Hanlon’s Last Hurrah

As we started this new academic term, our fearless leader Philip J. Hanlon sent out an email detailing his plans for the last stretch of his term as president. The president began with an exaltation of The Ritual of Breath is the Rite to Resist, an opera inspired by the murder of Eric Garner that is of course best promoted by a white man in his 70s. Of course, the president quickly shifted into his wheelhouse, promotion of Dartmouth’s image and PR. The president intends to outdo himself with a final tour of gratitude, where he will thank members of the Dartmouth Community for paying so much to put their names on benches and singular rooms in 3FB. The president intends to continue the year by teaching Math 28 yet again for math majors who want a layup in which they can network. He goes on to express gratitude at the Trustees’ decision to select Sian Beilock as our next fearless leader; one notes that Hanlon distinctly abdicates any role in her selection. Of course, Hanlon does not intend to rest. You have to hand it to the man, he is a damn good fundraiser. He campaigned to finish funding a series of sorely needed renovations that our nine-billion endowment cannot possibly pay for on its own. Most notably, the College will rip out the innards of the Hop and replace them. Be sure to complete this leg of the seven fast; given Dartmouth’s track record, the Hop won’t be open again until 2034 at the earliest.

Yet he will go even further, hinting at an exciting new series of academic programs that will generate revenue and improve Dartmouth’s reputation (oh and as a tertiary benefit maybe improve academics for students). Hanlon reports that a mysterious new individual has been selected to lead the creation of these new programs, again abrogating responsibility for that person’s appointment. We lowley students must sit with baited breath in anticipation of the big reveal. For what it’s worth, this writer hopes that it is former Dean Lively, who really didn’t get a fair chance the first time. 

Of course, Hanlon would never let a good fundraising opportunity go to waste, and so he will host a series of celebrations to commemorate important anniversaries in Dartmouth’s history. Dartmouths happens to be in the midst of a series of seminal anniversaries. Co-education, the foundation of BADA, and the foundation of the Native American Studies Department were all revolutionary events in Dartmouth’s history, and the president intends to honor them. At the same time, Dartmouth Hall is finally going to reopen after a series of delays. This writer is not so confident; he has not learned to trust the boy who cried Dartmouth Hall opening. Of course, some argue it could all be part of a vast and insidious conspiracy to create the perfect storm of anniversaries so as to maximize the fundraising potential, but this writer is never one for such idle speculation. We will see a final celebration commemorating the 50th anniversary of coeducation. 

Hanlon ended the email by thanking students, faculty, and community members for our contributions to Dartmouth. That’s right folks, each and every one of us—from the freshmen violating frat ban, to the Pi-Kaps wondering why their basement is still empty, to this writer grasping for a one-liner at 1am—contributes to the magic of Dartmouth. Dear President Hanlon, you’re welcome.