Original Article: http://dartreview.com/archives/2007/02/11/the_week_in_review.php
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Deal With It
The Choates housing cluster received an extraordinarily informative blitz from Community Director Kristen Deal on January 31st. The blitz referenced the heinous practice of an ancient barbarian ritual known as “water pong” by nerds, creative loners, sub-free boarders, and other social outcasts. Despite the obvious argument against defiling the holy sport of pong with non-alcoholic beverages, the enlightened and benign Ms. Deal provided sound scientific argument against the sport.
First, though some have made the argument that playing legal pong in a residence hall is a legitimate alternative to weathering the cold, Deal articulately criticizes these weaklings, urging them to forge the rugged individualism and spirit of the North Country within themselves. There is no doubt that she means the best for the Dartmouth community and is only trying to cull the weak from the herd, in order to more efficiently slaughter them.
Second, the sport is messy. At least its legitimate alcoholic counterpart results in colorful displays of half-digested dishes. There is absolutely no gastroenterological value to water pong.
Third, water pong falls squarely within the realm of “endangering behavior”. Those who choose to eschew alcohol and stay in have a documented tendency to be violent. These pocket-protecting ruffians must be kept in check at every turn.
Finally, in her coup d’état, Ms. Deal argues that water pong is far more dangerous than the kind that causes people to black out, vomit, and become comatose. At least individuals realize as they become intoxicated with alcohol. Water, however, is far stealthier in its assault on the body. While water intoxication is indeed a plausible health risk, the troglodytes who would rather stay in and play water pong instead of beer pong rarely actually drink the water and instead simply put it aside. The “sport” is deadly, ungentlemanly, and unbecoming of proper undergraduates, to say nothing of the water it wastes. (Oh, the sustainability!)
To preempt any criticism that could arise, such as “What’s the deal?” or “Why can’t you just deal?” or the ever popular “What the deal is?” Ms. Deal points would-be critics of her policy to an article in which someone died in an equally heinous game, in which the participants had to retain water or else lose the favor of their god: Wii.
In similar news, an anonymous Dartmouth alumnus working for Nintendo verified that plans are in the works for Wii Pong, if only to validate students who enjoy sitting in their dorm rooms and drinking alone.
IFC Overhauls Guidelines for New Frats
Since the Student Life Initiative moratorium on new residential Greek houses at Dartmouth was lifted in 2005, several organizations have sought recognition as colonies, a tentative step toward gaining full fraternity or sorority status. The all-male group Alpha Epsilon Pi failed once again to obtain approval from the Inter Fraternity Council. However, the Panhellenic Council, which governs sororities, opened its doors to international sorority Alpha Phi, hoping to ease the membership crunch that existing sororities face.
The IFC set in place new guidelines and approval policies that they hope will address the latest criticism of its previous, more ambiguous processes. Under the new policy, approval is based on a concrete series of objectives that potential fraternities must meet and pass before applying for colony status. In addition, the changes take the responsibility of establishing new chapters out of the hands of alumni and national groups and place it in the hands of undergraduates. The Council hopes this will create founding classes that are more involved and aware of the social and physical constraints of current Greek life in Hanover.
A survey sent to members of Greek houses by the IFC showed that existing houses saw themselves as relatively entrenched in social life. Frats currently on campus have a niche for themselves within their various social and athletic circles, and are unlikely to cede prestige to new Greek organizations. As with the free market, however, the addition of new houses would bolster competition and increase accountability among existing houses.
In addition to these changes, the IFC policy requires that all houses have competitive membership numbers and demonstrate a dedicated base of Dartmouth men. Alpha Epsilon Pi was met with skepticism in past attempts for recognition because of their relatively low prospective member base, which may be inadequate to properly establish a viable house. This problem is made more glaring when one observes that 60% of all eligible male students are already affiliated with existing houses.
In addition to these considerations, when looking at applicant houses, the IFC will also examine the fraternity’s success on other campuses, the alumni base, and the professionalism of the house’s support staff.
Sorority Rush Numbers Bounce Back
The administration has a new obstacle in their never-ending desire to reign in the Dartmouth Greek System: women.
This winter saw a record number of females rushing sororities since the onset of the Fall term as the primary recruitment term three years ago. Eighty-seven bids were awarded to women, more than double last year’s total. Women who rush in the Winter instead of the Fall typically do so because of an off term, a study abroad program, or an inability to complete their pledge term in the Fall season.
This year’s winter rush included a new sorority, Alpha Phi, which recruited thirteen new members. Even excluding the addition of Alpha Phi, sorority rush saw exceptional recruitment numbers in both the Fall and Winter terms.
The fraternities continued to have solid recruitment numbers in the Winter term, with thirty-three bids awarded, roughly equaling to last year’s total.
Despite the controversy surrounding Alpha Delta’s police investigation last spring, the closure of Zeta Psi this fall, and Kappa Kappa Gamma’s recent hazing fiasco, student participation in the Greek system remains high. Perhaps the administration should finally abandon their quest to make Dartmouth less defined by its hallowed Greek culture, for Dartmouth men and women alike have made it clear that the Greek system is here to stay.
Get ‘em While They’re Young
The question: “How would a group of 12 college students invest $300,000?” The answer will come when the new Investment and Philanthropy Program gives Dartmouth students that very opportunity. Starting in February the group, which has yet to be announced, will begin managing their own portfolio. Sadly, the program’s administrators recognize that, if left to their own devices, most students would most likely invest in Cheetos and porn; accordingly, they will be monitored by an advisory board, composed of Dartmouth alumni with backgrounds in finance or investment banking. However, it is stressed that the board will only provide advice to encourage intelligent investments, not make decisions for them.
