Nothing matters more to Dartmouth College Admin than the health, both mental and physical, of its clients [sic] a.k.a. students. Recognizing that the student body still believes in things other than GPA and money, the Administration, out of the goodness of its heart, created a list of important religious holidays which it considers to be worthy of accommodation. Islam, Christianity, Judaism, Zoroastrianism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Baha’i, and Wicca are all deemed worthy of the Tucker Center’s support. African American and “Latinx” also feature on the list, as apparently the Tucker Center considers them to be religions as well. Despite the thoughtful intentions behind the list, it is evidently not without its flaws. In order to help our friends in Admin create a more equitable campus environment for all, here follow a few simple critiques and recommendations for the Dartmouth Religious Holiday Calendar, from The Review’s favorite atheist and Southern Baptist duo, James Eiler and Zoe Dominguez.
First and foremost, the list includes some rather interesting religions, while excluding others. The list lacks any mention of Indigenous holidays or festivals, a particularly troubling omission given Dartmouth’s ongoing efforts to recognize Native Americans. Perhaps there were “too many” different native faiths and belief systems for the collators of the list to consider. To that we say: do better. The presence of Baha’i, a faith with seven million adherents worldwide (and one of which these authors had never heard before reading the list), suggests that its creators were more than capable of including smaller, more varied faiths. Catholicism and Eastern Orthodox Christianity are also named in the list, but a myriad of other denominations are excluded. In place of the many beautiful and incredibly unique reformist denominations, the list makes do with the woefully inadequate generalization of “Protestant.” This trivializes the important differences between Lutherans, Calvinists, Methodists, Seventh-day Adventists, Pentecostals, Baptists, Anabaptists, Presbyterians, Puritans, and Evangelicals, and—in the most sinful of exclusions—the incredibly important distinctions between the United Church of Jesus Christ and the Church of Jesus Christ United! The list dares to lump Anglicans in with all other Protestants, as if those closeted, perfunctory Catholics are at all alike the true disciples of Luther. To our horror, the list omits entirely the religion that is, of course, most esteemed above the rest: the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints.
Some of our older readers poorly versed in contemporary cultural developments may even be confused by a few elements of the list. Many a devout grandmother will likely look at the words “wicca” and “pagan” and wonder in horror whether her alma mater has become a den of witches and barbarians. Yes, it is true. A few scheming sorceresses escaped Salem and are still among us. Worse still, their heathen rites are now recognized and given official sanction by the College. To be fair, Dartmouth has a long tradition of dancing and shouting around a bonfire—witchcraft is really just its natural evolution. The next step in this progressive acceptance of the more worldly religions is surely going to be validating Mercury in retrograde as a valid reason for missing classes and late assignments.
The list ignores entirely the largest religion in practice: hedonism. Yes, the faith adhered to by innumerable sybaritic, cynical finance bros and hordes of slope-skiing sorority girls is left entirely off the list. Their major holidays include the week of Green Key, the first Friday of every term, and July 28, the anniversary of the release of Animal House. Atheists are used to being left out and have long accepted the omission of Darwin Day and The National Day of Reason (an actual day that some people observe) by the powers that be. Yet, the woeful omission of the dominant hedonistic faith on campus illustrates a complete disregard for the student body and a failure on the part of Admin to integrate itself into campus culture.
Race and religion seem to be obscured by the list. Both the Day of the Dead and Kwanza are included on the list—justified entries that are much more popular than many of the others included. However, the “religion” listed for each of the two holidays is questionable. For Kwanzaa, African American is given as the relevant faith. If African American is now considered a religion, this raises several questions. Firstly, can one now convert to African American? Would it be possible to be considered entirely African American simply by virtue of belief? Does celebrating Kwanzaa make one African American by default? Similar questions arise regarding the Day of the Dead, the “religion” for which is listed as “Latinx.” One can even go a step further. Perhaps the list should include days of cultural significance for all ethnicities. But we digress. Regardless, it is clear that including ethnic identities as religions introduces logical inconsistencies and raises questions that the Tucker Center might not want to answer.
To make things even better, the list quantifies what is and is not an actionable holiday. While it is, in the eyes of the Tucker Center, completely permissible to ask for work restrictions on Eid al Adha, if one were to request those same accommodations on Vesak, there are grounds to deny these requests. When did Abraham’s willingness to sacrifice his son become more important than the birth of Buddha? The powers that be in the Tucker Center need to take a long look in the mirror after blatantly assigning a hierarchy to the religions observed by their students.
In sum, the Tucker Center’s Calendar is fraught with flaws, questionable choices, and simple errors. Vital pillars of the Dartmouth community are excluded, and extensive effort is spent on including faiths that, in all likelihood, have a handful of followers across the entire Western hemisphere. Clearly, it was the product of some overpaid and underworked bureaucrat. He likely had to be roused with great effort from his midday stupor to compose this ad-hoc list, which does the absolute minimum to assuage the complaints of the student body.
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