The Frat Brother in the “High” “Castle”, or, The Heavy Grasshopper

The Frat Brother in the “High” “Castle”, or, The Heavy Grasshopper

1 Part Crème de Menthe
1 Part Crème de Cacao
1 Part Heavy Cream
1 Can of Keystone

Frank walked across the Green, hunched over, his face half-hidden beneath his warm winter coat. He was shaking, but not because of the sub-zero temperatures. Concealed in his coat was a VHS tape, and he only had fifty yards to go before he reached the Hop and the end of his two year mission to retrieve a VHS tape from the poster shop on Main Street and illegally screen it in Spaulding Auditorium.

Frank stood in the projection booth, looking at the audience, which was there to see a new mandatory film on some type of sensitivity training. He turned on the dusty VCR and inserted the tape. Then he pressed play.

Static lit up the screen. A black and white image began to emerge from the speckles of light. A hand pushed a paper into view. It was a copy of The Dartmouth Review, dated April 12, 2010, with the headline “Asch Elected to Board of Trustees.” But Asch had lost, eventually resulting in the selection of Philip J. Hanlon as the new president of Dartmouth College. So how could the film show Asch winning?

The picture lapsed briefly into static again, and it now appeared to show some sort of official Dartmouth film, titled, “Moving Dartmouth Forward: an address by the Dartmouth President.” A man in a fitted green suit, complete with a Dartmouth blazer badge and an Indian head tie, stepped up to a podium in front of Dartmouth Hall. He began to speak: “Men of Dartmouth! I have just returned from the State House in Concord, and I bring you good tidings. The men and women of the General Court have voted on a motion, authored by our own Board of Trustees, to lower the New Hampshire drinking age to eighteen. It has passed.” The crowd, filled with well-dressed young men and women, roared.

“No Dartmouth man shall cower in his own basement for fear of arrest! No more shall students fear those bodies intended to protect them. But remember, gentlemen, this privilege comes with certain responsibilities to the College and to your peers. Immoral acts which harm your fellow students and defame the name of Dartmouth will not be tolerated. The Dartmouth of the twenty-first century has nothing to hide! I have also taken action to resolve the issue of faculty diversity. Next fall term, fifty outstanding international scholars will join the ranks of our faculty. Over the next two years, Dartmouth will reexamine its hiring process to ensure that conservative intellectuals receive equal representation within every department. Oh, and I have made the decision to unilaterally eliminate DDS. That is all.”

By Hawthorne Abendsen