Original Article: http://dartreview.com/archives/2007/09/27/a_dictionary_of_received_ideas.php
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Gustave Flaubert’s Le Dictionnaire des idées reçues was a compilation of clichés current in nineteenth-century bourgeois society. Jacques Barzun’s translated the work in 1954 as The Dictionary of Accepted Ideas. In the spirit of Flaubert and Barzun, here is a guide to living an utterly stale mental life at Dartmouth College.
ACTIVISM. Express mild disparagement to make yourself feel less earnest as you participate. The point is good feeling, not efficacy.
ANIMAL HOUSE. Quote excessively from this film at first. Later, cease and lecture those who continue to do so.
APATHY. Thunder against.
ART. Come out strongly in favor of it.
AUTHENTICITY. What you say in public is an act. What you say in private is authentic. We need to expose the authentic views of everyone for all to see.
AWKWARD. Like “random,” except twisted and violent to your sense of self. See RANDOM.
BETTERMENT. “I love this school/this country/you so much I want to make it/you better.”
BLITZ TERMINAL. If at one of these, you find you haven’t received any blitzes, close and open some already read blitzes for at least thirty seconds, so as not to appear a loser. This is especially important if there is a line for the computer.
BRAFF, ZACH. Enjoy him your freshman year. Thunder against him after that.
CALL-OUTS. Instead of arguing a point, just call out individuals for possessing objectionable views. Observe verbally that you are calling them out.
COLLEGE EMPLOYEES. Thank profusely to assuage your guilt. It bucks them up.
CONDOMS. Possessing these is not only useful but virtuous.
CIGARETTE. Smoking these will turn you bohemian. In your “creative writing” short story, include a character lighting up: profound symbolism.
CLOSE-MINDEDNESS. The condition of being wrong. “Why must everyone be so close-minded?”
DARTMOUTH. Conservative by nature. An intellectual wasteland before 1972.
DARTMOUTH EXPERIENCE. A précis of no more than a paragraph printable in college brochures or alumni newsletters. Must focus on a quirky interest, such as the semiotics of yodeling.
DRUGS. Using them puts you at the vanguard of culture. Note that there is no point to using drugs if you do not advertise this fact later.
THE DARTMOUTH REVIEW. When you see one, let slip a sigh, the kind a tyke might after dropping her ice cream cone. First say, “It’s well written, at least.” Later, furrow your brow and say, “The writing is overblown.”
DELINEATE. Use improperly. “We must delineate between progressive and hurtful laughter.”
DICTATORS. Compare your rhetorical opponents to mustachioed genocides of the twentieth century. Do this as soon as possible.
DIVERSITY. Ethnic diversity. An end in itself.
DOC TRIPS. Usually the best part of your Dartmouth Experience. See DARTMOUTH EXPERIENCE.
ELITISM. Thunder against.
EXPRESSING YOURSELF. The point of life.
FACEBOOK.COM: Thunder against. Monitor hourly.
FEELINGS. Must be protected at all costs. For what does it benefit a campus community to gain the whole world but hurt its feelings?
FEMINISM. Entails making the occasional sassy remark during blitz wars.
FOREIGN STUDY. Useful for finding yourself. Afterwards, post pictures on the facebook of yourself posing with the fascinating brown people you encountered.
FRATERNITIES. Large, brick devices used to oppress people. No members of minority groups have ever been admitted to them, sadly. Frequent these and make yourself feel better by joining progressive facebook groups.
FREAKONOMICS. The greatest book ever written.
FRO-YO. Makes one obese. Observe this aloud while purchasing.
FREE SPEECH. Of course you’re for it. “Duh.” But where do we draw the line? See THE LINE.
GANG SIGNS. Flash them ironically while your picture is being taken.
GREAT BOOKS. “Who says? By whose standards?”
HARVARD. In no way should Dartmouth resemble it.
THE HOP. Purveyor of unhealthy food.
