The Big White Rally

Dartmouth President Phil Hanlon

Ice, ice baby

Dying traditions

Global warming

President Phil Hanlon looked out across the melting snow, a frown breaking his normally apathetic expression.

The world was coming to an end. If the Earth warmed another 0.2 degrees Celsius, the ice caps would melt, Florida would be flooded by rising sea levels (although whether that is really a bad thing remains to be seen), and Trump would sign an executive order discriminating against displaced Eskim… pardon me, Inuit.

Hanlon pondered an email he had just received from the American Chemical Society, showing water to be the highest-level greenhouse gas in the atmosphere. It was an imminent threat to the environment; the melting snow from the snow sculpture would emit dangerous levels of H₂O over the green.  Then, suddenly, an epiphany struck. He would establish a Committee for Environmental Preservation, featuring species as well as racial diversity by including a polar bear and a penguin. The Committee would institute a Winter Carnival ban to stop a dangerous buildup of H₂O in the atmosphere. Instead of snow sculptures, human dogsled races, and patriarchal hazing rituals, Winter Carnival would now feature a protest against climate change encouraging Dartmouth to divest itself from the most dangerous greenhouse gas: water. Maybe they could even truck all the snow away.

Lest the old traditions fail, my friends.

By Sheriff Walter Longmire