t love.
2. Stop trying to impress buddies with socially-ingrained male actions. You don’t have to adjust your package while giving a public speech.
3. DON’T stand outside of frats with a shopping cart waiting for your “date,” even if you are just taking her home.
4. Poison-tipped blow darts? Bad decision; the poison is pricey.
5. Stop attributing violence against women to men who use violence against women. It’s your personal fault and responsibility for everything men do. This includes, but is not limited to, the whole O.J Simpson imbroglio.
6. Be considerate. Vomit stains are a poor accessory for anyone’s clothing.
7. If you want to play “punch for punch” with a woman make sure she’s agreed in writing first.
8. Break out of the “man box.” And into the “man death-cage of male-targeted violence superdome.”
9. Silence only affirms the problem. Speak out and kick a non-woman. Start with a cute puppy or small MALE child.
10. Give up women and masturbate. (At least your hand doesn’t make you buy it dinner.)
More Movies About Beer
Dartmouth is said to be where the game of “beer pong” originated. It is fitting, then, that the makers of a new documentary chronicling the history of beer pong were at our College on the Hill to interview students about the popular drinking game. The new documentary will cover all forms of beer pong, but mainly the bastardized “Beirut” nee Dartmouth’s original beer pong—the reason being that Beirut has become a very popular college staple, appealing to people of all ages and backgrounds. This is probably because it requires less skill, lacking the modified ping-pong paddle and allowing players to toss the ping pong ball, rather than hit it, into the cups. Soft. The original “Beirut” game is still unique to Dartmouth, proving definitively that Dartmouth students are the true “son(s)-of-a-gun for beer.”
The documentary, scheduled to be released in 2007, will follow the origins of pong—right here at Dartmouth—to its rise as a college student’s favorite drinking game, existing in some form or another at campuses across the nation. The game has even transcended the college level; according to the filmmakers, it has become a popular tournament-style game at bars with prizes upwards of $1,000 a game. The filmmakers hope that the popularity of the game will extend even beyond the bar and college scenes and into the mainstream, a reasonable assumption given the recent popularity of such films as “Beerfest” which prominently featured the game.
This documentary will hopefully garner some positive attention for Dartmouth after the recent lampooning the College received thanks to the comments of a certain Athletic Director.
Blitz-mail Etiquette
From the Computing Services web page
It is recommended that you be considerate with the content and tone of your BlitzMail messages. Remember, that the privacy of electronic mail falls somewhere between a postcard and a letter; therefore caution is in order. The context of a conversation is not always as easily conveyed as it is in person or over the telephone. Follow these conventions to help express yourself properly when using electronic mail:
Point: ALL CAPITALS ARE OFTEN INTERPRETED AS YELLING AT SOMEONE and are more difficult to read, so don’t use them excessively.
Point: When making a joke, add :-) to make a “smiley face.” (Tip your head to the left and you will see a face with a grin.)
Point: Since most electronic mail doesn’t support italics, use surrounding asterisks to indicate emphasis, for example: *oops*.
Brown Embraces Northern Slavery
According to Brown University’s Committee on Slavery and Justice, much of the labor initially needed to build the school was provided by slaves, including the construction of Brown’s University Hall (which calls into question the placement of its apostrophe: Brown’s University Hall, or Browns’ University Hall?). The Committee suggested that Brown create a memorial to slavery (in addition to the already-existing University Hall, apparently), and pursue the earth-shattering policy of recruiting minority students.
Dartmouth’s Ozzie Harris, ’81, outgoing director of the Office of Institutional Diversity and Equity, found parallels at Dartmouth; he astutely observed that when it comes to slavery, “…advantaged families…probably have ties to Dartmouth.” Along similar intellectual lines as Mr. Harris’ insight and Brown’s atonement-through-recruitment plan (otherwise known as affirmative action), a measure has recently been proposed to German lawmakers: offer discounted airfare to Germany for Jewish tourists as a way to, you know, make it up to them.
Social Unrest at North Dakota
Last weekend, horror struck North Dakota. Thousands of offended fans were seen streaming out of the University of North Dakota’s football stadium. It wasn’t a bomb scare or even poor football. No, the fans’ feelings were hurt. One man declined to comment on the situation, citing severe emotional distress. Several other patrons were seen curled up in the fetal position outside the stadium, their bleeding hearts next to them on the North Dakota soil. What caused such mass panic?
It turns out that the home team had worn its usual uniforms and played on its usual field. The team, nicknamed the “Fighting Sioux,” brandished the image of a young Native American warrior upon their field and uniforms.
The warrior is an insensitive caricature of the complex culture of native peoples across the country. Enlightened, socially aware members of society—namely the NCAA—labeled the symbol of hatred as “hostile and abusive.” Quite the understatement. But why was such blatant oppression and hatred allowed? And in post-season NCAA play!
It turns out the unthinkable had happened: a federal judge had granted the state of North Dakota an injunction, allowing the liberty-hating state government to force its insensitive mascot upon the University. The NCAA had banned the school from using its “Fighting Sioux” mascot in post-season play, but the judge ruled that college sports’ governing body had violated its own bylaws and could not force the school to stop its campaign of hate.
The judge, clearly hiding a Fascist agenda of oppression, said “Obviously, this is a very emotional issue, a very controversial issue and a very sensitive issue.”
Obese Seek Academic Recognition, Alliance with NADs
In colleges across America another “unfairly marginalized” group has begun to demand a little bit more love and attention for yet another area of interdisciplinary studies that amounts to little more than glorified whining: “Fat Studies”. The National Conference in the Area of Fat Studies describes the field as one that “critiques cultural constraints against the fat body… and creates paradigms for the development of fat acceptance within mass society”. Translated: “Just leave us alone, all we want to do is eat”.
To accompany this mockery of academia across universities, the Fat Studies advocates have recently produced a “Fat Studies Reader” including such classic essays as “Sir Mix-A-Lot: Prophet or Player?” and “Size 16: Your Ticket to Free First Class.” These courses hope to dispel “rumors” surrounding obesity such as studies proving its relation to such minor health conditions as Type 2 diabetes, strokes, and a variety of cancers. As Cookie Woolner, a size 18 stripper attending San Francisco State put it: “You can be a cigarette smoking junkie but as long as you’re thin, people will think you’re healthy.” Sadly, SF State lacks a Fat Studies department; Ms. Woolner must find time to cram cookies down her throat all by her lonesome.
Predictably, proponents of this brave new field describe it as a sister subject to areas such as queer studies or women’s studies, which is actually a rather astute comparison, considering the time and money wasted by such similar appalling appeals to the PC police. Look for FADs (Fats at Dartmouth) to launch a case for a start-up program on campus next fall.