IMAGINATION. Quote Einstein, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”
IMPROV COMEDY. The paragon of humor. See PIRATES.
INDEPENDENT FILM. Synonym of “a good film” or “one that looks good to say is good.”
IRONY. Self-contradiction. Hints at towering smarts within. For good measure, occasionally thunder against.
IVY LEAGUE. An organization that maintains intellectual standards across several schools in the northeast.
JOKES. Should serve a cause, like subverting the patriarchy. Dangerous when used to hold people to normative standards.
KEYSTONE LIGHT. Observe that it is of inferior quality.
THE LINE. Speculate about where to draw it when you panic and can’t think of anything else to say.
MONTREAL. Very edgy city. Debauch yourself here one weekend and tell people about it.
NEOCONSERVATIVE. A useful epithet for undesirable things.
THE NIGHT. If, through protracted rhetorical effort, this can be taken back, all bad things will cease.
OFFENSE. A subjective phenomenon that does not need explanation or rationalization. Not to be confused with CLOSE-MINDEDNESS.
OLD THINGS. Treat as kitsch.
THE OTHER. Use this term instead of “others” or “other people.” Tack onto paper titles when desperate, e.g. “Late Capitalism and the Other.” See also THE SELF.
PANEL DISCUSSION. A more free-wheeling method of presenting information. Often manages to dissolve cultural predicaments in a single stroke.
PATRIOTISM. Creepy. “Dissent is the most powerful form of patriotism.”
THE PAST. Was populated by various racists, misogynists, bullies, twits, and prudes. All else is superfluous.
PHALLIC SYMBOLS. Profound. If you haven’t done the reading, flip to a random page and point one out in class discussion. Must be taller than it is wide, e.g. toothbrush, skyscraper. Smirk and/or giggle while presenting your point to underscore the political mischief of it all.
PIRATES. Hilarious. Handy expression: “Arr!”
POLITICALLY CORRECT. Something left-wing.
POVERTY. Keep an anecdote ready about your life-changing encounter with another’s poverty. Should make you seem magnanimous.
PRIVILEGE. Impute your own privileged status to everyone around you. “We ALL benefit from privilege”: nod gravely and smile grimly.
RACISM. Cute when employed by hipsters. Disastrous in other venues.
RANDOM. Means “endearingly quirky.” “Last night was so random.”
RAPE. Caused by dirty jokes.
RELIGION. Always “organized.” Spirituality is better.
THE RIGHT TO YOUR OPINION. “You have the right to your opinion, but…”
SALTY DOG RAG. A popular tradition, old as the hills.
SPEAKING OUT. Always necessary. Feels good.
THE SPHINX. The tomb contains a swimming pool.
THE SELF. Tack onto paper titles when you are desperate, e.g. “Late Capitalism and the Self.” See also THE OTHER.
SELF-CENSORSHIP. Your staunch refusal to say what’s on my mind.
SELLING OUT. As a joke, refer to your taking a financial job as “selling out.” Placate yourself by reading mediocre poetry.
SEX. An opportunity to demonstrate your broad-mindedness. Fraught with political meaning.
SEX COLUMNIST. A fount of hilarity and self-awareness.
SLUT. Inter-female term of endearment, except when meant in earnest.
STEREOTYPES. Point them out in class discussion if you can’t think of anything to say. All are false and deeply hurtful.
STUDENT ASSEMBLY. Thunder against.
UPTIGHTNESS. Ponder aloud why everyone is so uptight.
VAGINA. Subversive term coined by Eve Ensler. Like kryptonite to sexism.
VOTING. The greatest of activities. What separates us from the chimps. One who abstains should be executed with a small pistol.
WEBSTER, DANIEL. Dartmouth’s greatest admissions tour guide, still quoted today. Problematic in that he said frighteningly little in favor of gender neutral housing.
WHEELOCK, ELEAZAR. A figure of fun. What’s with the hair?