The group will be comprised of a variety of students, not just those interested in career in finance, which is probably a good idea since the program’s lack of lucrative rewards would undoubtedly fail to garner the attention of Dartmouth’s financially savvy go-getters. David Russ, the College’s Chief Investment Officer, describes the group’s goals: “[T]he main aim of this group is for the students to have fun. The board will help to set up the program and then not interfere in the students’ decisions.” We’ll see how long he remains this optimistic, as it is likely the money will be pissed away as quickly as a case of Keystone on Saturday night.
Theta Delt Snuffed Out by Candlelight Vigil
A typical party at Theta Delta Chi fraternity was canceled last weekend due to a large gathering of dudes who just aren’t that sweet and don’t really hang out. The unbathed masses gathered outside the fraternity’s front door—candles, ponchos, and djimbe drums aplenty—in protest of a mass blitz sent by the fraternity that they construed as demeaning to women and making light of sexual assault. Said one protestor, “We’re here to show them that…oh, s--t! I just burned myself with candle wax.”
When Phi Delt Created the World
God rigged a creation scene with heaven and earth, and the earth was no more than a simple rig. And God said “let there be light @ now”, and there was light, and the rig was A-side. And he called the dark rig night and the light rig day and decided that’s what the scene is going to look like from then on. And god sorted the various rigs into sea, sky and earth. This was also A-side. God proceeded to rig rigs for six days, and they were all A-side. And on the seventh day, God fired up a do nothing scene. It was also A-side.
—Idan Ariel ‘08, via thefacebook.com
Sell Your Soul for Poetry (and an A)?
Montgomery Fellow and former Maryland poet laureate Lucille Clifton will be teaching on campus this term. Clifton is a distinguished poet who has received the National Book Award, won the Emmy Award, and has been nominated for the Pulitzer Prize twice. Clifton’s poems, including “poem to my uterus” and “to my last period”, are considered some of the most eloquent and insightful pontifications on African American culture and womanhood. Clifton believes in an intimate teaching style in which she interacts closely with students and places emphasis on community building. Unequivocal about her passion, she has claimed that she would eschew the multitude of benefits to be gained from becoming an intrinsically better person to be able to write better poetry. This is rooted, presumably, in her belief that poetry is an essential ingredient in being successful at anything, either professionally or personally. She even claims “if you have poetry in your heart, you’ll be a better surgeon.” Dartmouth Medical School students were too tired to comment.
Keeping Up With the Joneses
Dartmouth earned an A- from the Sustainable Endowments Institute. The award was given for such admirable efforts such as depriving students of the ability to take healthy Home Plate food to go, wasting money and manpower to put up annoying energy conservation stickers that are almost universally ignored, and refusing guests to the Provost’s office any kind of disposable materials. However, lest Jim Merkel fear that this might reduce him to (further) irrelevance, the College only received a C in its investment priorities. Keep your eyes open for a new crusade to squander college funds on local head shops, antique stores, and maple syrup communes in the near future.
Uh-Oh!
In a stunning show of incompetence, the Student Assembly failed miserably to provide to students the luxury of “Uh-oh!” blitzes during the Fall term. Ever since 2001, the Assembly has sent emails to all students currently on campus reminding them of important deadlines, such as using an NRO, finalizing classes, interim housing, and the last day for dropping classes. Sadly, students greatly underestimate the blood, sweat, and tears that go into constructing an effective “Uh-oh!” blitz. As the Assembly was reminded when a crucial piece of Uh-oh legislation was brought forth, the process is absolutely arduous. Not only must someone log onto the appropriate blitz account, but they must also use the appropriate blitz list before typing their message. Citing difficulties obtaining lists of students currently on campus, the Assembly has recently decided to delegate the Uh-oh! responsibility to the registrar’s office. This of course overlooks the fact that not all Uh-oh! blitzes are related to the registrar’s office, and the fact that it admits the SA can’t handle fifteen minutes of responsibility per term. After contacting SA for comment, Timmy forwarded us to his customer support center in Bangalore where a jovial fellow named Bob told us it was under control.
Flag on the Field
The NCAA has decided to maintain its existing policy regarding the display of Confederate flags in the states of South Carolina and Mississippi. The committee recognized these schools do not have control over where the flag is placed during games, especially if the flag is not on a college campus or other public land. The committee made a distinction between the flag and the indian mascots because colleges and universities have control over where such a mascot would appear but can do nothing about the appearance of Confederate flags. The NCAA will continue to push to purge all cultural memory of the Civil War by maintaining pressure on the various states to forcefully eliminate public expression of both the mascot and the flag.
DartMoose Sought in Assault Case
Omens abound: the moose is the enemy of all undergraduates. Amy Walters, who was violently assaulted by a moose’s head at Penn State Lafayette, is suing the campus for negligence. The moose, which attacked the innocent woman from behind as she was bent over looking through a microscope, continues to haunt the victim to this day. Ms. Walter contends that the moose dropped on her from behind and violently subdued her. Speaking on her behalf, attorney Sean P. Duff recounts the horrific event: “The impact of the moose... striking Ms. Walters caused immediate pain in her head and caused Ms. Walters to see spots.” The emotional trauma of the attack was so severe that the victim was unable to finish her academic task and had to be rushed to the hospital. Worse yet, Ms. Walters reported suffering continued nausea and severe headaches in the wake of moose’s unwanted physical advances on her.