College Threatens Topliff Residents, Bathroom Burglars Evade Justice

It is generally understood that petty theft is a widespread issue here at Dartmouth, as it has become fairly common to see a fellow student steal a bag of chips from the Courtyard Cafe or a few extra apples from FoCo. While many condemn this action, others rationalize their insubstantial but consistent theft by claiming that they are merely “making up for high tuition costs”—unsurprising for a school practically brimming with prospective financiers. Because of how common petty theft is at this school, I am sure that the College has taken plenty of consideration to account for the subsequent losses in its budget. The College, however, could not have foreseen a case of grand bathroom sign larceny.

Over the course of the fall term, the bathroom signs in Topliff Hall have been mysteriously disappearing. It is unclear whether it is a single bandit or a group of bandits that are committing this ridiculous but amusing act of theft. Maybe the bandit(s) want to use the signs as contemporary decor. Maybe they lost a bet, or simply enjoy the thrill of it. Perhaps their efforts are even philanthropic, ultimately planning to distribute the extra signs to less-privileged residence halls that do not have adequate signage outside their bathrooms—a bathroom sign Robin Hood, more or less. 

Whatever their intentions actually may be, their actions have now caught the attention of the administration—Residential Operations (ResOps) has sent multiple emails to the residents of Topliff throughout the term regarding this issue. The most recent message reads as follows:

Dear Topliff Residents,

We hope you all are doing well. We are writing once again regarding the bathroom signs in Topliff. We acknowledge that the ever-changing situation with the bathroom signs may be frustrating to many of you as it is for us. As you have probably noticed, new bathroom signs were put up last week and a number of them have been since taken down. We continue to ask that you share any information you may have regarding the bathroom signs.

We also wanted to inform you that we will have to begin fining all residents of the building if the signs continue to be removed. Throughout the term we have lost over a thousand dollars in bathroom signs, and hope not to continue to lose resources at this pace. We understand that the majority of you have had no involvement with the bathroom signs; unfortunately member(s) of our community continue to cause harm for other members of community. We hope that this will not continue, and again ask that you share any information you may have with your UGA, a custodian, or another member from Residential Education or Residential Operations. We are hopeful that the signs that have been removed will be returned so we do not have to pay for new ones. They can be left anonymously in one of the lounges.

Thank You,

[Residential Operations]

This email raises a few alarmingly strange questions. How did the thieves manage to steal one thousand dollars worth of bathroom signs? This is quite an impressive feat—it must take extensive dedication and intentionality to pull off a heist of this magnitude. An even better question, however, is why did ResOps spend one thousand dollars on bathroom signs? 

A bathroom sign on Amazon costs $8.99. Given that the College most likely buys them in bulk from a manufacturer, we can confidently estimate that each sign costs the school around $5.00. This would mean that a total of two hundred bathroom signs have been stolen from Topliff this term alone. At a certain point, after seeing the signs continually disappear, did it occur to the College that maybe it was not in its best interest to purchase more signs? The school could have simply taped a piece of paper to the bathroom door while they waited for the signs to be returned. If these were being taken as well, the school could have temporarily painted bathroom labels onto the doors instead.

When ResOps stated in their most recent email that they “hope not to continue to lose resources at this pace,” it clearly shows that they have now lost all control of the situation. ResOps is attempting to regain control by threatening a universal fine on all Topliff residents. While it is unclear if they will actually act on this unjust punitive measure, the threat still serves as a means to intimidate and persuade the mystery culprit(s).

ResOps also notes in the email that if the perpetrator(s) intend to return the signs, they can do so by leaving them in one of the lounges anonymously. However, there are much better ways to return these signs. Speaking purely from a hypothetical perspective, one could return them by mounting all two hundred of them back outside their respective bathrooms, creating a glorious assortment of bathroom signs on each door. The overwhelming number of signs would ensure that there would be no confusion over where the bathroom is. Alternatively, one could mount a bathroom sign to every single door in Topliff, so that there would instead be ample confusion over where the bathroom is. 

Although I do not condone theft in any capacity, Topliff’s bathroom sign predicament is thoroughly entertaining. Ultimately, I hope that this potty problem is solved so that the residents of Topliff can once again locate their bathrooms in peace.