Parkhurst Punch

Parkhurst Punch

Two Bottles of Wray and Nephew Rum
One Bottle of Diva Premium Vodka
One Bottle of La Ley del Diamante Tequila
One Bottle of Macallan 55 Year Old
One Gallon of Blood, Sweat, and Tears from Parents

Combine ingredients in large bowl, stir to mix thoroughly. Serve over ice. If desired, garnish with fragments of tuition checks, gold flakes, and second mortgages.It’s a sweltering, sunny day in Hanover. It’s supposed to be over 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Of course, air conditioning on campus is off, except in the executive suites in Parkhurst, with the temperature turned all the way down to 65.

A College bureaucrat lounges, sipping his punch between games of 2048 and Flappy Bird. He thinks we’re going to have to build another administrative building. There simply isn’t enough space in Parkhurst to have two hundred administrators doing the job of twenty. Maybe we’ll get around to it within the next twenty years, and it’ll only be 350% over budget this time.

The bureaucrat thinks (if bureaucrats were capable of such a thing). Maybe he’ll get around to checking his email and duplicating forms that were submitted in triplicate during FY1769. Just maybe.

Meanwhile, he turns to Amazon. He’s thinking that his office is a tad … under-furnished. The gilded mahogany bannisters and lush tapestries are getting stale; perhaps it’s time to replace the chestnut executive desk with dark chestnut, which should fit the décor better, not to mention the feng shui. Obviously, he could save money by shopping at Costco; after all, with over 4,400 administrators, the College would do well to buy in bulk. But what would be the fun in that?

By Samuel L. Prescott