Cocktails with the Twisted Sisters

Not to be dramatic, but the Hard Alcohol Ban is the worst thing that has ever happened to us. Aside from the paternalistic and rights violating sentiment of the policy, MDF really stands for Making Dartmouth Fun-less and/or Making Dartmouth Fatter. For rule abiders such as ourselves, the transition from a Spring Break high of bottomless vodka-sodas, bahama mamas, and sketchy blue slushies, to warm Keystone and Sunset Blush Franzia has been a tough one. Lets face the facts: the beer at this school tastes bad and is bad for you, slapping the bag was only fun after junior prom, and binge-drinking until you can hear the liquid in your stomach is no way to live life. So whether you’re watching your waistline, a fan of drinks that should have an umbrella in them, or prefer not volume vomit to make room for the 12 chicken fingers you’ll eat at late night collis, this post is for you.

Given our concern for the common good of the Dartmouth student body’s drinking habits, we have taken it upon ourselves to analyze, and taste test, the more healthy, tasty, and efficient options at our disposal that are 30 proof or less. We will assess our options, factoring in calorie count, flavor, and alcohol content.

Round 1: The Basics

Usually yummy drinks last “a moment on your lips, but forever on your hips,” but these drinks defy the odds and not only taste good, but are less calories per “recommended serving” than the Hop’s “Christmas Hulk”. This category includes all cocktails your mom drinks because her friend Diane saw them featured on one of Bravo’s Real Housewives franchises.

SkinnyGirl Margarita

Calories: 100/4 oz
Proof: 25.4
GC: “tequila usually tastes, and smells, like battery acid. This smells a lot stronger than it actually is, but its pretty good with a very strong lime aftertaste.”
DC:“Not the best, but it gets the job done if you catch my drift. After half a bottle you’ll be good.”

SkinnyGirl White Cranberry Cosmo

Calories: 100/4 oz
Proof: 20
GC: “my personal favorite of the skinny girl brand, because it tastes like cranberry juice.”
DC:“Who doesn’t want to drink juice?!?!”

SkinnyGirl White Peach Margarita

Calories: 100/4 oz
Proof: 25.4
DC: “Doesn’t taste like a margarita at all. No real tequila taste like in the traditional margarita. Its surprisingly tart, but again tastes just like juice and that’s wonderful.”
GC:“It tastes like an alcoholic CapriSun.”

SkinnyGirl Sweet N’ Tart Grapefruit Margarita

Calories: 100/4 oz
Proof: 25.4
DC: “tastes better than the regular margarita, but not nearly as good as the white peach margarita.”
GC:“It tastes nothing like alcohol and very much like gatorade.”

Round 2: Beach Babes

Some ingenious entrepreneur decided to bottle the spring break experience, minus the regret and the bad tan-lines. This category includes drinks that should always be served with an umbrella and whose taste evokes feelings of that sketchy booze cruise you went on in Punta Cana.

Jose Cuervo Lime Margarita

Calories: ~175/5 oz
Proof: 25
DC: “Great blended up with frozen fruit, like strawberries, mangos, or pineapple, and a little ice!”

Bacardi Zombie PET

Calories: 381/8 oz
Proof: 25
DC: “I used to drink this in high school. I mixed it with lemonade and called it blue juice. It was my signature drink until my parents started noticing my blue mouth the next morning.”
GC: “It tastes like blue Gatorade and cavities.”

Bacardi Hurricane PET

Calories: 284/8 oz
Proof: 25
DC: “Literally the same as ‘Zombie.’”

Kahlua Mudslide

Calories: 559/8 oz
Proof: 25
DC: “Not for the calorie-conscious. Tastes like a chocolate milkshake with twice the amount of calories.”
GC: “Very sweet and very rich, probably why my grandma loves these.”

Malibu Rum Sparkler

Calories:160/4 oz
Proof: 22
DC: “Strong, strong, STRONG coconut flavoring.”
GC: “Tastes like those crappy almond joys you used to get from the old lady down the street on Halloween when you were 12, but is a champagne consistency. Its weird.”

Bacardi Bahama Mama

Calories: 263/8 oz
Proof: 30
DC: Review by some 14 year old party girl on Yahoo: “It’s great…it tastes like fruit punch and sneaks up on you…totally get some.”
GC: “Totally get some.”

Round 3: Things You Tried To Order At A Bar In High School Because You Thought They Sounded Grown Up

Remember that one time you somehow got into a bar when you were 16? And then ordered something ridiculous mixed with vodka because you thought it was a thing? This category sums up those drinks in a bottle.

Smirnoff Grand Cosmopolitan

Calories: 211/ 8 oz
Proof: 30
DC: High alcohol content seems promising, but the red color is concerning. It looks like the jungle juice that I couldn’t keep down at a Russell Sage pregame.”
GC: “Or like freshman girls only Murphys apartments’ parties.”

Smirnoff Vodka Mojito

Calories: 312/8 oz
Proof: 30
DC: These are stronger drinks with a vodka base and a comparatively low calorie content, sooo perfect.

Smirnoff Tuscan Lemonade

Calories: 344/8 oz
Proof: 30
DC: “Great taste but weak. Need to add a shot or six to get a proper buzz.”
GC: “Essentially a larger bottle of Mike’s Hard.”

Smirnoff Savannah Tea aka the Long Island Iced Tea

Calories: 360/8 oz
Proof: 25
DC: “Less alcohol, more calories….. Good Southern cocktail to sip while watching Paula Dean and learning how to make foods to further clog your arteries.”
GC: “Kind of tastes like twisted tea but more alcohol.”

Round Four: Other Creative Options-Listerine and Hand Sanitizer

Perfectly legal in the eyes of the administration.