ADMINISTRATION, THE: Composed of unfamiliar officials who are not acquainted with Locke’s warnings about the inefficacy of coercion.
BAKER-BERRY: One of the few libraries on campus to survive last year’s budget cuts. However, we hear Phil has plans to convert it into a convention center.
BLUE-LIGHT CHALLENGE, THE: Much like taking Honors Organic Chemistry: not advisable.
CLOSED-MINDEDNESS: The condition of being wrong. “Why must everyone be so closed-minded?”
COLLEGE DEMOCRATS: The Hanover chapter of the Manhattan Democratic Party.
COLLEGE LIBERTARIANS: More obnoxious than the College Democrats. Less obnoxious than the College Republicans.
COLLEGE REPUBLICANS: Unsurprisingly, in a near-permanent state of insurrection.
“DAILY” DARTMOUTH, THE: No longer daily. The world’s oldest college newspaper, purportedly founded in the late Neolithic Era. Widely known for journalistic integrity, histrionic executives, and social justice editorials written by freshmen who “summer” in Montauk.
DARTMOUTH: Conservative by nature. An intellectual wasteland before 1980.
DARTMOUTH DINING SERVICES: An institution that lies somewhere between a Communist control economy and a Capitalist monopoly. They provide the best food at Dartmouth for the best prices, because theirs is the only food and theirs the power of price control.
DARTMOUTH EXPERIENCE: A précis of no more than a paragraph. Printable in college brochures or alumni newsletters. Must focus on a quirky interest, such as the semiotics of yodeling.
DARTMOUTH OUTING CLUB: Formerly like a fraternity, but with flannel shirts, Carhartts, and a conspicuous absence of soap. Now like Amarna, but with flannel shirts, Carhartts, and a conspicuous absence of soap.
DARTMOUTH REVIEW, THE: Source of highly original quips about using itself as a doormat. Never admit to reading it regardless of how much you agree with it. In its 40-year history, has produced prominent media personalities, presidential speechwriters, and a Pulitzer Prize winner.
DARTMOUTH STUDENT UNION: A “collective” (of course), whose members typically rail against capitalism, racism, imperialism, and “colonism”—whatever that is.
DELINEATE: Use improperly. “We must delineate between progressive and violent laughter.”
DIVERSITY: Refers to immutable qualities only. An end in and of itself. It is our strength.
DRILL: Least nefarious reason to be walking across campus at 7am.
EXPRESSING YOURSELF: The point of life.
FEELINGS: Must be protected at all costs.
FOLKS: Who knew that West Virginia was the birthplace of gender-neutral pronouns? Also featured in Looney Tunes. Spelled “folx” by true experts.
FOREIGN STUDY: Useful for finding yourself. The constant target of Parkhurst budget cuts. Afterwards, post pictures on Instagram of yourself posing with the fascinating foreign people you encountered.
FRATERNITIES: Large, brick devices used to oppress people. Nevertheless, well attended.
FREE SPEECH: Of course you’re for it. “Duh.” But where do we draw the line?
GOOD SAM: Everyone’s favorite Dr. Seuss character. If it happens to you, you found the beer stranded on the side of the road.
GREAT BOOKS: “Who says? By whose standards?”
GREEN KEY: Dartmouth’s very own celebrity music festival. In 1994, the Swinging Steaks played here.
HARD-ALCOHOL BAN: A system cleverly designed by the Administration to improve Dartmouth’s image and neutralize those students who will likely create PR problems.
HAZING: Starts with DOC Trips, ends at Commencement.
HOMECOMING: Old alumni from New York get bused up to campus to watch you run around a fence.
HOUSING SYSTEM: The Dartmouth equivalent of homeroom. You will make memories elsewhere.
ISRAEL: If only Dartmouth would divest from it, all violence in the Middle East would cease instantaneously.
IVY LEAGUE: Acceptance to a member school validates the way your parents raised you, no matter how much you may loathe them as a result.
JUAN CARLOS: A humble brother of the late Alpha Delta Fraternity for Men who now leads one of the world’s foremost educational institutions. Known for his undying sense of loyalty and visionary leadership.
KING ARTHUR FLOUR: Latest band of plucky Vermont socialists to lose their fight against the fascist DDS.
LIBREX: Stay away.
LINE, THE: Speculate about where to draw it when you panic and can’t think of anything else to say.
LEDYARD CHALLENGE: The real swim test. Beware of poison oak.
MALE-DOMINATED: Anything popular.
MATTRESS COMPANIES: The extracurricular of choice for budding financial analysts who wish to display their financial acumen in a low-profit, low-margin way.
NEOCONSERVATIVE: A useful epithet for undesirable things.
NEOLIBERAL: A useful epithet for undesirable things.
NOWHERE, THE MIDDLE OF: How every student from New York and L.A. describes Hanover blithely ignoring the fact that this is the most consequential town for miles.
OFFENSE: A subjective phenomenon that does not need explanation or rationalization.
OTHER, THE: Four wave objectivacation. Always capitalized. Useful when referring to other people as a plural entity is simply too pedestrian. “We will examine how Shakespeare views The Other.”
OUTDOORS, THE: If you don’t like them, you have come to the wrong place.
PATRIARCHAL: Most things in life. Institutions are everywhere.
PAST, THE: Populated by racists, misogynists, bullies, twits, and prudes. All else is superfluous.
PHALLIC SYMBOL: Profound. If you haven’t done the reading, flip to a random page and point one out in class discussion. Must be taller than it is wide. See Baker Tower.
POLITICALLY CORRECT: The best kind of correct.
PRIVILEGE: Like all baggage, must be checked.
PRONOUNS: Your email signature is incomplete without them.
RELIGION: Always “organized.” Spirituality is better, particularly given that it doesn’t place any restrictions on enjoying tri-weekly on-nights.
RIGHT TO YOUR OPINION, THE: “You have the right to your opinion, but…”
SCIENCE: Science™. Worthy of religious devotion until you need a science distrib. “Why isn’t Astro 1 a layup anymore?!”
SELF, THE: Tack onto paper titles when you are desperate; e.g., “Late Capitalism and the Self.”
SELF-CENSORSHIP: Your staunch refusal to say what’s on your mind. Chief subject of all Maoist struggle sessions during meetings of the College Republicans.
SELLING OUT: A reference to your acceptance of a financial or consulting job despite being an English major. Placate yourself by writing mediocre poetry.
SEVEN, THE: Endorsed by The Dartmouth.
SEUSS, DR.: A recently canceled alumnus. We fear the coming Whoville erasure.
SNAKE: Can be found slithering through an Econ major. They might not be better than you, but they will make more money.
SOCIALIST: Professor who insists on living in Vermont just to pay the taxes.
SOLIDARITY: Standing with the oppressed peoples of the world. Has nothing to do with Lech Wałęsa.
STUDENT ASSEMBLY: Sends strongly worded emails to the Administration.
TENURE: Chief obstacle to academic rigor.
TRADITIONS: Sing about them wistfully, but do your best to ensure they fail.
TRIPS: Ostensibly the best part of your Dartmouth Experience. Unless you’re a ’24. Or a ’25.
UNSAFE: Anything that you find remotely disagreeable.
WHEELOCK, ELEAZAR: Dr. Jill Biden to the Abenaki.
X, THE: Your first introduction to the harsh realities of the free market. Worthy of derision—unless you benefit from it.
Y’ALL: Another excellent gender-neutral term. Popular among people who consider the South to be a bastion of bigotry and hate.
This set piece to The Review’s Dartmouth Guide is periodically updated. This version appeared in the print edition of September 17, 2021.
