Big Weekend Energy

“We’re going big. We’re going hard,” declared the sophomoric SAE pledge. “It’s Winter Carnival? You know what that means? Big. Weekend. Energy. We’re going to hit Alpha Chi Beach Party. I’ve been working all winter long on my spring break bod and this is the test-run. It wasn’t ready for Phriendsy or Kappalina. But damn it might just be ready now. I’ve cut out all carbs. Didn’t even touch, let alone drink, at Champagne 19W— those bubbles would just make me bloat. Should I wear my Versace or Vineyard Vines swim trunks? Which one will emphasize my V? Do you think I have time to wax my happy trail? Will Youthful Solutions have an opening? No no no. We all gotta go to West Leb for a bronzing.”

Sadly, none of this poor lad’s friends had the heart to tell him that his lower abdominals were not well-developed enough to have this so-called “V” or that there was not enough wax or fake tan in the state of New Hampshire to turn him into a Ken doll.

“Don’t you think that this is a bit much?” asked a brother.
“No. This is how we do it in Jersey. It’s a BIG WEEKEND. We gotta be classy and our bods have to be banging.”
“You didn’t do this for Homecoming. That’s a bigger weekend than Winter Carnival. I mean, you’re just going to be covered in like five frackets the entire time.”
“But it’s Beach Party! There could be nothing better. Girls in bikinis climbing all over all of this.”

The entire room looked in horror as their poor brother crudely gestured with what can only be described as… small…weekend energy.

That night, the horde of brothers charged into Alpha Chi. This poor pledge, covered only in a bright pink paisley bathing suit, stumbled in after them completely frostbitten. This poor fellow thought he was too hot to need a coat. He also forgot about shrinkage. Suffice it to say that the only lucky this young man got was not losing any fingers.

Alas, the cold had ruined both his BWE and made his SDE even smaller. As he sat tearfully crying into a Late Night feast of mac and cheese bites, ice cream sandwiches, corn dogs, cookies, nachos, and god knows what else, he turned to the sole-Collis worker watching this disgraceful scene and exclaimed “I’m just carbo-loading for the gym tomorrow. It’s how we do it in Jersey. The ladies love it. Big. Gym. Energy.”

All of us at The Review urge everyone to stay warm while enjoying their Winter Carnival festivities… especially if all you’re wearing is a bathing suit.

– Scotch Cara