The Week in Review

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Commitment to Stupidity

In its latest spree of environmental fanaticism, Dartmouth’s administration has made a commitment to both reduce the College’s greenhouse gas emissions 30 percent by 2030 as well as spend a hefty 12.5 million dollars to make energy-saving upgrades to the school’s current buildings. President Wright and the trustees have praised this plan as another example of Dartmouth’s leadership on environmental and climate issues. However, Dartmouth is already regarded as one of the country’s best institutions for sustainability; it earned an A- from the Sustainable Endowments Institute, has recently implemented the Sustainable Living Center, and continuously promotes enviro-friendly projects, such as the Big Green Bus, to educate the Dartmouth community about green issues. Thus, the decision to implement such a long-term, expensive plan, especially in the face of such uncertain economic times for students and the College, seems irresponsible and out of touch with the needs of the students. While we make sure that our College on the Hill remains green, we must also respond in an appropriate manner to current challenges affecting those who determine the character and future of Dartmouth: its students.

Fighting Against the Fighting Sioux

Gone are Dartmouth’s days of the Indian mascot—but that doesn’t mean our Fighting Sioux peers have to give up their darker-complexioned mascot as well. TDR was thoroughly dispirited upon reading an article in North Dakota’s Grand Fork Tribune—written in fact by a fellow Dartmouth student spending a term at the University of North Dakota—railing against that school’s “Fighting Sioux” mascot. In her article, our anonymous junior year peer, who is of Indian ancestry herself, went on to describe a pro-Indian function being held before a school hockey game which included “flag presentations, a history reading, and honor songs” performed by non-offended tribal leaders from the area. She characterized this respectful ceremony as part of a plan by the school’s arena to “try to divide and conquer Indian communities by ruthlessly trying to garner support for the Fighting Sioux logo for the benefit of their offensive traditions and bank accounts.” By refusing to drop her gripe against the completely innocuous “Fighting Sioux” mascot, which she melodramatically claims to make her feel “perpetually angry, saddened, and threatened,” this agitator continues the cycle of unnecessary PC-speckled grievance-peddling that has caused the demise of many institutions, like the cherished Dartmouth Indian mascot. TDR sincerely hopes that she leaves her complaints in North Dakota.

Nader Irrelevant at Any Speed

On Monday October 6, perennial third-party presidential candidate Ralph Nader held a campaign rally at Dartmouth. He described both Barack Obama and John McCain as “puppy dogs subservient to the corporations.” He then reminded those who share this disdain for the two major parties that they have the option of making a futile gesture. He also complained that his candidacy is not taken seriously. America has been truly remiss in its democratic duty. Regarding the possibility that his campaign might cause a Republican victory, Nader sensibly replied that he does not like to ask himself such questions. After all, it’s not like anything like that has ever happened before. He would instead question why Obama neglected “winning issues.” The results of previous elections firmly establish the winning nature of the issues Nader favors. Observing the poor student turnout, Nader criticized Dartmouth’s “sterile political debate,” citing the College’s conservative reputation. Over at TDR, we are taking this criticism to heart, and patting ourselves on the back for a job well done.

Professors Leap to Defense of Unrepentant Terrorist

If you’re looking for a way to break the ice at an upcoming social gathering of both liberals and conservatives, a surefire strategy is to shout “William Ayers” and wait for the group to split along partisan lines. Chances are that physical violence will soon follow. Most conservatives this election cycle see Ayers as the leader of a terrorist group that never apologized and was never punished, and with whom Barack Obama has had some sort of a working relationship. What do liberals see? According to an online petition with close to 3000 signatories from the upper echelons of academia, including professors at Columbia, Cornell, Brown, and Harvard, Ayers is a “Distinguished Professor of Education and Senior University Scholar at the University of Illinois at Chicago, who is currently under determined and sustained political attack.” By way of acknowledging that Ayers was in fact responsible for bombing the New York City police headquarters, the Pentagon and the U.S. Capitol building, the petition allows that Ayers “participated passionately in the civil rights and antiwar movements of the 1960s, as did hundreds of thousands of Americans.” The national political mood being what it is, Barack Obama will probably never have to answer for the relationship the two men have, and Ayers will never have to account for his actions. One worries that this mindset may lead to a decline in the rule of law, however. After all, if 3000 professors say that people don’t need to be judged based on the criminal things they did a few decades ago, we might as well put a five year statute of limitations on all violent crimes.

Sexual Health Rankings

The Sexual Health Report Card, a Trojan-sponsored study rating the sexual health of college campuses nationwide, has ranked Dartmouth 68 out of the 139 colleges surveyed, officially giving Dartmouth the title of least sexually safe Ivy. Dartmouth fell 43 spots in this year’s ranking, from last year’s spot of 25. Stanford University again asserts its drive to succeed and took home first prize with Columbia in close second. Questions have been asked as to the study’s legitimacy, as it drew most of its student feedback via Facebook.com, where only 28 Dartmouth students responded. The study also had incomplete participation from the sexual health offices of participating colleges, including Dartmouth’s. All schools surveyed on average saw a general decrease in their “sexual GPA,” as the study was stricter in its assessments this year.

