Original Article: http://dartreview.com/archives/2008/09/22/the_real_dartmouth_seven.php
Monday, September 22, 2008
Ahh, the illustrious “Dartmouth Seven”…No, not that “Seven.” Any schmuck leaving a Sig Ep dance party with a hot and bothered girl on his arm can finagle his way into a late night romp on Jimmy Wright’s lawn with a carefully timed: “I don’t think you won’t. I know you won’t.” I’m talking about the real Dartmouth Seven (although I suppose it’s the Dartmouth 15 for the fairer sex)—a licentious visit to the seven sororities. An intrepid young man can pull off the laudable feat in his first year with the appropriate determination. For the less confident, it can take an entire undergraduate experience or, possibly, forever to accomplish. But, when you’re as sweet as I so happen to be, you can help yourself to this smorgasbord of collegiate female delight in just one literally draining night. Allow me to recount:
8:00pm—My bros and I are getting the night started right with some shirts-off-pong in the basement. I’m sinking fulls and dropping liquid courage like it’s my job.
9:30pm—A KDE ‘09 texts me that she’s pissed at her boyfriend and waiting for me in her room.
9:38pm—One down, six to go. There’s an old maxim that goes: “Hang out” with KDEs, but wed a Tri Delt. I can’t speak for the latter half, but the first is certainly true. This girl was carnally adventurous and she dropped a quick six before I left her room for no reason. Awesome. I head back to my room.
9:40-10:53—Shit, Shower, Shave.
11:00pm—Getting my sweaty fist pump on at Chi Gam’s dance party: I kiss a girl and I like it, to paraphrase the song blaring on the dance floor at the time. I take her upstairs to an empty room claiming it’s my own and try to seal the deal. She “doesn’t feel comfortable hooking up in a fraternity,” so I politely follow her to Tri Delt. Things do not progress as planned. Whatever, I was in her bed, and I’m counting it. On the upside, she does offer me a delicious cupcake as a parting gift. I guess it’s true after all…
11:48pm—Off to the “Heaven and Hell” party at Sigma Delt. I get on table with an attractive ’10 sister and ask her if she plays softball or water polo. She doesn’t play either, and she doesn’t look particularly dykey either, so I figure we’re good to go. I’m right. We barely finish our game before “going” all over a pong table in a locked back room. I’m just a renaissance man like that.
12:32am—I find myself at AD and since I still need a Kappa “friend” this is the place to find one. I make a few off-the-cuff jokes about the naked bartenders to the girl waiting for beer next to me. She’s dressed in lazy-rich-hipster-chic. Definitely a Kappa, so I discreetly slide my Ray Ban Wayfarers out of my pocket and slip them on. After much pleading, I let her wear them…all the way back to her room.
1:45am—Wake up from my refueling nap and slam three Envigas.
1:52am—Wandering across the Green towards Frat Row, I strike up a conversation with a Theta ’10 all by her lonesome. I ask to see her house because “I’ve never seen it before and am sure it doesn’t exist.” Yeah, it worked…
2:29am—I stroll into Phi Delt hoping to locate an AZD or two waxing nostalgic about how they used to live across the street before Beta recaptured their house. There happens to be two blond ‘09s sitting along the back wall watching pong, silently. The Phi Delts in the basement are clearly too drunk and/or into their game to make moves, so I step in and ask them if they would actually like to play pong at my house (the girls, not the Phi Delts). They would like to, so we head out.
3:05am—Turns out I didn’t stumble upon two AZD sisters, but two previous freshman year roommates—an AZD and an Alpha Phi, both sisters at two houseless sororities. Looks like this little endeavor of mine could come to a close earlier than expected.
3:20am—My bro that’s playing pong with us passes out in a pile of empty cans and cups in the basement and I knock out the last two birds with one…err…stone. After which, one of them thanks me profusely.
3:34am—Fall asleep with a big ol’ grin on my face.