Dartmouth Review, Free Press announce merger

Former Dartmouth Review editor Andrew Grossman and former Free Press editor Timothy Waligore will announce the collaboration of these two news organizations at a conference later today. “It was the plan all along,” said Mr. Waligore, who conceived of the Free Press while living in Washington, D.C., with Mr. Grossman. “Paleo-conservatives and the anti-globalization Left just have so much in common; this makes sense in so many ways.”

Mr. Grossman spoke similarly of the new operating agreement. “When Ralph Nader, Pat Buchanan, and Hunter S. Thompson have basically the same take on world affairs, you know that there’s something going on. This merger carries that kind of synergy out to its logical end.” Mr. Grossman also agreed that the deal had been long in development. “We’ve wanted to work the Free Press for some time and have been sending Review staff members to Free Press meetings since the beginning, just to build this kind of bridge… Evidently, it worked!”

The new organization, to be called the Dartmouth Free Review Press Herald, will set up office on the first floor of the former Zeta Psi fraternity’s building, with half of that space being reserved for the former Review staff’s private functions. “There was concern that their [The Free Press’s] staff would run down our bar with some celerity, but we addressed that in our operating agreement.”

“Hands off our stash, man,” added Mr. Waligore, giggling madly, explaining that “you [The Dartmouth Review] promised, man. You promised!” Mr. Grossman ackowledged that staff coming from the Review had agreed to procure marijuana outside of the organization. “It wasn’t really an issue for us,” he said. Mr. Grossman and Mr. Waligore declined to discuss other, rumored drug-related terms of the agreement, referring questions to the new organization’s counsel, Schwartz, Jacobstein, Rabinowitz, Goering of Lebanon.

According to both sides, editorial details are still being hammered out. Who will hold the top post is still undecided, although many insiders consider current Review co-editor Ryan Gorsche a front-runner, citing his broad experience and extensive arsenal. The combined publication’s publishing schedule for the Spring is also undetermined, with factions arguing between weekly and quarterly editions. In recent days, a compromise position has emerged that would call for issues to be scheduled weekly but only published bimonthly. Alston Ramsay, coeditor of the Review and a driving force behind the negotiations, explained the rational behind this third way. “The Review has two decades of experience in combining aggressive scheduling with erratic output. There’s a lot of history, a lot of tradition and feeling bound up in this model. People have fought for this, I fought this, and I’m proud of our heritage in this.”

Former Review publisher Charles Kluender will fill that position again in the new organization. Speaking anonymously, an insider claims, “He [Kleunder] sat down in the office and said he wouldn’t move until we made him publisher. We didn’t really have a choice.” The source added that concerns about Mr. Kluender’s health are widespread and may force him to step down before completing the duration of his term. “He can’t even make it to the bar without panting,” said the source. In direct response to that allogation, Mr. Kluender countered that his inactivity was not a health matter. “I know a guy who makes the best drinks you ever had,” he said.

John MacGovern, who directed the Dartmouth Review’s fundraising efforts from 2000 through 2002 has signed on with the new organization as CEO, president, chairman of the board, CFO, MFA, PDA, and head librarian. “I hope to, ah, bring to bear, yes, the, ah, the strengths, that I brought to my, to my work with the other, the other, the Review,” he said. MacGovern also stated that he was “ready, willing, and prepared and ready” to accept editorial duties should the need arise.

Asked for his opinion of the merger, former Review editor-in-chief and current editor-in-hiding J. Lawrence Scholer exclaimed, “Books!,” before collapsing onto a glass-topped table.