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The Week In Review

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Otto, Former College Librarian, Passes Away

A pioneer of library technology and the first female to lead the Dartmouth College Library, Margaret A. Otto died Sunday, December 10, 2006.

Born in Boston in 1937, Otto attended Boston University where she received a Bachelor’s in English literature. She then earned a Master of Science and Master of Art from the Simmons College School of Library Science. When she retired in 2000, she split her time between Cape Cod and Hanover. Her battle with cancer ended in Hanover. Otto was survived by two sons and two grandchildren.

Otto lead the Dartmouth Library for twenty-one years starting in 1979. Among her notable accomplishments were the inception of the Library’s online catalog (one of the first in the nation), a new focus on customer service among the Library staff, and the creation of a new preservation department. Also during her tenure the Library completed several large construction projects on campus, including renovations in Webster hall, expansion in the Paddock Music Library, and the addition of the Matthews-Fuller Biomedical Library and Berry Library.

Said President James Wright, “Margaret was a wonderful colleague and friend - and for so many years stewarded Dartmouth libraries to best serve our faculty and students. We will surely miss her, but her legacy lives on in so many ways on the Dartmouth campus and beyond.”

Greeks Finally Recognized for Progress

The AFA (Association of Fraternity Advisors) presented Dartmouth with the Outstanding Change Initiative award, which is given annually to an institution that has made “tremendous progress and improvement in their fraternity/sorority community within the past year,” according to the AFA, an international organization that provides resources, recognition and support for campus fraternity and sorority advising professionals. Dan Nelson, acting Dean of the College, commented that he was pleased and that he feels that Dartmouth has put in a lot of effort to the Greek system over the last few years. Deb Carney, assistant Dean of Residential life and Director of CFS, says that Dartmouth received the award, in large part, because of the strength of action plans developed every year by each coed, fraternity, or sorority organization.

Improvements in all areas, from GPAs to growing numbers of CFS organization members and increased community service all contributed to Dartmouth being awarded this honor. Curiously, no mention was made of the inordinately high volumes of Keystone voraciously guzzled every weekend by members of these same Greek organizations.

Freshman Demolishes Dorm, Falls on Leftover Grenade

Fresh off the heels of an explosive first term in the all-freshman Choates cluster, controversy has once again erupted in the aesthetically offensive yet oh-so-friendly dormitories. The fall term saw the rise of student-sponsored arson, publicly organized orgies advertised through hijacked Tri-Kap blitzes, and Madame Choates’ discount brothel. In this spirit, the cluster recently regained campus-wide attention when a student sent out unedited BlitzMail messages reporting his latest rash of poor judgment: a violent rampage spanning multiple buildings. Concerned residents informed their community director to avoid footing the bill. Each of the messages, some of which explicitly requested anonymity, included the names of the witness making the report. Kristin Deal, the community director who unwittingly violated the confidence of multiple residents, reassured the community the incident was merely a “miscommunication.” This failed to comfort residents, who are all too familiar with miscommunication since they learned of Madame Choates’ latest outbreak via the Bored at Baker website.

East Wheelock Student Loses Plant; Pot Prices Up

>Date: 16 Jan 2007 23:34:33 -0500
>From: XXXXXX
>Subject: lost ivy
>To: (Recipient list suppressed)

hey,
i left my plant (ivy on a curvy blue glass vase) on the andres common room to be watered during brake [sic]. Has anyone seen it?


Love, Love

Peace

What is Blind Luck?

While Career Services may assure us our life dangles precariously from our college performance, one Dartmouth dropout provided new hope last fall. A former member of the class of 2001, Christian Haines stepped into the Jeopardy studio short a degree yet confident his aborted experience as a music major would pull him through. After six years of recuperation from his stint in Bones Gate fraternity, he bowled over his competition for four straight games before finally ceding to the competition in the fifth match-up. Haines racked up $105,000 in winnings and has returned to campus to finish his course of study at the College. He went on to discuss how he observed Alex Trebek in action, who he reports is “a pretty sweet dude” and that “he’s not so bad for a Canadian.”

Trebek commented that Haines mastered the Potent Potables catergory as only a Dartmoth man could.

Next Time, Skip the Condom

Janet H. Lee would make Sigmund Freud proud. A senior at the all-women’s Bryn Mawr College, in 2003 when airport screeners discovered a severe case of penis envy in her luggage: three “stress relief toys” composed of condoms filled with flour. After the white powder falsely tested positive for heroin, she was held in jail for three weeks before her story finally checked out. On January 4th, she settled her civil-rights case out of court in lieu of a trial, bagging $180,000 in damages. She hopes to use the money to finance her graduate studies after majoring in comparative literature. Lee has received some criticism for not knowing smugglers carry drugs in condoms. In her defense, she claims “I was naive, really stupid,” a fault to which she also attributes her choice of major and resulting ambition for graduate school.

One Way to Fix a Losing Team

Title IX claimed 155 victims at Virginia’s James Madison University. In a move that will eliminate ten sports teams (well, nine teams and men’s gymnastics), the university’s Board of Visitors voted to uphold its decision to better comply with the 1972 Education Amendments.

The university has a female dominated student body (61 to 39 per cent), yet among athletes the split is 51 to 49. “Fundamentally out of compliance [with Title IX],” the Board turned to a consultant to assess the situation.

After having “explored every avenue in search of an alternative to this action,” JMU will cut seven men’s teams (archery, cross country, gymnastics, indoor track, outdoor track, swimming, and wrestling) and three women’s teams (archery, gymnastics, and fencing).

