Phiesta Thing

The Most Interesting Man in the World

Probably Tequila
Corona
Dos Equis
The Most Interesting Story in the World

George came to me a few weeks ago. He was shaking slightly. Everyone in his immediate family for the last 6 generations has been diagnosed with heart disease. That’s why George was planning an event, a fundraiser, for heart disease research and treatment. He went to his fraternity brothers and asked for their help. They enthusiastically pledged their support, even getting a sorority involved.

However, all too soon, the heternormanative white privilege of all members of the Greek system reared it’s grotesque (but with beautiful blonde hair) head. The theme of the event was hijacked, hijacked to deride George’s heritage. “Phiesta” it was called, and phenomenally insensitive it would be. George had a choice to make. He could accept that the name was a play on the Greek letters in Phi Delt and APhi, that the name was not intended offensively, and that raising money for heart disease prevention is an altruistic and good thing to do. Or he could stick to his guns. George stuck to his guns. He told people he felt offended and discriminated against. He threatened to contact the Huffington Post, Bloomberg, The Washington Post, Rolling Stone, or Cosmo. Soon, the event was cancelled and no money was raised for heart disease (despite the fact that over 2,000 people die from it every day).

George came to me again yesterday, glowing with happiness at his accomplishment. As he described his triumph, his glow became more and more pronounced. I realized he wasn’t glowing with happiness, he was flushed with exertion. Suddenly, George collapsed. I picked him up and ran him to the hospital. They diagnosed George with early onset heart disease.

By Ignatius J. Reilly