Endowment decrease

Dartmouth has experienced a decrease in its endowment value, falling $100 million to $3.66 billion, reported to be a result of operational expenses. Even more alarming is a fall in investment rate of return from 23.7% to 0.5% for the 2007-2008 fiscal year. The College has not announced any official plans; however, they claim they will analyze all aspects of spending in attempts to distribute funds appropriately. Expect football to be cut and its funding to be allocated to more affinity housing for students. Basic expenses and salaries remain the College’s top priority, while efforts are being made to leave financial aid unchanged. So while the College’s dining service workers will continue to enjoy their bloated wages, some students may be hard struck to pay for their education. Hey, sometimes nuggets come at a premium. Attitudes from the financial and administrative offices at the College remain confident, as many other colleges with similar financial situations experienced similar changes. Finally, Dartmouth’s long-term investment strategy will remain generally unaffected despite the nation’s current financial crisis.

Celebrities are Usually Right

In the great tradition of reasoned political discourse, and the even greater tradition of celebrities loudly and passionately endorsing Democrats, Dartmouth students were greeted by a visit from Kal Penn and Olivia Wilde of the television show House and Justin Long of Waiting fame. The topic du jour was the Obama candidacy and how important it is to get involved. Not just a little involved, but passionately involved—because Bush and McCain lied to America about nuclear weapons in Iraq, and Barack Obama will evidently never utilize the American military. Ever. Given Bush and McCain were working together for years to destroy the financial markets, it was “scary” that Al Gore lost New Hampshire by 7000 votes in 2000. Also, according to the celebrities, the Bush Administration has never even read the Constitution, whereas Obama is a constitutional law scholar of unprecedented caliber. The important points TDR took away were as follows: Bush lied, kids died; Justin Long’s eyes dart around when he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about; Kal Penn is somehow even more endearing when he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about; Olivia Wilde, the woman who made out with Mischa Barton on The OC, has got our vote, whatever it is she’s talking about.

Tuck Business School Ranked by Economist

As Dartmouth looks to find a new President, there has been quite a bit of talk about integrating and enhancing the College’s graduate programs. One of the most successful of these programs is the Tuck School of Business. On October 6, The Economist ranked the top 100 business schools in the world, and Tuck made quite a showing.

Pulling in as the fifth best business school in the world, Tuck was only topped by two other American schools: University of Chicago and Stanford, which were ranked third and fourth, respectively. The expected favorites, coming in at first and second, were the International Institute for Management Development in Switzerland and the IESE Business School of Barcelona, Spain. One can only imagine how well our beloved Tuckies would do if they could dig their roots into our proud undergraduate campus life; goodness knows the harsh winters and solitude of Hanover must take their toll. To our next esteemed President: there are only four more spots left to take!

Not Too Fat To Die

The Ohio Supreme Court has handed down a landmark decision: you cannot be too fat to die. Richard Cooey, who raped and murdered two University of Akron students more than 22 years ago, will now face death by lethal injection. His attorneys made a last-bid attempt to stay the execution, claiming that he was too fat for the injection team to find a suitable vein to do the deed. This obesity, of course, is the fault of the state: apparently death-row inmates don’t get to stretch their legs and go for a jog too often. Pity them.

Cooey weighs in at a lean 267 lbs., and even his parole board has recommended he be executed. His attorneys have never denied that he is guilty, and he has never expressed remorse. He instead argues that his trial was unfair, that his migraine medication might interfere with the lethal injection cocktail, and now, that he is just too fat to be killed.

TDR does not know if a lethal injection will or will not work for the obese Cooey…but we’re pretty sure that a firing squad would get the job done.

Slavic Immigrants vs. Gay Rights

It’s the showdown we’ve all been waiting for: Slavs versus Gays. Students at American River College in Sacramento, California recently collectively failed to vote in their student elections. As a result, students from the former Soviet Union now hold five of the sixteen seats on the Student Council. And they’ve got an interesting take on gay rights.

Decrying the “homosexual aggressors” who’ve made a “personal choice” is, of course, bad campaign strategy at a Sacramento college, but once you’re elected, everything’s fair game for these brave new politicians. They even managed to push through a vote to back California’s bid to re-ban gay marriage. Interestingly, this Student Council vote managed to draw over 200 outraged students. Considering only 300 students (out of 37,000) voted in the elections, we’re guessing those protesters are feeling mighty silly. Of course, in the grand scheme of things, this controversial Student Council resolution is just that—a piece of paper written by just another college in California. Governor Schwarzenegger will not be staring this document in the face anytime soon. So before anybody closer to home gets any crazy ideas, we’ll remind everyone that student government is still pretty much useless.

E-Textbooks

The University of Texas at Austin is planning to roll out a new initiative to combat the ever-painful cost of purchasing textbooks. In select classes next semester, students will be forced to license—not purchase—e-textbooks from the publishers. Students will not be allowed to use or keep the e-textbooks after their classes end. In addition to that, students would be forced to read their books on their computers.

Though downloading and reading Harry Potter books online—in order to beat the rush on the print edition—is fair game, there should be a better solution to beating expensive textbook prices than e-texts. Here’s one for Dartmouth: forcing Wheelock Books and the Dartmouth Bookstore to actually be in competition with each other, driving prices down, rather than giving Wheelock a de facto monopoly on these precious textbooks.

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