With 720 athletes, JMU ranks seventh among NCAA Division I schools in total number of athletes. University officials say this created “an insurmountable challenge.”

The affected athletes are not laying down, however. Protesting in front of the Department of Education, athletes, parents, coaches, and alumni expressed their disgust with the outdated law and general socialist tendencies of the Department.

Liberated Monkeys Throw Feces in Excitement

The animal rights activists’ quest to end cures for disease has garnered yet another regrettable victory. The University of Connecticut Health Center had been forced to shut down their neuroscience research due to supposed animal rights violations committed during experimentation on test-monkeys. The scientists were in the process of finding methods to diagnose stroke, progressive supranuclear palsy and other diseases when the United State Department of Agriculture accused the scientists of failing to provide the test-monkeys with “alternatives to potentially painful or distressful procedures.” This goal, however, was all but unattainable, since the scientists had to drill holes in the monkeys’ skulls and insert metal coils into their brains in order to gather relevant data.

During experimentation, two of the monkeys honorably gave their lives to the cause of medical research. However, knowing that the monkeys died in the pursuit of obtaining valuable medical information was not solace enough for Justin Goodman, the resident animal rights malcontent. After learning that the two monkeys, named Cornelius and Lips, had perished, Goodman decided to do what all animal-lovers do when an animal is sacrificed for greater good: stage a protest. Goodman voiced his fury by chaining himself to a railing and shouting belligerently outside a gala hosted by the UConn President Philip E. Austin. According to sources, no pipe bombs were used in the protest, which was viewed as a stunning act of restraint by those in animal rights community.

One monkey, named Mowgli, survived experimentation. Goodman and his animal rights thugs attempted to move Mowgli to an animal sanctuary, but their efforts were in vain—the monkey was transported to another research facility in Mississippi. Perhaps this time the scientific researchers will be able to conduct vital research without the interference of raucous animal rights ideologues and their bureaucratic cohorts. We can only hope.

Mindless Morons Marvel at Mad Money

There is a growing craze on college campuses for stock tips from an unhinged analyst who appears to be perpetually tweaked out. A self-described “sad clown with bad jokes,” the host of Mad Money, Jim Cramer, has developed a loyal cult following in the coveted 18 to 24 year-old demographic using many of the techniques found in children’s programming. It seems that all it takes to captivate American college students are shiny objects and funny sounds. Through the use of a soundboard, Cramer explains some of the complicated economic issues of the day. A small feat for this former hedge fund manager well versed in the ways of shameless self-promotion, kudos to him for making ideas like “buy low, sell high” understandable to even the most inept and child-like minds. CNBC hasn’t had this kind of quality programming since Dennis Miller was cancelled.

In essence, Cramer has created a new paradigm of success for all of the idiot savants with Harvard business degrees. We can’t wait to see which political pundit is waiting in the wings to replace him.

Hazed and Confused

McGill University has published a list of forbidden hazing activities, which makes more explicit the ban on hazing that was in place. The changes follow a hazing scandal involving McGill’s football team last semester. Senior members of the team reportedly threatened to sodomize rookie players with a broomstick. The coach of the football team conducted an internal investigation and has suspended six players at this point.

In response to this scandal, the University created a set of guidelines that listed specific actions now to be forbidden. Among these include: calisthenics not related to a sport, nudity (forced or voluntary), whipping, the use of a cat-o’-nine-tails, vandalism of one’s own body, consuming alcohol, and broomstick penetrations not related to consensual sexual encounters.

The director of student services at Université du Quebec à Montreal, when asked what her university would change in its hazing rules she replied nothing, saying, “We are not a church.”

(Some) Charges (Finally) Dropped Against Duke Laxers

After the district attorney in the Duke lacrosse case, Mike Nifong, mishandled crucial DNA evidence and the stripper-turned-accuser changed the details of her testimony, rape charges against three Duke lacrosse players were dropped last month. Nifong, who retained evidence from the defense, is now being charged by the North Carolina State Bar for ethics violations. These violations also include prejudicial comments made about the suspects. The three students’ DNA failed to appear on the undergarments of the alleged victim or even on the victim herself. Furthermore, the accuser could not confirm that she had actually been sexually penetrated at a team party, despite her original statement making that claim.

The three athletes still face charges of sexual assault and kidnapping. Nifong, in a long overdue move, has since stepped down from prosecuting the case and turned all evidence and jurisdiction over to North Carolina’s Attorney General. The mother of one of the accused players has pulled no punches in expressing her sentiments about Nifong, saying that she will “make him pay for this every day of his life.”

In other news, Nifong’s proctologist has issued a statement, saying only, “I have located Mr. Nifong’s head.”

Duke’s Great White Defendant Still Screwed

On January 4, 2007, a complaint was filed in Durham Superior Court, alleging that former Duke University student Kyle Dowd was unjustly failed by his professor Kim Curtis after the Duke Lacrosse team’s sexual escapades resulted in a stripper accusing three players of rape. While Mr. Dowd was a member of the team, he was not one of the three students implicated in the rape. The complaint claims that Professor Curtis discriminated against Mr. Dowd after learning of the rape charges, failing him without merit. It should be noted that Professor Curtis is a known feminist and suspected misandrist. Although Mr. Dowd has a better case than most, if the court rules in his favor it will give new hope to lethargic students everywhere when they realize it is possible to sue for a grade rather than earn it.

This is evidenced by the fact that when Dartmouth students were asked to comment on this case, the overwhelming response was, “Really? We can do that?”

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