2020: Ameer’s Dartmouth

Banned hard alcohol

Dear Old Dartmouth,

It is with great sadness that I write to you about the situation on the ground at Dartmouth College, the once great College on the Hill…

In 2018, Vice Provost for Student Affairs Inge-Lise Ameer ascended to the Wheelock Succession as the first ever President of Student Affairs, owing to Ameer’s dedication and expertise in the aforementioned area. Jim Kim and Carol Folt have been appointed as Chair and Vice Chair of the Board of Trustees, respectively.

The Senior Vice Provosts, who number in the hundreds, hold regular meetings with RealTalkMatters, BlackLivesBudgeters, and other groups after their daily protests. At a recent town hall, President Ameer appeared receptive to increasing the frequency of these meetings to hourly—but only during business hours, lest administrators ever have to work late.

President Ameer’s Safe Space Security patrols campus looking for triggers and microaggressions. Meanwhile, any macroaggression would trigger an immediate response from the new Bias Incident Response Team, commonly known as SWAT in other parts of the country. In academics, Dartmouth leads the country with a ten course Core Curriculum in diversity, inclusion, social justice, and intersectionality. A recent poll by The New York Times demonstrates that 99% of Dartmouth students are able to name all 68 genders by the time they graduate.

Upon learning of this polling, President Ameer expressed grave concern that not every student was able to name all the genders. Ze is now considering replacing the ableist swim test with a comprehensive assessment on gender and sexuality.

The Economics Department is under increasing duress for its contrarian views. Longtime Professor [REDACTED] is being persecuted for the views expressed in the latest iteration of his finance course. He was recently charged with 17 counts of microaggression and 3 unwarned triggers, as well as the exceptionally egregious violations of “supporting an oppressive, kyriarchal capitalist worldview” and “being a part of a conservative world that is not very nice.”

Professor [REDACTED] is faring little better. He has faced scrutiny for his alleged “insensitivity to people oppressed by imperial industrialists” and “lack of solidarity with the working people of this country” in supporting free trade. President Ameer has already ordered all copies of his book burned. Even Professor [REDACTED] was under investigation for using the classist triggers “rich” and “poor.” He, however, chose to resign rather than face President Ameer’s High Inquisition.

Many students were upset at the continued presence of businesses on Main Street Hanover despite the continuous efforts to regulate them out of existence. As such, President Ameer moved to steamroll the town’s zoning laws, claiming that they were illegitimate on the grounds that they were built upon false capitalist constructs and did not properly recognize Hanover as Abenaki land. Sensing an opportunity, ze has rezoned all of Main Street Hanover into one large gender-neutral bathroom, declaring it to be the greatest innovation since zoning’s invention in 1916.

The year is 2020. A heroic effort was made by those who believe in Dartmouth and the great state of New Hampshire to save this College. Paul LePage, the pugnacious Maine Governor, relocated to New Hampshire and became the 82^nd Governor of New Hampshire in a come-from-behind victory. No stranger to throwing his weight around in education, he joined with Senators Bob Smith and Bill O’Brien while exercising his power as an ex officio trustee of Dartmouth. But it was to no avail.

Hanover asserted its independence from the State of New Hampshire, and Governor LePage was barred from the town by the highly militarized but nontriggering and diversity- and inclusivity-trained Safe Space Security.

It is a sad time for Dartmouth indeed, so we drink to that.

Yours very truly,

Samuel L. Prescott