The Appalachian Absinthe

Ingredients
– 50 oz absinthe
– 50 g organic cane sugar
– 50 mL iodine creek water or urine
– 10 bottles 5-hour energy
– Literal dirt
– Serve in a beat-up Nalgene with one too many stickers on it

The weekend of The Fifty is approaching—the strenuous 50+ mile hike not for the faint of heart. This is an opportunity to show off those gains you made over the summer and to finally impress that girl you sit behind in Math 8.

You’ve never been an outdoorsy person, but this year you’re determined. You even took a trip to REI to buy a new frame pack—and to be honest, probably another Fratagonia—in preparation of the masochistic trek. It has been rumored that some who take up the task are even exhausted to the point of hallucination. As a raging LSD addict, this motivates you even more.

A few days prior to the expedition, you venture to the Appalachian Trail with your buddy as a preemptive warmup. As you converse with him, the sight of a mosquito causes you to jump. Doubt begins to set in. The next thing you know, your large intestine begins to cramp, and you realize it’s business time. You ask your buddy where the nearest restroom is. He hands you a shovel.

“Wait, there’s no plumbing on the AT?” you say, in horror. “F–k this sh-t.”

For those of you who want the thrill of The Fifty, without all the suffering and physical exertion, grab an old Nalgene that’s covered in DOC and Planned Parenthood stickers. Add absinthe, sugar, dirt, 5-hour Energy, and iodine creek water. If there is no easily-accessible creek, add your own urine. They taste the same to be quite frank.

Before you know it, you’ll smell horrid, your heart will be beating out of your chest, and you’ll have a better trip than any 50 mile hike could ever provide.

-Lil Genghis