Prospie Punch

Prospie Punch

30-rack of Keystone Light
A pleasant weekend
A tough decision

A fresh-faced prospective student steps off the Dartmouth Coach, heart thumping with excitement and nervous anticipation. It’s Dimensions weekend and he must choose between Dartmouth and Brown. As much as he had enjoyed drinking organically-grown espresso and discussing the heteronormativity of the reproductive system during his visit to Providence, he wasn’t sure that was how he wanted to spend his Friday nights. But, what of Dartmouth?

Throughout high school, he had been so certain that Dartmouth was his “dream school.” He had even planned on applying early decision. But, in the wake of all the online articles about hazing, sexual assault, freedom talkers, and real budgets, he was no longer sure. Is this a school filled with racist, sexist monsters that prey on women and pledges at will? What had happened to the fun-loving “Camp Dartmouth” filled with outgoing and dedicated students that he had been so psyched to attend? There was only one way to find out.

By the time he finished registering and settling into his host’s dorm room, it was nightfall. The host led the prospie down the hall to a freshman pregame. It was here that the prospie cracked open his first Keystone Light. As the sweet nectar entered his mouth, the prospie relaxed. The night went on. Dice were brought out, drinking games were played and the prospie found himself having fun. The conversation swung from social to intellectual and back again. He found himself laughing as the Dartmouth students discussed their crushes and classes in equal measures. As the night went on, it came time for the current Dartmouth students to go out. But, the prospie’s host appealed to the group, explaining that prospies were strictly not allowed in frats. The group decided to stay in the dorm that night and just have fun with the prospie.

Around 2AM, as the party wound down and everyone returned to their dorms, the prospie laid himself to rest on a futon. He thought back on the night he’d had and the tentative friendships he’d formed. He realized, that for this one night, he’d been a full-fledged member of the Dartmouth community and he’d loved it. With a smile, he closed his eyes, his decision made. ​

By Ignatius J. Reilly