The Secret of Activism

By Cate Lunt | Monday, July 16, 2007

The class of 2007 is the worst class in the history of Dartmouth.

Whoa, did I get your attention? Yeah, I tend to do that. Goes with the job description of “free thinker.” You’re probably shaking in your boots about what I could have meant by such a subversive observation. To explain, I’ll first allude to my brief yet accurate history of humankind.

It’s obvious to anyone paying attention that capitalism’s inherent contradictions are bringing it to an end. This end may seem drawn out and may even appear to be a triumph, but can this triumphalism be a symptom of anything but failure? Clearly yes. Late capitalism, however, has still more insidious predecessors because it poisons people’s intellects—enslaving not only their bodies but now also minds. What is “choice” but the “off-shoring” of formerly overt capitalist totalitarianism to the individual mind?

So, as each generation comes through Dartmouth, itself a symbol of patriarchal oppression, and fails to overthrow the existing phallocratic system, the crime becomes ever more tremendous, the failure ever more reprehensible. Therefore, at the time, the class of 2006 was the worst class ever; a year elapsed; no revolution in consciousness took place; now the sevens assume the mantle of “worst class ever.” I am an idealist, and therefore am obliged to serve as a beacon of hope to light the way, yet even I am more or less certain that the eights, nines, and also tens will also each emerge as new lows—unless people perform a subversive, deconstructivist reading of the writing on the wall.

I have an idea, which I call my “secret,” which is really the secret that underpins all truly idealist, know-no-boundaries activism. It is the teaching that has also underpinned lots of spiritualism, like super cool Buddhism, which is: we need to become more comfortable with ourselves, more in touch with our desires. I feel that if we say what we want, regardless of what is possible, we’ll really win people over, and finally this revolution in consciousness will happen, and humanity will finally “get it.” By unashamedly chronicling our desires in the open, we can actually achieve them. That’s the secret. Somewhat obvious, and yet—not obvious! That’s why it’s a “secret.” So what are we waiting for? As ever, I’ll lead the way.

THE SUBVERSIVE AND EARTH-SHATTERING DESIRES OF CATHERINE ELIZABETH LUNT, VOLUME 1.

When I begin to like a band, I want every one else to like that band. When I cease liking a band, I want all earthlings to follow suit.

I want a Baby Ruth bar. Two, actually.

When a professor gives me less than an A on an assignment, I want he or she to awaken to a hell more terrible than anything imagined in the history of Western monotheism.

I want an omniscient, anthropomorphic tabby cat to run my errands, slay my enemies, and whisper amusing witticisms into my ear.

I want to feel like it’s OK to live.

I want other people to picture me as the most perfect being in history. (Is that wrong, LOL?)

I want my sexual desires to be considered profound, morally elevated, and perhaps a good subject for several book-length scholarly investigations.

I want to live in state of physical bliss from which I can view the sufferings of others and take immense joy.

When I do a good deed, I want people to be more grateful, perhaps by demonstrating their gratitude with a doily-covered thank-you note in my Hinman Box.

I want people to react to things I do or say in the same way I would react to them.

I want to be more in tune with my inner Self.

When I run out of Pez, I want my Tweety Bird dispenser to refill itself instantly.

I’d like people to be less selfish and to care about important matters.

Well, that certainly was edifying, was it not? Naturally, the state that Dartmouth’s currently in has thwarted many of my desires and goals. However, reflect on what I’ve said, sevens, and remember that there’s always time to mend your ways.

The Secret of Activism

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